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cerebral_user
Hired Hero
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posted October 27, 2001 02:39 AM |
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HUMOR!!
Post funny jokes, y'all! Copy and paste for convenience. Here's mine:
Driving home with his wife one day, a man was stopped by the police. The cop said, "Sir, you were going 60 mph in a 50 mph zone."
"No I wasn't," the man said.
His wife leans over and says, "Yes you were, honey."
"Why don't you shut the hell up?" he told her.
The cop continues, "You also didn't have your seatbelt on, sir."
"Yes I did," the man said.
"No, honey, no you didn't," his wife chimed in.
"Didn't I just tell you to shut up?" the man shouted.
The cop finally leans into the window and says, "Ma'am, is this your husband?"
"He sure is," she replied.
"Is he always this mean and rude with you?" the cop asked.
The woman smiled at him and said, "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."
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RMS
Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
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posted October 27, 2001 02:46 AM |
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Edited By: RMS on 26 Oct 2001
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Must everyone always create a new thread for jokes??
...well I'll let this one slide, but I'm going to do something about the next thread created for jokes 
...isn't it easier to compile a working archive of jokes if they're concentrated in one thread, anyway?
***
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
____________
This space for rent.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted October 27, 2001 07:16 PM |
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Ok, here are some of my favourites:...
************************************************************
A cop was walking down the street. He said 'I think, therefore I am', and then he disappeared.
************************************************************
Two cats were sitting by a river.
- Meow! - said one of the cats.
- Hay! I was going to say that! - said the second cat.
************************************************************
The devil captured three guys and locked them in a cage. A French, a German, and a Russian. He said, that each of them had one wish.
- I want to go back to France! - wished the French, and he disappeared.
- I want to go back to Germany! - wished the German, and he disappeared. The Russian thought for a while, then he said:
- I want those guys to come back here!
************************************************************
____________
Yolk and God bless.
---
My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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RMS
Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
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posted October 27, 2001 07:48 PM |
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What software version are you running?
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in
background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm
embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my
cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and
shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results
in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections
with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident
version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires
within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon
after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although
he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
Mistress1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
____________
This space for rent.
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cerebral_user
Hired Hero
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posted October 28, 2001 08:58 PM |
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Two Caws
One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the road!"
The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"
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Lith-Maethor
Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
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posted October 29, 2001 06:40 AM |
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lemme see
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed. NOPE * "bed" what is a "bed" ?
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one. CHECK
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access. CHECK
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. CHECK
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. NOPE * I just draw emoticons 
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com NOPE * nah, I prefer .org or .net
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer. CHECK
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed. NOPE * I feel relieved...
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. NOPE * I always ask...
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape. NOPE * I use Konqueror... 
11. Your family always knows where you are. CHECK
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL". NOPE * what is "real life" ?
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend! NOPE * hate forwards...
____________
You are suffering from delusions of adequacy.
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RMS
Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
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posted October 30, 2001 12:35 AM |
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Hmm, no response to my second post, eh? ...well try this on for size then
***
87 Ways for you to Know You've Been Online too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to
meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to
meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the
"real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted
diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you
inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for
their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous
of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be
capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep
instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're
on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own
spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying
too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own
profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own
computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the
same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed
then yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their
buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button
handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you
think, "Uh oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than
a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this
one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from
work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will
TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV
screen at the end of a movie
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or
"BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in
a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving"
tech support to other AOLers.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
76. You know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to
"check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".
78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real
name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing
they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete
sentences.
83. You have met over 100 AOLers.
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a
profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
85. You understand the humor in all of this.
86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you,
and think they can.
____________
This space for rent.
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King_Dragon
Hired Hero
Lord of all Young Dragons
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posted October 30, 2001 12:51 PM |
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a guy walks into a bar... ouch!
____________
He who challenges a dragon never lives to tell about it!
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rogue
Promising
Famous Hero
Prosecutors Will Be Shoplifted
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posted October 30, 2001 05:18 PM |
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Quote:
Must everyone always create a new thread for jokes??
Yes, it is annoying having 5 different (and recent) threads on the same topic.
Quote:
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
But what if somebody send you a message? Though, I wouldn't necessarily be sleeping at 4am anyway.
Quote:
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
Nope, it stays running 24/7. There's a web server running on it anyway, so turning it off would not be good.
Quote:
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
Well, the connection on campus is *very* fast, but no - I stay in college so long because I don't want to face reality.
Quote:
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
No, but i feel sorry for anybody who has to use a telephone line for internet access.
Quote:
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
Yes - but I don't put them sideways in snail mail...
Quote:
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
Nope.
Quote:
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.
My friend is in that situation right now. As soon as I finish college, I imagine my situation will be the same.
Quote:
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.
disappointed...
Quote:
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
I have talked with some people and never been sure, but for the most part I know. It's usually in their ICQ profiles - as long as they're telling the truth. That way I don't need to ask.
Quote:
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.
Well, duh.
Quote:
11. Your family always knows where you are.
at the computer? Well, they always assume I must be working if I'm not at the computer. They find it hard to believe I do other things too.
Quote:
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
real life conversations...?
Quote:
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Not this time, but I have forwarded some of the other computer geek jokes to people.
____________
Answers to Everything
http://help.paulinetown.com
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Sha_Men
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Jack-Of-No-Trades
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posted October 30, 2001 05:22 PM |
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I would like to have jokes
in same thread so I could find the best easier.
I'm reading the jokes so keep them coming!!!
Also this post can be taken as joke...
____________
Catch the vigorous horse of your mind.
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King_Dragon
Hired Hero
Lord of all Young Dragons
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posted October 30, 2001 11:17 PM |
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a duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender"can i have a grape?" the bartender says "no this is a bar and i have no grapes" next day the duck walks into the same bar and says to the bartender"can i have a grape?" the bartender says "NO! I DONT HAVE ANY GRAPES!" this happens for a few more days, until when the duck asks for agrape the bartender says, "if you ask me that ine more time, ill nail your beak to the wall! next day, the duck walks in and says "got any nails?" "nope." "then you got a hammer?" "no."
"then can i have a grape?
____________
He who challenges a dragon never lives to tell about it!
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RMS
Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
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posted October 30, 2001 11:43 PM |
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...hmm, I wonder if I'm in danger of becoming a nerd...not that its a bad thing...
***
10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd
10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.
8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.
____________
This space for rent.
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Vadskye91
Promising
Supreme Hero
Back again
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posted April 07, 2004 06:30 PM |
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Hey, there's nothing wrong with NPR!
____________
Knowledge is power...
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regnus_khan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
[ Peacekeeper of Equilibris ]
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posted April 07, 2004 07:05 PM |
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lame joke I once showed from a journal:
Read this immediately, or you'll be in grave danger.
Hello, this is an EVIL virus! It will be better that I'll re-send this post, if there wasn't one accidentally.
Warning: If you get e-mail named "Bat Times", delete it at once. Do not open it! Beware! This virus's disgusting. It will not only delete everything in your hard disk, but also, everything in CDs, which are somewhere 3 metres away from the CPU. It will magnetize ALL of your credit cards, destroys your VHS and scratches all of the CDs you try to play with your CD players. It will re-program your telephone that you would always call those expensive hot lines. Also, it wiill mix antifreeze in your aquarium and it will drink ALL of your beer.
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING!!!
It will leave dirty pants on your table, when you're waiting for guests. It will change your shampoo into body lotion and your body lotion into grow-your-hair lotions. Without your notice, it will go on a date with your girlfriend/boyfriend and it will pay for the hotel rooms by your credit card.
Because of this virus, you'll start running all over the flat/house with scissors like an idiot and throw everything around you - well, that's quite fun till somebody gets its eye hurt, though. This virus will re-write all of your extra copies by changing verb tenses and by including some mistakes that you wouldn't find ever.
WARN AS MUCH PEOPLE AS YOU CAN! If you don't send this message to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you will fart so strongly that your right leg throes and it will fire just in front of you, leaving sparks, which will inflame all of the people that ar adjacent to it. Send this message to all and another time, beware!
____________
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted June 23, 2004 01:15 AM |
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This thread is hilarious, except for Regnus's post.
____________
The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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Ruby
Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
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posted June 23, 2004 04:57 AM |
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If anyone wants to see something hilarious, go to this:
http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/joemomma/
I laughed so hard I fell off my chair
(For people sensative to swearing, I don't recommend it)
____________
The Darker the Sky--
The Brighter the Stars-
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Trogdor
Legendary Hero
Words in a custom title
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posted June 23, 2004 01:25 PM |
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LMAO! I might put some jokes here sometime.
____________
"Through the power of the dollar you can communicate with the dead." - Artu
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Maestro
Tavern Dweller
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posted December 28, 2004 04:05 PM |
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One day American, Russian and Bulgarian president went to ask The God some things for their countries:
-When will the USA make a colony on Mars?- asked the american president.
-In next 100years- The God answered.
-When will Russia restore her power as leader of the world?-aksed the russian president.
-In next 300years.
-When will Bulgaria get better???- asked the bulgarian president.
-Oh, I don't know!- answered The God- most probably I won't be alive when Bulgaria get better!
I'm a Bulgarian (realy) and personaly I play homm4 cuz of 2 reasons:
1.I like A LOT HOMM gamez
2.My computer don't allow me to playa lot of games! Before 2-3months I was keen on WarcraftIII, but when I enter a WCIII game on b-net my computer always load last! Damn!
____________
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greek_god_su...
Famous Hero
Bringer Of Light
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posted December 29, 2004 02:33 AM |
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Quote:
The devil captured three guys and locked them in a cage. A French, a German, and a Russian. He said, that each of them had one wish.
- I want to go back to France! - wished the French, and he disappeared.
- I want to go back to Germany! - wished the German, and he disappeared. The Russian thought for a while, then he said:
- I want those guys to come back here!
Lol! This one is best..
____________
After all, marriage and murder are not too different - one ends your life and the other is a crime
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