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| Thread: Who shot Tinky Winky? | |
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted June 20, 2007 08:24 PM |
bonus applied. |
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Who shot Tinky Winky?
A story I wrote a couple of years ago... Found it buried in the old folders while searching my hard disk for something, thought I might share it with you...
Who shot Tinky Winky?
The happy vacuum cleaner™ was joyfully crawling across a grassy plane. He didn't like Teletubbyland. He actually hated it. But he was created to be happy, and that was his whole purpose. Along with life, which he hated, he was also granted a huge, grotesque smile and a couple of cartoony eyes. The smile was horrible because he couldn't even talk nor move his lips. "Why me?" the happy vacuum cleaner™ thought his whole life. Captured in a world of endless planes covered with irrealistic green grass, with a frozen grin on his face, he wished he had hands so that he could kill himself. And, probably, drag some of those wretched Teletubbies with him.
A scream from far away interrupted him in his thinking. It was coming from near the well, which Teletubbies liked very much. He immediately crawled there and saw the purple Teletubby, Tinky Winky. There was something quite unusual about him – he had a huge hole in his head, obviously made by a shotgun. The killer ran away before the happy vacuum cleaner™ even got to the crime scene.
By the time the happy vacuum cleaner™ realised what happened, all the surviving Teletubbies came to see what caused the noise and saw the body. Poh, the red one, stepped forward.
"What happened to Tinky Winky?" he asked.
"Maybe he's sleeping", said Dipsy, the green one.
"No, I think he's… you know... gone for good," found out the yellow Teletubby, known as Lala.
Then they looked at the happy vacuum cleaner™.
"You did this to him!" Poh said. And then all of them started yelling "Waaaaaagh" with no apparent reason, charging towards him.
The happy vacuum cleaner™ wanted to say "How could I kill him when I don't have arms?!" but he couldn't talk, so he just started running… well, ok, crawling away. The Teletubbies went after him, but since they were fat and retarded, he managed to keep a solid distance between him and them. But he was still too slow, and had nowhere to hide. Thinking about how he could get out of this situation, he tripped on a stump and fell. The teletubbies caught him and started slapping him, still yelling "Waaaaaaagh!". But a chain lightning struck them all, stunning them and making them incapable of screaming. The happy vacuum cleaner™ looked at the Sun. It said:
"Happy vacuum cleaner™, I have stunned them all, but they will soon come back to life and be ready to destroy you again. You have about an hour to find out who the real murderer is. Don't look at me like that, I don't know who it was, I was in the bathroom when the shot happened."
The happy vacuum cleaner™ was still looking at the Sun. He just couldn't imagine it going to the bathroom. Then it yelled:
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? CHRISTMAS?!"
Hearing that, the happy vacuum cleaner™ stood up and went to the crime scene again. He looked around. "Evidence, I need evidence, damn it!" he thought. And then, he remembered to look in the well. Unfortunately, it was too dark in there to see anything. He remembered, though, that Teletubbies have a habit of jumping into that well, and that they're somehow never harmed by that. Deciding to risk everything, he jumped inside, closing his eyes. After a few seconds of falling, he reached the ground, unharmed. And then he found the secret of jumping in the well: the floor was made of pudding. He realised he's in some sort of a chamber deep inside the well. Randomly touching the wall, he found a button and pressed it. Suddenly, four lamps started to shine, revealing the contents of the room. It was some sort of a shrine, with pictures of the Teletubbies everywhere. Divided in four parts, each Teletubby had his own corner in which he held his things. He looked at them all – no corner seemed to stand out from the rest. Huge cabinets were standing in each of them, but they were locked. Next to each of them was a panel with four signs, representing the four Tubbyments, the Teletubby elements (happiness, dance, playing and jumping in the well). It was obvious that by entering the correct combination, the cabinet door next to the panel would open. He went to Poh's locker. It was red, just like its owner. Looking at the panel, he thought: "Concentrate. The solution is before you. Zommmmm…" And then, he randomly entered a code. Nothing happened.
"Screw this", the happy vacuum cleaner™ thought and struck the cabinet with his handle. In situations like this, the cabinet doors oftenly open. In this case, however, it triggered the security system and a secret door opened, presenting a huge cage. The cage opened and an angry mutated rhino stepped out. By "mutated", I mean "having a dozen times greater strength than usual and, of course, being green and in the mood for transforming people into pancakes".
"This isn't happening", thought the happy vacuum cleaner™ and started moving around the chamber quickly, trying to evade the rhino. The animal started chasing him, of course. It made him go into a corner, where he was trapped. A frightening grin appeared on the rhino's face, and it started victoriously running towards the happy vacuum cleaner™, with quite unpleasant intentions. But the happy vacuum cleaner™ remembered the "What to do in the case of a nuclear strike" manual in which it says "If you see a nuclear bomb going towards you, the only thing remaining for you to do is to duck and cover". So he ducked and covered himself with his handle. Seeing that, the animal got confused and tried to stop. The floor was, however, as mentioned above, made of pudding and the rhino slipped and accidentally struck Lala's locker with all his strength. It then exploded, as mutants always do when something goes wrong.
The happy vacuum cleaner™ stood up and looked around. Lala's locker was smashed and it's contents were spilled all over the floor. Among them was a shotgun. The happy vacuum cleaner™ was confused. Why would Lala kill Tinky Winky? He didn't have much time to think about that, though, because the explosion made the entire room start to collapse. He saw the door through which the Teletubbies always come back to the upper-world. Trying to pass through them, he realised they were locked.
"I'm not going to die in the middle of a well" he thought, searching for an exit. But then an idea came to his head. He went to the shotgun and somehow pushed it with his little wheels (which he used to crawl around) so that it was facing the doorknob. Then he pulled the trigger with his handle. The bullet destroyed half the door, including the doorknob, and so the happy vacuum cleaner™ got out of the collapsing chamber.
When he came back to the grassy plains, he looked at the Sun.
"Have you found out who the killer is yet?" it asked curiously. The happy vacuum cleaner™ was smiling.
"Ok, ok, you can have the bloody normal mouth" the Sun said, obviously irritated, and a ray of light struck the happy vacuum cleaner's™ face. Suddenly, he felt his lips could move.
"I…" he started uncertainly. "I can talk. I can talk! I can freaking talk! Can I get some hands also?"
"Don't push your luck, mate. You're still a vacuum cleaner. Now go to the Teletubbies and reveal the murderer to them, they have woken up and have no idea about what's happening. All they know is that they want revenge."
Three minutes later, the happy vacuum cleaner™ reached them. They somehow stood up, ready for a fight.
"It wasn't me, it was Lala!" the happy vacuum cleaner™ rapidly said.
The Teletubbies were confused. Then Lala said: "Yes, and I wouldve gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling happy vacuum cleaner™! But... Hey, what's that behind you?"
He used the moment of confusion among the other teletubbies to start running.
"I'm off to Mexico, fools! Mwahahahaha!"
Having said that, he got blinded by a sudden ray of light and fell down.
"Bye bye to you too... God damn imbecile..." said the Sun.
When Lala woke up, he saw the happy vacuum cleaner™ above his head.
"Hi again. You have been accused of murdering Tinky Winky, a member of our happy community. The jury found you guilty."
"Nonsense! You have no proof of my crime!"
"Perhaps. But try to explain that to those nice guys from the jury over there" the happy vacuum cleaner™ said, pointing to Poh and Dipsey. Poh was holding a baseball bat and Dipsy was armed with a chainsaw. "I'll leave you guys to play here for a while," the happy vacuum cleaner™ added. Then he left the room.
"Uhm… Hi, guys" said Lala cautiously. "Nice to see you agai…" He never finished that sentence.
More author's notes...
Basically, a few years ago my English wasn't as good as now, nor were my writing skills... I planned to revise this, aka update it with additional sarcasm and other fine arts I've learned over time, but this way it kinda reminds me of my childhood a bit more (yes, I take the period of about two years ago as my childhood  basically, this is still my childhood but never mind)
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Asheron
Famous Hero
Ancient
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posted June 20, 2007 08:34 PM |
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Edited by Asheron at 20:35, 20 Jun 2007.
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Rofl you should publish this,dude,it made me laugh to the tears 
Although the Vacuum should get his hands (at least one)
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Geny
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted June 20, 2007 09:09 PM |
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lol, very nice
I question though:
Why did the happy vacuum cleaner™ try to run away from the teletubbies, evade an angry mutated rhino and escape from the collapsing chamber if he wanted to die?
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted June 20, 2007 09:13 PM |
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Haha, brilliant, mate! Cheers
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted June 20, 2007 09:37 PM |
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Speaking of Tinky Winky, did you guys hear the latest news from Poland? Tinky Winky is being investigated about his homosexual influence on children because of his red handbag 
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Yolk and God bless.
---
My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted June 20, 2007 09:48 PM |
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Edited by Spectrum at 21:49, 20 Jun 2007.
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ROFL OMG LMAO!!! Haha, thank you Woocky, you just made my day
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted June 20, 2007 09:51 PM |
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Thanks people...
Quote:
Rofl you should publish this,dude,it made me laugh to the tears
Lol yea perhaps I'd even earn something... But you know how publishing is around here.
(remember Tony Montana's saying - "You know what capitalism is? Gettin' f*****...)
Quote:
I question though:
Why did the happy vacuum cleaner™ try to run away from the teletubbies, evade an angry mutated rhino and escape from the collapsing chamber if he wanted to die?
That was sort of a figure of speech... He didn't really want to die, especially not at the hands of teletubbies (or an angry mutated rhinoceros)
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"Let me tell you what the blues
is. When you ain't got no
money,
you got the blues."
Howlin Wolf
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pandora
Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
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posted June 20, 2007 09:56 PM |
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Now wait a minute... that whole world was destroyed long ago, I wrote about it here
So there
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
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alcibiades
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
of Gold Dragons
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posted June 20, 2007 10:04 PM |
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This was ... unexpected? 
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What will happen now?
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted June 20, 2007 11:07 PM |
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Quote:
Now wait a minute... that whole world was destroyed long ago, I wrote about it here
So there
Uhm... This happened before that?
Quote:
This was ... unexpected?
Unexpected is my middle name 
So currently my full alias is:
Baklava Unexpected D'Eranged McBadger of Peanut
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"Let me tell you what the blues
is. When you ain't got no
money,
you got the blues."
Howlin Wolf
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SwampLord
Supreme Hero
Lord of the Swamp
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posted June 20, 2007 11:21 PM |
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Hmmm... I wasn't aware Teletubbies were Orks- "Waaaaaaaaaaaagh!"
(It's a Warhammer reference, btw.)
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They can take my swamp, they can take my town, but they will never take my FREEDOM!
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Shai-Hulud
Known Hero
Sicomor
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posted June 21, 2007 12:04 AM |
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Is this Tinky Winky?
You are telling the story wrong Baklava... Actually Tinky Winky was shot with a magnum! 
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~~~Azzy~~~
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executor
Famous Hero
Otherworldly Ambassador
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posted June 21, 2007 02:36 AM |
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LOL
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Understanding is a three-edged sword.
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted June 21, 2007 01:25 PM |
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Quote:
Hmmm... I wasn't aware Teletubbies were Orks- "Waaaaaaaaaaaagh!"
Meh... I use waaagh sometimes too, and I'm not an ork...
At least I think so
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TitaniumAlloy
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
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posted June 21, 2007 01:38 PM |
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me
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John says to live above hell.
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted June 22, 2007 02:19 PM |
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Hey Baklava I thought we were supposed to call you Threadbane too
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted June 22, 2007 10:40 PM |
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Yeah... But my archenemy (the I stopped believing in God thread) got resurrected and rose again, so now I'm back to being just Baklava Unexpected D'Eranged McBadger of Peanut
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"Let me tell you what the blues
is. When you ain't got no
money,
you got the blues."
Howlin Wolf
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Orfinn
Supreme Hero
Werewolf Duke
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posted June 23, 2007 03:15 PM |
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Of all things wacky & weird in this world....Hilarious!
Poor vacuum cleaner didnt get his hands
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