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| Thread: Christmas in Axeoth | |
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Dragon_Slayer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
toss toss toss
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posted September 03, 2003 09:43 AM |
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Christmas in Axeoth
Christmas in Axeoth
NECROPOLIS
So, what does happen in the infernal boneyard on a certain night of December? Using my powers of diplomacy and two bottles of Chloroform, I decided to find out for myself.
First of all, they don't have Christmas trees in the Necropolis. The zombies tend to sharpen their teeth on the lower branches, and it's hard to stop the leaves wilting. Instead they shove a pole into a Venom Spawn and drop a heavy metal star on his head.
Venom Spawn: Ow...
Dragon Slayer: Is that as painful as it looks?
Venom Spawn: Yes. Yes it is. But that's okay, because it fills me with festive glee. I already feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Dragon Slayer: That's because you're melting.
Venom Spawn: Really? I told them not to string up the candle ornaments! Somebody help me!
The story of Christmas in the Necropolis is a little different to the traditional version. I found an illustrated version of Christmas Stories For Boys, Girls And Ghouls, which I found to be very enlightening.
Apparently a devil known as Satan Claws travels from gravestone to gravestone on Christmas Eve, dropping flaming corpses into the stockings of lucky young imps. However, he knows if you've been bad or good, and if you've been good, he devours you into his infernal belly for a thousand years of unimaginable suffering.
It's really very touching.
PRESERVE
Some like to think of the Preserve as a woodland grove where the creatures of Nature roam free and united, protected by the spirits and dryads of the forest. I like to think of it as a hippy commune.
All the same, Christmas is still celebrated in the depths of the forests. I wasn't exactly welcome inside the sacred ground, but I did get quite a good look at my surroundings while being carried around forcibly by two gigantic elves.
Elf: I can't believe you violated our sacred, holy soil, man. It's such a downer.
Dragon Slayer: Sorry. I'm just trying to research Christmas in Axeoth.
Elf: Christmas has really positive karmic vibrations. It's, like, an eternal cycle of love and joy. See that unicorn?
Dragon Slayer: The one with the giant, lethal horn on his head?
Elf: Yeah. We call him Rudolph the Red-Horned Unicorn.
Dragon Slayer: But his horn isn't red.
Elf: It will be when he's finished with you, man.
Dragon Slayer: I'm going to leave now...
Elf: This is what Christmas is all about.
Doesn't it bring a tear to your eye?
Because cutting down trees is bad, they cut down a lumberjack and decorate him with colourful lights. Then they carefully arrange their stockings underneath, awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus himself. The elves in the garrisons are given strict orders not to shoot at the sleigh. For Christmas gifts, he gives out soybean products and meat-free sandwiches. For those who have been bad, he puts a free pamphlet on helping the environment into their stocking.
My research was cut short by a griffin that insisted on mauling me in his traditional Christmas manner. It's a good thing I can type this with just one hand.
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Dragon_Slayer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
toss toss toss
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posted September 03, 2003 10:12 AM |
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More info on Christmas!
STRONGHOLD
The barbarians welcome Christmas with open arms. They put aside time for a special Christmas celebration in the wrestling pits.
On Christmas Day, the population gathers in the Pits to beat each other with sticks. This is very different to the barbarian celebration of St. Patrick's Day (where they beat each other with stones) or Halloween (where they beat each other with pumpkins) or even Valentine's Day (where they beat each other with flowers).
Cyclops: Merry Christmas ! *thwack*
Dragon Slayer: Ouch!
Berserker: Merry Christmas ! *thwock*
Dragon Slayer:Hey!
Nomad: Merry Christmas ! *whack*
Dragon Slayer: Ow!
Behemoth: Merry Christmas ! *CRUNCH*
It's a good thing I order these Guardian Angel potions in packs of ten.
ASYLUM
After putting on a heavy rubber orc costume, I passed through those wooden gates to see Christmas in Asylum for myself.
It didn't take long before a shadowy figure leapt out of an alleyway and put a sharp object up my nose.
Bandit: Give me your money!
Dragon Slayer: But you can't rob me. It's Christmas Eve.
Bandit: Oh, come on. Do you think I'm heartless, huh? You hurt me with those cruel insults. See how I cry. You've suggested that I'm a merciless thug who ignores the joys of Christmas to take advantage of unwitting travellers, is that it?
Dragon Slayer: Well... are you?
Bandit: Of course not. I'm robbing from the rich to give to the poor.
Dragon Slayer: That's not Christmas. That's Robin Hood.
Bandit: Oh. Right. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to take your gold and hide it in the garden so that children may enjoy searching for it.
Dragon Slayer: That's Easter.
Bandit: Err, I knew that, sure. Sure. What I meant to say, is that I'm going to take your gold, sew it into the belly of a rabid pig, dangle him from a piano and send him swinging through a burning window frame.
Dragon Slayer: I don't even want to know what that is. But I'm pretty sure it's not Christmas.
Bandit: Just give me the damn money.
Christmas is very popular in the Asylum. They tend to skip over the bit about presents and religion and rich old men and decorations to get right to the part about the fireplace. In fact, they're so taken with the fireplace idea that on Christmas it's traditional to set fire to absolutely everything and run around screaming. I had my feet burned completely away by a merry efreet wearing a red and white turban, and a jolly black dragon utterly incinerated my left arm. This is considered to be a very lucky omen on Christmas Eve, as it means that Ol' Flamin' Nick will give me a lump of charcoal for Christmas.
Until then I will have to use wooden prosthetic limbs.
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted September 04, 2003 12:59 AM |
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Isn't it fasinating to learn about other cultures?
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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Lith-Maethor
Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
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posted September 04, 2003 01:40 AM |
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indeed...
QP applied... have fun with it 
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You are suffering from delusions of adequacy.
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Dragon_Slayer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
toss toss toss
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posted September 04, 2003 01:52 AM |
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Quote:
Whoa... my compliments DS... This...is...GOOD! Way to go man!
Hey thanks Gorman!
Quote:
QP applied... have fun with it
Thanks Lith for the qp!
Theres a few more alignments to come!
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MightyMage
Honorable
Legendary Hero
of INSANITY and DELICIOUSNESS
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posted September 04, 2003 02:00 AM |
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This is positivly one of the most funniest threads I've ever read. Very in-depth and enlightening. It's a shame Christmas isn't for another couple months. By the way, how do the stronghold folk celebrate thanksgiving?
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Though I must still bow
in awe for the awesomeness that is
MightyMage. For he is all I could ever
want to be! - OhforfSake
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Marelt_Ekiran
Promising
Famous Hero
Watcher of All
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posted September 04, 2003 03:42 AM |
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Hey, Dragon_Slayer. I didn't know you were the same person as Gothrak. Why didn't you just post it under that name? It becomes confusing when you post your articles under different names.
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Perception is everything.
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted May 31, 2004 11:55 AM |
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LOL THIS IS HILARIOUS! BUMP THIS I WANT TO SEE HTE REST OF THEM
"The elves were given strict orders not to shoot at the sleigh"
"Valentines day, where they beat each other with flowers"
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Angelspit
Famous Hero
Warrior of the Heavens
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posted May 31, 2004 02:54 PM |
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The guy didn't write any of that obviously, didn't credit the author... and worst of all got a QP for it.
All of Gothrak's writing can be found here.
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Lich
Adventuring Hero
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posted May 31, 2004 03:29 PM |
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Edited By: Lich on 31 May 2004
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I knew it... I had the feeling I'm reading the same stuff over again...
Qp removed, since the author of these posts is not Dragon Slayer.
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