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| Thread: Surival Guide to Taking a Dump at Work/School | |
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RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
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posted December 07, 2003 01:49 AM |
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Surival Guide to Taking a Dump at Work/School
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, he WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the... Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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Go Red Sox!
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted December 07, 2003 02:00 AM |
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lol
I try not to use Public Restrooms, you never know whos been in there...
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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RMS
Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
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posted December 07, 2003 02:57 AM |
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Well when you share the same restroom with 20 other guys or something, day in and day out, everyone just kinda stops caring so much.
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This space for rent.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted December 07, 2003 02:14 PM |
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I think I've lost my apetite 
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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RMS
Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
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posted December 08, 2003 01:36 AM |
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Great. That means more for me.
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This space for rent.
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Vadskye91
Promising
Supreme Hero
Back again
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posted March 22, 2004 02:46 AM |
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Lol, this is funny!
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Knowledge is power...
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted March 22, 2004 07:29 PM |
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Because Dingo is doing it, and everyone wants to be like Dingo. Duh!
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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AmrasMinyatur
Adventuring Hero
Elven Guardian
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posted March 23, 2004 05:35 AM |
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the scary part of this...
the scary part of this thread is that at the time i was reading it, i was eating frozen chocolate milk...AND ITS MELTING!!! its now called a Havanna Omlet... Ugh!
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russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted July 31, 2006 07:46 PM |
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Quote:
ESCAPEE.... Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
I always like to acknowledge a job well done, especially when someone passes a really loud one.
Quote:
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
OMG!!! I hate those. Sometimes I start wondering WTF they are doing for so long in the bathroom. Do they have a sick infatuation with it? Do they enjoy "the music of the stalls"? Do they like watching the other guys taking a leak?
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