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| Thread: A rather serious Necro town proposal | |
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted November 12, 2004 02:45 AM |
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A rather serious Necro town proposal
At first, I wasn’t sure where I should post this newest product of my yet not privatized, post-communist brain factory. Heck, I’m still not sure if it belongs in the Altar, the Tavern, the Other Side, or even the Wastelands, so any upset mods concerned with the cosmic order of this community are free to migrate this poor excuse of a thread through the various corners of HC.
Now, what’s this all about. I’ve heard the complaints of many members that Heroes lacks realistic concepts, and still others which think it should remain in the realms of fantasy, so I benevolently decided to construct a perfect balancing solution. I will restrain my infinite wisdom this time to one town only – the Necropolis.
As you might veteranly know, or might noobly not know, Necro town has been a town of death, evil, undeadness, corpses, enslaving the living and other horrible associations one might have, in all the homm versions. Naturally, I will remain truthful to the tradition and will keep all these basic concepts.
Ladies and Gentlemen, for a start, I give you – the undead Army of ultimate horror
Level 1 creature – Top Model
Skinny, anorexic and pleasant to penetrate with your, ahem… sword, the top model is an excellent replacement for the classic skeleton. Among the many advantages include: more vile and aggressive than all level ones, makes the game more attractive, dumb enough to carry out orders etc.
Upgrades to: Silicon Top Model
The Silicon Top Model has a breast plate armor consisting of thick layers of silicon, giving the creature an extra 30% damage resistance, due to the buffers.
Level 2 creature – Lame Joke
An incorporeal being, the Lame Joke has an uncanny ability to strike with mystical attacks of hysteria and stupidity, driving its victim to madness. Plus, it corresponds perfectly with the traditional Walking Dead, who is also lame.
Upgrades to: Killer Joke
Following the example of adding awesome adjectives in front of creature names when upgrading them, the Killer Joke is the meaner, bad-anal maternal love maker compared to its lesser brother, the Lame Joke. Has a deadlier attack, that actually makes sense, and also fits well in place of the Zombie whose walking abilities are superior to the Walking Dead (i.e. the Lame Joke).
Level 3 creature – Capitalist
Is there a better replacement for a bloodsucking unemotional creature, such as the vampire, than the Capitalist? In fact, I think comparing the two, the vampire lags terribly on all fields, so this might disbalance our Necro town a bit. Therefore, I replaced the vampire health-draining ability, with a money–draining ability, which doesn’t instantly kill the victim, but rather slowly and painfully until it dies of hunger or dismisses itself due to depression. Your kingdom fortune grows exponentially with each attack of the Capitalist.
Upgrades to: American Capitalist
No doubt, superior to the ordinary Capitalist in many ways.
Level 4 creature – My Mom
No comment
Upgrades to: My Dad
No comment
Level 5 creature – Marylin Manson
What do you do when you need a hideous grotesque creature from real life? Yes, yes, the level 5 choice is obvious, I know. Lacks vital organs (ribs, eyes), masochist desire, piercings, nails, rings, chains all over the body, embryonic charm, yep, the one and only – Marylin Manson.
Upgrades to: Michael Jackson
Maybe a switch with Manson? Noooo! Cause this guy frightens me, honestly. Some say he’s an alien, some say he’s a caterpillar. You can never be sure what it actually is, because eye vision detects only the outside layer, which transforms in various shapes and sizes too often to track the changes. In addition, his preference for young flesh gives him an advantage against Dwarves and Halflings. Having five of the Jacksons in a stack also gives a bonus song.
Level 6 creature – Yasser Arafat
Yasser Arafat, the undead president of the non-living Palestinian Republic, is an excellent choice for a top level undead creature. He was deadly ill, then healthy, then dead, then alive, then in coma, then not in coma, then dead again, then half-dead, then undead, thus displaying his mastery of necromancy to the world. Mr. Arafat attacks by sending suicide bombers to the opposing army.
Level 7 creature – Pope John Paul II
If you think Yasser Arafat was the king of death, wait till you meet our next contestant, and winner of the top level creature prize – the Pope of the Catholic Church. This creature has an unholy power, which makes him immortal. No illness or assassination attempt may cripple this stud, whose fossilized body affirms his status as King of the Undead. Don’t be fooled by his humble appearance in the Popemobile. This deadly machine has razor blades inflicting direct damage, that cut all meat and turn it into hamburgers, ready to be shipped to the poor believers around the world. Remember the Professor from X-men? Well, the pope is sort of like him. His greatest power is the massive enslavement ability that turns creatures into obedient minions following his every order.
Finally, we have our Army of ultimate horror. I don’t know about you, but as I picture it, I feel my pants getting heavier.
Now, on to the building section of the Necross.
The upgrade evolution of that thingy that brings cash every day goes like:
Town Hall of the Dead ==> City Hall of Evil ==> Capitol Hill
Instead of the Blacksmith, a nice Indonesian Sweatshop does the job of providing your heroes with Ballistas, Ammo Carts, Red Cross Tents and a pair of Nikies. Best part about it is that everything’s completely free.
No marketplace may handle the evil deals of the Necross as efficiently as the Wall Street Stock Exchange. Can come in handy to extract money from friends and foes alike, though it’s practically useless when it comes to internal trading. In such situations, even the guys from the Thieves’ Guild give more favorable prices.
Magic is an important element of the game. Something that works just like magic is religion and superstition. Therefore, we have Religion level 1, then Religion level 2 etc. This is also an important element of the Necro strategy to enslave all mortals and turn them into their minions, as it provides them with various tricks ranging from the simple spell Anathema, to the top level spell Launch Crusade.
The place from where the most fearsome heroes of death emerge has to be one full of evil, malice, discord, and hatred. (I know what you’re thinking, but the White House is already taken.) After much consideration, the name came to me – an office full of sexually frustrated married women with PMS. Yep, the new name for the Tavern. A bit long, but such an important building deserves a name that precedes its reputation.
There’s no better cover of darkness than what the phallic MTV broadcasting antenna may radiate. Forget smoke, in this modern era, Evil uses more sophisticated means, i.e. electro-magnetic waves, which contain deadly particles that penetrate the enemy minds and pollute them with artistic faeces, eliminating all chances of intellectual initiative to even spark.
And the last, the big bonus for the Necross – the Grail itself. Tomb of Souls? Puh-lease, it’s old fashioned excuse for a rock where poor souls wont even go to pee, and much less to stay there. Heroes and Heroines, I give you – the Fox News Channel! Rising proudly, like an Iraqi oil drilling rig after an American invasion, the Fox News Antenna starts spreading its influence as soon as you bring the Grail in town, allowing your heroes to increase their enslaving ability of young minds by spectacular 50%.
There. I hope with this proposal, all tastes are satisfied and we can have a more enjoyable homm game than ever before. Or reality, as you wish.
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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TitaniumAlloy
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
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posted November 12, 2004 04:46 AM |
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LOL
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John says to live above hell.
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted November 12, 2004 04:56 AM |
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I want to have an army of Top Models. Yeah, that would be awesome.
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 12, 2004 07:27 AM |
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Level 8
Bag of peanuts of the Airlines
Unbreachable.
Upgrades to... Flood Protect!
Even thought these 2 things don't have much in common, their frustration has been spreading like the globe like a new plague..
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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gorman
Promising
Legendary Hero
Been around since before 2003
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posted November 12, 2004 09:31 AM |
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This thread definatley deserves a qp  Great job Svarog. Oh, and don't forget that Dingo wants his top Male models delivered to his doorstep ASAP lmao!
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When all else fails... Take notes.... ALL the time... ESPECIALLY when playing D&D.... or Pokemon in my case
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted November 12, 2004 03:17 PM |
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I agree Gorman, QP applied to Svarog 
Now I wanna see some more towns, like the Elven Tree Huggers City!!
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted November 12, 2004 03:23 PM |
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**Giggle**
Lovely discussion you have here Svarog. It's brilliant. I enjoyed it. Good job.
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Roses Are Red And So Am I
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tigris
Supreme Hero
Supreme Noobolator
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posted November 12, 2004 04:40 PM |
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[quoteLevel 3 creature – Capitalist
Is there a better replacement for a bloodsucking unemotional creature, such as the vampire, than the Capitalist? In fact, I think comparing the two, the vampire lags terribly on all fields, so this might . Or reality, as you wish.
vampires are not level 3 creatures 
good thread nevertheless..
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sirzapdos
Promising
Famous Hero
Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
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posted November 13, 2004 12:54 AM |
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Vamps are level 3 in H4...
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So I try to live a complicated world...
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 13, 2004 01:03 AM |
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I actually made a thread VERY similiar to the style of this one 3 months back ^_^
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted November 13, 2004 01:52 AM |
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Well, well. i must admit that i expected more attacks on such a politically arroused thread, than praise posts. thanx.
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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