|
| Thread: HC Olympics: Dramatic Writing |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · «PREV / NEXT» |
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
posted August 23, 2008 04:39 PM |
|
|
I'll post mine tomorrow .
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
antipaladin
Promising
Legendary Hero
of Ooohs and Aaahs
|
|
posted August 23, 2008 08:01 PM |
|
|
i;ve edited mine
____________
types in obscure english
|
|
JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
|
|
posted August 24, 2008 12:38 AM |
bonus applied by kookastAR on 06 Nov 2008. |
|
Here's my entry. I'll be sending this to you(Genielord) through E-mail so you get to read it in all it's glory.
I step out of the coach into a windy fall day. Friday! Finally! It's been a hard week, exams after exams. I start walking towards home. There's still German and maths next week. That means no rest this weekend. Sigh. I check the mail, nothing there. That means sis is already home. I can't help but smile. I like my sister. Sure she might be annoying at times but that's what sisters do. The lid lets out a a clang as it drops down. I continue walking. If I study German today and tomorrow then I can devote to maths for the next two days. Sounds good enough, I'll do that. I open the door and step in. No lights on. She's probably gone shopping with her friend, Kati. They do that a lot. I throw my bag to the corner and walk to the kitchen. I wonder where she gets the money for all those clothes. And shoes. Always shoes. What is it with women and shoes? I switch the lights on and take jam out of the fridge. I've never gotten it. What is it so fascinating about shoes? I throw to bread slices to the toaster. I have all that I need in three pairs of shoes, running shoes, army boots and a pair of black leather shoes. She's got a whole closet just for shoes. When I once asked her about it she just laughed and ruffled my hair. “You wouldn't understand”, she said. “It's a girl thing.” She has a strange habit of ruffling my hair. Not that I'm complaining. I like it actually. It's just funny because she's a head shorter than me so she often reaches on her toes. I imagine it must seem rather bizarre. I can't help but to chuckle as I remember the first time Saija, my girlfriend, met her.
We, me and my sister, were just coming from the cinema. She was holding my hand and laughing. She got up to her toes to ruffle my hair and gave me a kiss on the cheek. She said ”Later” and turned to leave when Saija appeared out of nowhere and snow-slapped me. “HOW dare you do this to me? You're nothing but a slimy PIG!” I remember being totally confused and must have looked like I just got shot in the face. At that point my sister couldn't hold it any more and she burst laughing. Saija started to look a little disbelieving, “What are you laughing at there snow?” She tried to answer to her but nothing coherent came through her laughing. I couldn't help but start laughing when I heard my sister's attempts to talk. “What's so funny?”, Saija turned to me her eyes blazing again. Before I had time to answer I heard my sister cough and manage a few words. “This is Saija, right?” I turned to her. “Yeah, this is Saija.” She bursts out laughing again. After she calms down she wipes tears off her eyes and continues. “Wow! When you said she was feisty this wasn't exactly what I imagined.” At this point Saija was completely dumbfounded. “Would someone finally explain to me what's going on here?” I had almost forgotten her in the middle of all this. “Saija, meet my sister.” She stood still for a moment but her eyes went wide and a deep red rose to her cheeks. “Your sister...” My sister threw her hand over my shoulders and loudly proclaimed. “His one and only.” I could've sworn then that if the red on her cheeks would get any deeper it would turn black.
Bling! I take my toasts and head to my room on the way I pick my bag up and take it along. I put the toasts down at my night stand and lay down on the bed. I take a bite out one of the toasts and search for some paper and a pen. Hmm. Now what was German for affair? Oh yeah, Verhältnis. I start writing. Ein gefährliches Verhältnis...
Two hours and four pages later I finish my story. Alles in allem es war eine interessante Erfahrung. God I'm hungry! I'll check for mistakes later. I make my way to the kitchen and open the fridge. snow! Nothing. And the oldies won't be coming home till Sunday. Maybe there's something in the freezer. Ah-ha! Pizza! I rip the pizza out of the plastic and throw it into the oven. 15 minutes to waste on something. What to do? TV. I jump on the sofa and turn on the TV. I surf the channels looking for something to watch. Isn't there anything on? MacGyver will do. Oil derrick burning. I must have seen this episode three times. Well there's nothing better to do. After a while the door bell rings. Too lazy to stand up from the sofa I yell. “Come on in!” “It's locked you snow!”, my sister shouts back. Crap! I forgot to unlock the door. “Don't you have keys?”, I shout while getting up. “Yeah I do. On my desk! Now open the frigging door!” I've already made my way to the door and open it. “Kati would you mind unlocking the door?” She flips the switch down. “Thanks.” I turn to my sister. “So you two been emptying the stores again?” She smiles and lifts two carrier bags as she steps in. “What else is there?” She kicks her shoes to the corner and heads to her room. I shake my head and go to take the pizza from the oven before it's all black.
Kati follows me to the kitchen and lays her bag down on the table. I hear bottles jingling.. My mood drops. I know what that means, booze. Lots of it. I take the pizza out and put it down on the stove. “That isn't good for you.” ”Eh, don't be such a killjoy. Besides what's wrong with having a little fun in a while?” I answer to her while cutting the pizza into slices. “Having a little fun means going to the cinema maybe throwing a party or something. Not drinking till you drop!” “God not again. We've heard that too many times already bro. Do you think it will have any impact on us any more?”, my sister walks in to the kitchen. Her eyes lock on the pizza on the stove. “Hey! You've made pizza!” She springs and grabs two slices. “Hey that's mine!” She takes a chunk out of the other. “Correction brother, it was yours.” I shake my head at her. Impossible, that's what she is. “Kati would you like some too?” “Well maybe just one. I've got to watch my figure.” I scan her from head to heels and put on a thoughtful face. “Hmm, you do seem like you've gained a few kilos.” She seems a little irritated. “snow off!” I take an apologetic face. “No reason to get agitated.”, then I change back to thoughtful. “Maybe it's all that drinking...” Kati smirks at me. “You're just impossible! How does that tomboy put up with you?” I get lost for a while. Surely she doesn't mean my sister. She might be a lot of things but tomboy is far from her. “Who? Oh you mean Saija?” I smile widely. “Well if it isn't my manly charm then I must have some other assets worth her time.” It's her time to get confused. “What other...” I see the realisation on her face. “Oh.” My sister shouts from her room. “Bro, leave her alone. She's my girl and thus off-limits to you.” I wink at Kati before I take the rest of the pizza and go back to my room. I take my mp3 and put it on shuffle. Then I leap to the bed, take a bite off one of the slices and start to swot the German grammar.
What is that light? I shade my eyes and open. It's the sun but what? It's morning! “Huaaah”, I yawn and spread my arms. When did I fall asleep? I see the grammar book open beside me. Somewhere between adjectives' conjugations it seems. I look at my mp3 player. It shows X-Experience. It has played through all the songs. God, what time is it? I check my mobile, 10:30. I stand up. I better get a shower. Hopefully the girls haven't trashed the house too bad. I really wouldn't fancy tripping over a liquor bottle right now. I get to the living room. Uh, what smell. Did they drown the house in alcohol for Christ's sake? There's no way they're going to get this smell off before Sunday night. -- Hmh. Sleeping on the coach I see. -- But they're sure going to try.
“OKAY! Time to wake up Auroras! Cleaning time!” No response, not a twitch. “Morning is here! Up!” I open the blinds. Still nothing. This can't be good. I lunge to my sister. “Sis! SIS! Wake up!” My hearts twisting. I try to shake her awake. Still no reaction. I check if she is still breathing. I can only smell the alcohol but I can't feel her breath. I feel something ripping my heart in two. I break in tears. This can't be happening. I slap her on the face. “SIS! Wake up!” Still nothing. “No, no, no...don't die.”, I start crying. There's gotta be something, something I can do. Emergency! I must call emergency central. I dial 112. Kati. They're going to want to know about her too. I put my hand over her mouth. There's nothing either. Is she dead too? No there's still some breath in her. Why is she breathing if my sister isn't? Why can't they be the other way around? “Emergency central.” What? Oh yeah the phone. “You've got to help me! My sister isn't breathing!” “Slow down mister. Now what seems to be the problem?” Is she deaf? “She isn't breathing! That's what! You've got to help her!” “Calm down.” “Calm down? How do you expect me to snowing calm down when she isn't breathing!” Crazy! That's what she is! Completely nuts! “There's nothing we can do if you don't calm down. Now where are you?” Okay, breathe, breathe. Calm down. “Were home, Eerikinkatu 53, Kirkkonummi.” “Okay, there will be an ambulance there shortly. Does she still have a pulse?” A pulse? Pulse right. I try to read it from her neck but I can't feel anything with my hands trembling. “I, I don't know. I can't feel it.”, I utter out. “Okay. Do you know CPR?” 2 and 30 was it? Yeah 2 and 30. “Yeah, we learned it in school.” “Good. Just try to hold on they'll be there any moment.” Still sobbing I breath into her mouth, slowly, two times. Then I start pushing down on her chest. One, two, three , four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six. My arms are starting to ache. twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty. Two breaths. Then I start again. One, two , three, four, five, six, seven. Two men rush in. Eight, nine, ten, eleven. “Let us take it from here son.” They see Kati on the other edge of sofa. “How about her?” The other turns to go to her but I interrupt him. “She's breathing. Just fix my sister okay?” They cut her shirt open and then they sting something into her chest. “Were doing the best we can.” The other one clicks on the thing they always use on TV, the shock thing, while the other rubs some kind of gel on her chest. I can see her jolt upwards from the hit. The other one puts her hand on her neck. “Still no pulse.” Come on sis! You can do it! Don't give up! Another shock. Again she jolts up. The other one tries her pulse again. God, don't let her die! Please, she's too young. Please let her live! Please! “She's got a pulse.” Thank you God! Thank you! A wave of relief, happiness and joy washes over me. The other man leaves and comes back with stretcher. They lift her on the stretcher. “You're his brother, right?” I just nod. “You can come along if you want.” I nod again and follow them to the ambulance. After they've lifted her to the car they take another stretcher and go back inside. I get up in the car beside my sister. I take her hand and give her a kiss on the forehead “Sis, I don't know if you can hear me. Doesn't matter. I'm just so glad you're alive. Don't you ever do that to me again. I love you so much.” I start crying again. “Just hold on. It'll be al right.” They come back and lift Kati beside my sister. The other one climbs to the back while the other goes to drive. “Don't worry son. She will be al right. The worst is behind now.” I nod and wipe tears off me eyes. I think I just became a believer.
I just watch her face silently all the way to the hospital holding her hand the whole way. At the hospital they are both taken in for something they called stomach lavage. The nurse explains to me that it's something they do to remove all the alcohol from her stomach. She also asks if there was anyone she could call. I tell there isn't. This seems to shock her. “Don't you have parents?” “They wouldn't care! Do you see them here!” She looks like someone just hit her on the head. “Exactly. They're never here.”, I continue. “Surely they would want to know about her. What if you give me their number and I'll call them?” She has that look on her face, the “I'm not going to give in on this”- look so I give her my father's number. She calls him.. It's reserved. “Hmmh. So his style. There was always something else, something “more important”, work, his buddies, morning paper, his car, anything else than us. Our mother isn't any better. She is a writer you see. And she is always working. We weren't allowed to bother her. That was when we were small and they were still home most of the time. For years now they have mostly been away, never home and when they happen to be home they shove us aside. So all we really have is each other. I don't know what I'd do without her.” She smiled reassuringly. “I'm sure she'll be al right.” Somehow it made me feel calmer. There's a ring on the counter. She answers the call. “She has been transferred to the recovery. You may go see her now.” “Thank you. Thank you for listening.” I head off to find the recovery.
Recovery, recovery...Nursery, no...Ah-ha there! I open the door and step in. The lights are pretty dim. There's Kati. Some old guy. There she is, my sister. I sit down beside her and take her hand. I gently push her hair away from her face. She is so beautiful just sleeping there. My beautiful little sister. What would I have done if you were gone? Let's hope we never get to find out. The nurse from the reception comes by. “Ah, this must be your sister.” I nod. “Yes, she is.” “She's stable now. Only thing we can do is wait. She should wake up in the morning.” I nod again. I hear my stomach growl. I haven't eaten anything the whole day! She looks to me. “We should get you something to eat. Come on, the cafeteria is this way.” I wouldn't want to leave my sister. “I don't have my wallet with me. It's still at home.” She seems to sense the real reason. “She will be okay, don't worry. Come on, I'll pay for you.” I can't really turn that down politely so I accept. “Okay, I guess we don't want another patient.” “This way.”, she turns and heads for the door. I whisper to my sister. “You be good while I'm gone, you hear me sis.” And head to the hospital cafeteria after the nurse.
In the cafeteria I pick a rye roll with eggs and hot chocolate. I sit down facing the nurse, who introduced herself as Marja. “I did reach your father.” I just sip the foam from my hot chocolate not saying anything so she continues. “They are coming here to see her.” They are? Well it wouldn't look good to their friends if they wouldn't. Suddenly I get a bad feeling. A doctor and two nurses run past in the corridor. They are running towards the recovery! No! “NO!” I spring up and dash to the recovery. This can't be happening! Not again! As I enter the recovery and see the them around my sister I feel like dying. I see her chest jolting upwards again but somehow I know that her heart isn't going to start beating again. Still as I see her chest jolt up something stirs in me, maybe it's what they call hope, but it soon dies as the monitor just shows a flat line. I watch her chest jolt upwards again, still no heartbeat. Another shock, another seed of hope that dies with a flat line in the monitor taking part of my soul with it. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I shake it off. They sting her and shock her again. Her chest jolts up but drops down just as lifeless. I can feel something clutching my heart in an iron grasp. It hurts so much that I can't even cry. Her chest jolts up again and again a child of hope is born within me and just as all the others it dies with a consistent whistle coming from the monitor taking a part of my soul when it goes. I have hard time breathing. Why? WHY? She already went through this! She was supposed to be stable! One last time she jolts up, one last time I feel hope stirring in my heart and one last time the flat line in the monitor kills it but this time it doesn't take just a part of my soul it takes everything that's left. The doctors voice rings through my ears like an echo I hear the doctor's voice “Time of death, death, death...” I fall down on my knees. It's too much to bear. I can't take it. WHY? god why? Why are you playing with me? From the edges of my vision I can see the doctor and two nurses leaving. Is that why you let her live? To let her die again? Just to amuse you? You're a sadistic bastard. I feel a hand on my shoulder again but I don't have the strength to shake it off. I see someone kneeling down in front of me, it's Marja. The hand on my shoulder, it's hers. She puts her another hand on my hands and holds them. I hear her voice but it is distant, like coming from another room. “I'm sorry.” I raise my head and look into her eyes. There is honest sympathy in there. Somehow it gives me strength to know that at least someone cares in this world. I gather what little strength I have left and get up. She slowly follows suit. I look deep into her eyes. “May I have a moment alone with her?” She looks back and leaves without a word.
I go to my sister's side and carefully stroke her hair. “You were supposed to be good while I was gone. You didn't listen to me. I warned you about alcohol. You didn't listen then either. You never did. You should have. Maybe I wasn't strict enough. But how could I have been strict to you? You would just ruffle my hair and smile your playful smile.” I see her smiling face flash in front of my eyes. “Why did you have to go? It isn't right. You were too young. Only 16. Too young.” I caress her cheek. “You are just too beautiful. My beautiful little sister.” I hear her joyful laugh ringing in my ears. “What am I going to do without you sis? How am I supposed to go on?” I just adore her face. “You seem so peaceful. I shouldn't be bothering you with all this.” I kiss her on the forehead. “Rest in peace sis.” I walk to the door and step out.
I see my parents. They are talking with the doctor. Mother seems to he crying. Oh no. They saw me. My father's turning. “Son. How are you holding up?” Late as always. “It's not me you should be worrying. You should have been here for her. You weren't.” He opens his mouth but closes it. For once my father doesn't have the words. Good, serves him right. He starts again. “I'm...” “...Sorry? Don't even start that! If you hadn't been so busy avoiding us maybe you would have noticed something!” He goes silent as a grave. I hear my mother trying to talk from her crying. “You should have told us.” “Do you think I didn't try? You always drove me away when I came to talk to you! You were always too deep in one of your imaginary worlds! Well now you can find her in one of those! Or maybe he is with god? This is what I think about your god!” I strip the cross I have been carrying since my confirmation from my neck and throw it to a corner. I can see my mother bursting in tears again when I march out of the hospital.
I just keep on walking. Who are they to act like they care now when she's gone when they didn't care when she was alive? Do they think they can just waltz in and pretend to be a family now when they realise what they have lost? For sixteen years they didn't give a crap about her. Now they act like they care. “She has gone to a better place.” That's what my mother would say. “She's with god now.” snow god! He's nothing but a sick psycho playing with us! He doesn't deserve her! She would have had a whole life ahead of her. How can he do this! It isn't fair! She was only sixteen, sixteen. There's so much what she would have had ahead of her. I drop down on my knees. It isn't fair! I hit the ground again and again. It isn't snowing fair! The ground is soft, it's covered with moss. I take a look around. There are trees all around. We used to come here to play. There's a cliff just ahead. It's almost 90 degrees steep. Other kids weren't allowed to come here because it was too dangerous. We got to be here just by the two of us. “Let's sledge that down.”, she once said to me one winter. “You're crazy!”, I said. She smiled at me. “Might be but I'm going to do it.” Now how could I've resisted that smile? When we got down in more or less one piece she emerged from the snow next to me. “You seem to be just as crazy as me.” She continued with a wide smirk. “So want to do it again?” We'll never slide that down together again. I'll never see her smile or hear her laugh. The mischievous twinkle in her eyes gone, forever. I can feel the iron grip on my heart tightening. It's like a python, it only tightens it grip when you try to breathe. I walk to the edge of the cliff. It's a long way down. What if? Maybe that's why I wandered here. Maybe that's my destiny. To be with her. In this life, or another. I spread my hands and close my eyes. This is going to hurt. Probably a lot. I take a deep breath. snow you god! I'm going to stop this game of yours! Suddenly the lyrics of a song start playing around in my head and at a moments impulse I start singing it aloud.
Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, wed never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key
I hear a familiar voice singing the next chapter. It's a high but sad one.
Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken
It's Saija. When she got here is unknown to me. “Don't jump! Please!” I turn around. She walks towards me. I haven't moved an inch from the edge. I can see that she's crying. “Please don't do it!” She continues walking towards me. “Please think about it! This isn't what your sister would want you to do!” Now she's right beside me. She's sobbing. “And I couldn't take it if you jumped. I love you.” I hug her and whisper. "I love you too." The grip on my heart finally let's go. It's like a dam has been destroyed. All the blocked pain and sorrow washes over me in a single tsunami. I just hold her tight and cry.
If you don't think addiction and severe depression leading to suicide attempt aren't enough to qualify as a mental ilness then there's something seriously wrong with HC.
____________
DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
|
|
TitaniumAlloy
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
|
|
posted August 24, 2008 10:55 AM |
|
|
IMO I think we should have some kind of a time limit on this thing 
Those who have been marked submmitted theirs after writing them quickly, whereas those who we are waiting on may well be spending many days on them to create great epics 
____________
John says to live above hell.
|
|
GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
|
|
posted August 24, 2008 11:04 AM |
|
|
Tomorrow afternoon I'm posting the results and giving medals. By then, all stories should be finished.
____________
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted August 24, 2008 11:08 AM |
bonus applied by kookastAR on 06 Nov 2008. |
Edited by Azagal at 11:09, 24 Aug 2008.
|
Salim was digging through the rubble of a freshly bombed building. He still heard the shots of gunfire and explosions but by now he was quite used to it. Explosions and gunfire were the daily routine in Baghdad ever since the Americans had arrived. He’s been digging for half an hours now and hasn’t found anything of much worth. He knew he had to hurry because soon the others would come. He was usually the first to start digging as he already started to dig when he could count to 100 after the last explosion. The Doctor had thought him to count to 100. Once he was too early and a bomb exploded in the building across the street. The explosion send stones flying everywhere and a rock hit his head where he started to bleed. When he returned to the doctor in the evening he got scolded for being hit but the Doctor patched him up. He told his mother he had fallen while playing.
“The Doctor is such a nice man.” Salim thought as he continued to dig.
Soon Jasmin very soon… please just hold out a little longer! Soon you’ll be alright again. And then we can play again.
At the thought of seeing his little 4 year old sister smiling again Salim smiled. It was the miserable condition of his sister that had kept him going this week. She was had very high fever and his father, who could buy the medicine since he had the families money but he hadn’t returned yet even though he was supposed to have arrived from the front 3 days ago.
Please hurry Dad! Jasmin really needs our help. I don’t want to see her like that anymore Dad… she hasn’t done anything.
The smile from earlier vanished as he remembered his little sister lying on a blanket on the floor, coughing and sweating with fever this morning. She had stopped speaking to him yesterday, when she could barely find the strength to drink and eat what their mother feed her. But even so Salim could always see, or at least he hoped to see, the faint outlines of a smile when he came back in the evenings running to his sister and holding her hand. Telling her of all the fun things he had done that day and he told her that everybody was missing her and waiting for her to get better.
He felt bad for lying to her. He was afraid to tell her that Achmed had died in an explosion and he was too ashamed to tell her what he was actually doing during the day. Besides mother would probably forbid him continue digging in the rabble.
Just a little longer Jasmin… don’t give up now. Just today! I’ll save you.
And with fresh vigour he rammed his hands in the rouble. His hands full of old and fresh wounds from digging in the rubble. He knew he was close. The doctor had thought him to dig where it smelled of burned hair because that was where the people were lying. The first time Salim had found a dead person he started to puke and he ran away because he was too scared.
When he came back without any valuables that night the doctor scolded him and hit him. Then he gave Salim a small towel he should bind around his nose.
“You want to help your little sister don’t you?!” The doctor had shouted.
“Yes! I am sorry! Please I’ll never run away again. Please let me continue!!” Salim had pleaded for the doctor to let him continue. After all the doctor had promised him to give him the medicine if he worked for him since Salim didn’t have the money to buy the medicine.
After that incident Salim never ran away from the stench and the dead people. He still vomited since the towel didn’t do much to make the unbearable stench bearable. But he had to continue! He had to save his sister! Once he dug out a hand. At first he was happy that he found a dead person but then the hand moved. He was so terrified… he ran away crying.
When he came back later the ambulances were already there so he had to leave. Since then he didn’t cry anymore…
But today was the last day and he would finally get the medicine if he would find something today. And he did. He was very lucky because the corpse he had found seemed to have been a women and women sometimes wore bracelets or other valuables. He dug out the rest of the corpse burning his hands because the corpse was still so hot. But he didn’t care… he had to find something. Then when he checked the neck he saw it. Ohhh what luck! The woman was wearing her wedding amulet. Many women had them no matter how poor they were the families were still dignified and wouldn’t let their daughter marry without a traditional bracelet. Salim took of the bracelet burning his hands even more and ran. He ran as fast as he possibly could to the doctor’s office.
“I have it! I HAVE IT!! Now just wait Jasmin… I have it!!” he was crying tears of joy.
He had arrived at the doctor’s office and wanted to drink something from the water tap when he heard voices in the doctor’s office.
“…so you plant the explosives in the Kelim street there should be a convoy of infidels heading down the street in 20 minutes. Go now. Praise Allah!” Salim heard the doctor’s voice say.
“PRAISE ALLAH! Thank you Ibin. Please take care of my family as you promised when I’m at his side.” A man replied.
“Don’t worry I will” The doctor replied.
The door was being opened and the man the doctor has been talking to left the room with a big backpack.
Explosives? They were about to kill people? Salim couldn’t believe it… the doctor was a nice person.
“Oh hello Salim you’re back early. Did you find something?”
“Yes!! Here!” He handed over the bracelet.
“Oh… this must be your lucky d…”
“Please give me the medicine! You promised”
“Hmmm… I did?”
“Yes sir!! You did! Please! I have to help my little sister!!”
“Ok then…” He took out a little bottle containing some small pills. They looked like candy to Salim. “She has to swallow these twice a day one in the morning and one in the evening. Give them to her with water that makes it easier to swallow.”
Salim took the precious little bottle he had been working so hard for. He laughed.
“Thank you doctor!! Goodbye!!” On his way through the door he stopped.
“Doctor are you going to kill people?”
“What…?”
“I heard you talking to the man with the backpack”
“Oh that? Never mind that. You’ll understand later. It’s ok to kill infidels.”
Salim didn’t understand… mother always said it’s bad to kill people. He was still standing in the door.
“What are you standing here for?! Get lost!” The doctor shouted and Salim quickly ran out of the office. He ran as fast as his little legs could carry him home.
Everything will be ok now! You’ll be all good again Jasmin!! I’m coming Jasmin, I’m coming!
When he arrived home he was out of breath. When his mother came she saw the little bottle.
“What is that Salim?”
“I… It’s…. medicine… for Jasmin!”
The mothers eyes widened in surprise. “Medicine? Allah, how wonderful! Where did you get it from?”
Salim ignored the question “She… has…to take…. 2 per day… one in… the morning… and one in the… evening… with water” He was still breathing heavily.
He ran over to Jasmin. “Here Jasmin!! Look it’s candy. It will make you make you be alright again!” She opened her eyes “Thank….you…Salim” she smiled.
He was crying. He was so happy. Everything was good again. Then he remembered…
“Mother is it ok to kill people?”
“Well of course not what you are talking about?!”
“Ok mom. I’ll be right back you just get better Jasmin” He gave her a kiss and ran out of the house.
“Salim wait!! Where are you going?! Come back!” But he was already gone. He had to warn those people. His sides were aching but he kept running. Kelim Street wasn’t so far away. Then he was there. Allah was smiling at him today! A group of 3 soldiers where right down the road.
“HEEEEY!! SIIIIRS!! WATCH OUT!! THERE WILL BE A AN ATTACK”
___________________________________________________________________________
“Hey… what is that kid screaming for? What is he saying?” one of the American soldiers said.
“HEEEEY!! IMAAAAN!! KELEK RA!! MARIN TAK SEFUD BALIM!!”
“Take aim!” The sergeant ordered the two soldiers.
“SIR!! It’s a child!! We can’t shoot!”
“These people will do anything to kill us. They hate us. We don’t have time to talk. AIM!!”
“NO SIR!! It’s a child! I have a small son an…”
“SHUT UP AND AIM! WILLSON ARE YOU READY?”
“Yes….s..sir..” The other man replied.
“Are you crazy Willson it’s a kid!!” The other soldier replied.
“SHUT UP FERGUSON!!”
Ferguson fired some shots in the air hoping to scare the kid of.
___________________________________________________________________________
Almost there! Salim thought! Then a soldier suddenly fired. He stopped.
Did it already start?! He ran even faster.
“THERE WILL BE AN ATTACK!! YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYBODY TO LEAVE!!”
__________________________________________________________________________
“MARIN TAK SEFUD BALIM!! BASHAK MAL HAKIM SA WORET LARIT!!”
“FIREEE!!”
___________________________________________________________________________
“Mom… I… want to play… with Salim”
“Don’t worry my child he’ll be here soon”
I see how this post may prove TA's point but I hope you guys believe me when I say that I didn't have the time earlier and wrote this story today.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 01:52 AM |
|
|
Printing stories again...
____________
|
|
GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 01:13 PM |
|
|
Mvassilev:
Very good writing and style. Getting a good story from the poverty subject is a bit harder without getting too far to other issues, and you pulled it off. The style is great. You ended each paragraph with so much tension, that I felt like I want to skip the next one only to get to the continuance.
Antipaladin:
Combining fanstasy and drama came out interesting. Needs more descriptions and details. It feels a bit empty without them. Things happen too fast - the kid, the falling in love... Where's the development? And what about the subjects?
William:
Good story, has a nice plot, but should have been 3 times more dramatic. The style itself isn't dramatic. There are parts of the story in the tone of "I went to the shop today and bought..."
The date is the highlight of the story. There should be a developing conversation in it, and a logical one. Why skipping your part? When did the chaos start and for what words exactly? Those parts are missing. It's like reading a summary of the story instead of the story itself.
TA:
Very confusing story, but in a good way! It's a story that you get the point at the end. The end is indeed grea and dramatic, but the middle of the story is kind of repetitive. It wasn't boring, but you don't want it to be even close to that. Anyway, I enjoyed.
Lexxan:
Reading the first part kept me waiting for the second one. When I finished reading it, I could almost feel the tears coming to my eyes. Perfect. Just check it with an auto-speller. There are some typing mistakes.
Carcity:
Sweet and cute, but kind of unbelievable. Next time try something more medically logical, and an healthy person is never sacrifised in order to save other persons' life.
Mytical:
Good plot, interesting but not enough exciting nor dramatic. Would have been more interesting from her point of view and then from someone else's. Needs DETAILS! Where's that place? who are the people in the "crowd", who the girl actually is? I was hoping to get the answers at the end but they didn't come.
Zamfir:
Fun to read, but the text is written like you're talking to us. This needs a storytelling style. It also has to be more focused on the important things; you have more than 10 lines that tell what's written in the looklet, and the entire end is squeezed into one sentence!
Joonas:
Amazing. I like your style. It sounds so believable. I can see it in my head while reading. The beginning was a bit too slow, but it was actually good later, because it built the upcoming tension wonderfully. More signs and hints should be given at the beginning to what's going to happen, so it will make the beginning more interesting.
Azagal:
Hard, Dramatic and political. Very original, I wouldn't think to go for these subjects, and the plot is good and believable. Kids in those places do get to do those dirty terrible jobs. Gives a bit of OSM feeling , but an excellent story!
Now all you have to do is to wait for the winners' announcement at the Hall of Glory.
____________
|
|
Mytical
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Chaos seeking Harmony
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 01:22 PM |
|
|
What? No tips or anything about mine?
____________
Message received.
|
|
GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 01:33 PM |
|
|
Oops, I wrote it on the page, but didn't type it. Wait, let me edit.
____________
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 01:43 PM |
|
|
Quote:
Gives a bit of OSM feeling
Hell yeah baby . Of course it does I'm representing the Otherside what the hell am I supposed to do but to write such a story ?
Oh and one hint for everybody... don't listen to trance music while writeing a dramatic story... it doesn't set the mode. But damn I think my story is sad...(lol self-praise sucks I know but I'm just very satisfied=
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 02:24 PM |
|
|
Quote:
Zamfir:
Fun to read, but the text is written like you're talking to us. This needs a storytelling style. It also has to be more focused on the important things; you have more than 10 lines that tell what's written in the looklet, and the entire end is squeezed into one sentence!
That's my style. My story was funny and it had to be more like parody, that's why it sounds like I'm talking to you.
It has to be more focused on the important things? I think the feelings are much more important than the action. The message in the booklet sounds funny and commercial. Furthermore, it has some pretty pathetic metaphors.
Anyway, I hope my story makes for a honourable mention.
____________
5 Times TV
|
|
TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 02:33 PM |
|
|
It was supposed to be a tragedy zamfir.
@Azagal:Quote:
Hell yeah baby. Of course it does I'm representing the Otherside what the hell am I supposed to do but to write such a story?
I think yours was the best because it was OSM-like -- I mean, REAL tragedies happen in the Other Side of the monitor (RL).
|
|
JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 02:45 PM |
|
|
Quote:
Amazing. I like your style.
Hopefully that means gold then.
Quote:
I can see it in my head while reading.
That's because of the style I tried wrote it in.
Quote:
More signs and hints should be given at the beginning to what's going to happen
But then you know what's going to happen and it won't be as dramatic.
So are we still waiting for daystars 5 pages long entry or?
____________
DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 02:46 PM |
|
|
Thanks.
I really tried to make it realistic. I'm not a fan of those "PLEASE DON'T" lalalaa kids drowing in their own misery etc. kind of emo thingys they overdo it for me. I think my story is so freakin dramatic because it's so real oO (I'll stop saying positive things about my story now )
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 02:59 PM |
|
Edited by zamfir at 15:00, 25 Aug 2008.
|
Quote:
It was supposed to be a tragedy zamfir.
This thread is already full of tragedies. One of the biggest is that you didn't bored us with your showed us your masterpiece tragedy.
No, it wasn't supposed to be dramatic. A comedy is funny, yet it belongs to the dramatic genre (see "O scrisoare pierduta").
____________
5 Times TV
|
|
TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 03:03 PM |
|
|
Quote:
No, it wasn't supposed to be dramatic. A comedy is funny, yet it belongs to the dramatic genre (see "O scrisoare pierduta").
The subjects were:Quote:
Poverty or Mental Illnesses
|
|
JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 03:06 PM |
|
|
One question for you Azagal here. Will you let us now how old your character was? Or is it supposed to be a secret? My judgement of his age kinda varied within the story starting from 18 then going to 15, 10 and 5.
As for the emo writing. My story wasn't supposed to go like that but somewhere along the lines it started to have a life of it's own and just kinda went in it's own direction. I thought what the heck, if it wants to go there who am I to stop it.
It was supposed to end the main guy shutting everyone out and because of it her girl friend would have dumbed him leading to more isolation and it would have became a nice demeaning cirlce.
____________
DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
|
|
zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 03:22 PM |
|
Edited by zamfir at 15:22, 25 Aug 2008.
|
The subjects were:Quote:
Poverty or Mental Illnesses
Mental Illnesses=Severe aloholism, Alcoholism fury.
____________
5 Times TV
|
|
GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
|
|
posted August 25, 2008 03:22 PM |
|
|
LOL, I guess you haven't noticed, the results are in the Hall of Glory!
____________
|
| |
|
|
