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| Thread: Soviet Urban Legends | |
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mvassilev
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Undefeatable Hero
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posted January 28, 2009 06:53 PM |
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Soviet Urban Legends
If this offends anyone, HCM me, and I will fix it.
Parents use caretaker to protect weak children. Caretaker calls parents later, asking permission to cover frightening statue of clown. Parents say "Foolish caretaker, we have no statue."
Children and caretaker found dead. Parents rejoice. Frightened children and weak caretaker not true Soviets.
One time, public administrator from Yakutsk has need to travel in Moscow, for party business. During time spent drinking with compatriot Sibirskiye party bosses, he passes out shamefully in the streets of Moscow.
When party boss regains consciousness, he locates himself in the bath. He is packed in ice. And both of his kidneys are missing. Administrator is alarmed with severity of situation. The capitalist betrayers who offended nature with such dishonest act have set telephone next to bath, and number for emergency services of the telephone. When emergency services arrive, they finish removing heart, liver and lungs of weak public administrator.
You are home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate Jewish murderer who is on the loose. You look out the window door to beet field, and you notice Jew standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at you. You gulp vodka, picking up fone to your right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass you look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to you. You drop vodka in shock.
No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!
Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.
Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Comrades can lick too." She screams.
Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.
One night, party members leave house for workers union meeting, leave behind young weak children in care of babysitter.
Pride of the Soviet empire telephone network ring phone, girl answer. Is breathing. No talk. Girl call to Glorious Soviet Infrastructure Communications Network, woman on line is saying call is coming from inside house.
Babysitter and child admit to conspiracy and are purged in the name of great Stalin.
One night, boy and girl are together and set for the procreation of those to carry on the glory of Motherland. As boy is to engage, there is incoming call of home telephone. To phone, boy is said not to disturb condition of beautiful Soviet virgin. As of inquiry to female, it is made known that father and hero of the Red Army is passed. Uncertainty abounds for young couple, left to ask "Who had been phone?"
Unpopular state worker becomes butt of many joke. Day after unfortunate tractor accident, comrades from her village place severed arm in unpopular state worker's bed, and wait for morning to laugh. Morning comes and they enter room to find her eating arm. Horror results, because arm is enough to feed three comrades, and she will not share!
Young Soviet couple is parked out on country road preparing to reproduce for glorious motherland. A radio report tells of escaped criminal in the area called "Tsaricide" because his hands were both removed and replace with sickle and hammer in honor of United Soviet Socialist Republics. Girl becomes uneasy and her womanish cowardice causes young man to drive car away. When they get out of car, bloody sickle is attached to door handle. All involved are sent to gulags by the Communist State.
One night man is riding mule down dirt road. Young woman stands on side of road, calls out for ride home. Is very cold in Soviet winter. Man takes off coat and puts it on back of mule. Girl is also cold. Man gives her sack of turnip for to wear. Girl is much thankful for ride home.
Next morning man realize it is day for buying turnip at market, and girl still has sack. He goes to her house. No girl is there, only father. He says daughter died in salt mines ten years ago night before. Man returns to mule, turnip sack is on back of mule.
SOVIET HONESTY IS STRONG! EVEN DEATH NOT STOP REPAYMENT OF DEBTS!
Once, is boy who love reading. He read everything he could get hands on. Boy realized he read everything in nearby state-owned bookstore. He ask glorious administrator if any books to read now. Administrator say yes and pull out old, mysterious-looking book with title DEATH. "You read book, but never read first page!" say Administrator. "Book is precious! I sell for 50 rubles!" Boy pay for book and go home to efficiently-maintained state apartment block. Boy read every page of mysterious book but first page. Book is mysterious and fill mind with chilling tales of indulgent capitalist pigs; this chill boy in his bones. Then one day boy read first page and recoil in HORROR. Actual price of book only five rubles! Administrator was Jew.
Commissar, doctor, and gypsy walk into glorious Soviet bar. Commissar asks for bottle of vodka. Doctor asks for bottle of rubbing alcohol to use in hospital. Gypsy asks for glass of water. Bartender replies that only thing left in bar is bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Commissar sends decadent capitalist doctor and counterrevolutionary gypsy to gulag and orders bottle of rubbing alcohol for himself. Commissar is hailed as hero of the soviet masses and dies 3 years later of acute liver failure at old age of 18.
One day, Famous and important Soviet violinist play on the streets of Moscow, pretending to be a vagrant parasite sucking the blood of the motherland and taking the rubles of its workers. Only 27 of the 1,100 people who passed him on the street actually gave this world-class performer any cash. Glory to the Soviet worker, who understands he must not indulge the parasite!
Ukrainian citizen farmer go to chicken house to collect egg. Ukrainian place eggs in fine woven basket from great Soviet factory of Ural Mountains. Eggs collected all, weak Ukrainian moves back to house. But ho! Evil American capitalist rock lies ahead. Ukrainian citizen falls. Egg goes into ground.
Great Soviet Premier declares, "Do not put all egg in one Soviet basket!" Great Soviet armor division moves in to rule Ukraine and collect egg. For the Motherland!
During Great War, Soviet people sacrifice against evil European onslaught. Fighting gloriously for the Motherland, Soviet solider soon runs out of ammunition. Soldier picks up German gun. Weak fool is shot dead by true Soviets with Soviet guns.
German workers are not of the brotherhood of Soviet Union!
Ukrainian political commissar is carrying grain requisition by tributary of Dnieper when he see his reflection in water. He believed it to be kulak bandit hoarding grain and fired shot when noticed reflection pulled gun. He ducked and dropped grain into water.
The commissar did not meet his weekly quota of grain and was shot. NKVD agent who judged him is executed a year later. Moral of story is: Stalin was hero of patriotic war but he make mistakes.
During vacation in Moscow, glorious capital of USSR, foolish woman leaves child alone to watch capitalist execution. Woman returns and baby missing! Woman calls for comrades and for wonderful soviet policemen. Issue alert over city, looking for missing child. Hours later, police find baby kidnapped by capitalist! Baby was killed and organ taken, filled with illegal American bread and food rations! Capitalists would use baby to smuggle food into Moscow! Woman executed with capitalists for aiding the smuggling.
One day in glorious Khantia-Mansia Autonomous Oblast, peasant is orders patriotic bottle of vodka at soviet lunch counter of the masses. Peasant takes bottle on long ride out to countryside and takes a sip every mile while patriotically reciting poems composed by Great Stalin. At the eighth sip peasant notices object in bottle is touching his lips. Peasant inspects bottle and finds a dead mouse inside bottle!
Peasant reports mouse in bottle to local commissar. Commissar sends peasant to gulag for re-education where he dies of cholera and commissar notifies KGB of discovery of mouse in vodka. Soon mouse in vodka is manufactured nationwide by great factories of the soviet masses to provide nutrition for schoolchildren so they can grow up be strong and fight capitalist running dog imperialists from USA.
A child and his father driving in glorious Soviet-made automobile were struck by evil capitalist scum hit-and-run driver. The father dies, and the son is seriously injured. With excellent efficiency and proud spirit, medical personnel of the Motherland arrive for take boy to hospital. When he arrive at surgical room, however, the doctor says "I cannot operate on child here, he is son of mine."
Obviously, the doctor was his mother. Soviet Union not have capitalist sexism, for we are great and progressive nation serving all the workers!
The doctor was shot for refusal to carry out duty to Motherland.
Glorious Soviet Republic Ballistic Missile submarine have reactor accident deep under arctic ice. First Mate Petrov inform Lieutenant Zherdev he must go into reactor to shut it down, but have no radiation suit to protect him. First Mate Petrov say he will close door behind him and then open when he come back. Lieutenant Zherdev agree to do this courageous deed for motherland and comrade of submarine. When he done come back to door and ask for Petrov to open. Petrov say he cannot open because of stuck closed. Lieutenant Zherdev weep for his beautiful soviet children he will never see again, then die from radiation sickness. Glorious submarine sink two hour later from reactor explosion.
First Mate Petrov awarded hero of Soviet Union for purging cowardice in Grand Soviet Fleet, and denying the capitalist pig-dog Americans their prize ship, when they ram submarine in international water.
In glorious times after Patriotic War, Stalin is approached for advice by three workers of proletariat. One is chainsmoker, one is alcoholic, one is filthy sodomite that is for some reason left unpurged by glorious fires of the KGB. Stalin wisely states that if any of the three indulge in vices again, death shall be soon!
On way home, drinker is foolish and goes to bar. Upon first touch of vodka to lips, he drop dead!
Smoker and sodomite see and leave bar to go home. Upon walking smoker sees cigarette lying in street. Before trying to retrieve cigarette with the effort of the working class, sodomite taps him on shoulder and whispers, "Comrade! If you go for that cigarette, surely we shall be both as damned as the capitalist oppressors of America!"
Smoker immediately runs to nearest commissar to tell them of threat, sodomite is put in gulag. Smoker continues home and lives happy productive life until undiagnosed lung cancer kill him.
Woman is driving home. Over radio she hears that violent capitalist has escaped gulag. Behind her, truck appears. It flashes lights. Woman look back. There is nothing. Truck flashes it lights, and again the woman looks behind her, causing her car to careen off cliff and woman to die.
Truck driver was trying to warn her about evil American capitalist deathtrap she was driving! Only cars made in glorious motherland are safe to drive!
In winter of 1942, with overtaxed supply lines in Stalingrad, a medic in Red army completely run out of plasma, bandages and vodka. During one particularly bad round of mortar fire, his encampment was borscht. Those who survived claimed to have heard, above the screams and barked commands of their Lieutenant, someone cackling with almost girlish glee.
The medic had made his rounds during fire, in almost complete darkness as many times before, but never was this short on supplies. No matter. He would do his duty. He had always prided himself on his being Soviet.
The bombardment moved to other ends of line, and most men dropped off to sleep in dark, still hours of the morning - New Year's Day, 1943. The men awoke at first light with screams. They discovered that their bandages were not typical bandages at all, but hunks and strips of Communist flesh. Several men were given fresh blood transfusions, yet there had been no blood supplies available. Each treated man was almost completely covered, head-to-toe, with the Marxist stain of blood.
The medic was found, sitting on an ammunition tin, staring off into space. When one man approached him, and tapped him on the shoulder, his tunic fell off to reveal NKVD agent, who sent everyone to gulag. None of men treated for wounds that night, in that camp, saw end of January, 1943.
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Eccentric Opinion
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Lexxan
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Unimpressed by your logic
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posted January 28, 2009 06:54 PM |
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Edited by Lexxan at 18:54, 28 Jan 2009.
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In Soviet Russia the Urban Legends read you!
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Coincidence? I think not!!!!
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted January 28, 2009 10:53 PM |
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Quote:
In Soviet Russia the Urban Legends read you!
In Soviet Russia, jokes laugh at you.
Actually, so do I.
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted January 28, 2009 11:56 PM |
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Quote:
Once, is boy who love reading. He read everything he could get hands on. Boy realized he read everything in nearby state-owned bookstore. He ask glorious administrator if any books to read now. Administrator say yes and pull out old, mysterious-looking book with title DEATH. "You read book, but never read first page!" say Administrator. "Book is precious! I sell for 50 rubles!" Boy pay for book and go home to efficiently-maintained state apartment block. Boy read every page of mysterious book but first page. Book is mysterious and fill mind with chilling tales of indulgent capitalist pigs; this chill boy in his bones. Then one day boy read first page and recoil in HORROR. Actual price of book only five rubles! Administrator was Jew.
ROFLMAO  
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The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted January 29, 2009 12:21 AM |
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Eh. Most are kinda lame.
I did giggle at the "Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory" part though. And the absence of articles adds to the jolly Soviet atmosphere... But other than that, not much.
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frostwolf
Famous Hero
livin' in a bottle of vodka
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posted January 29, 2009 01:03 AM |
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Personally, I found it hilarious. It's not so much the texts themselves as the "soviet English" they're written in.
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What can you expect from a world where everybody lives because they're too afraid to commit suicide?
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Geny
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted January 29, 2009 11:48 AM |
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And here I thought that it was just the inability of BabelFish.
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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VokialBG
Honorable
Legendary Hero
First in line
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posted January 29, 2009 12:02 PM |
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Quote:
Quote:
Once, is boy who love reading. He read everything he could get hands on. Boy realized he read everything in nearby state-owned bookstore. He ask glorious administrator if any books to read now. Administrator say yes and pull out old, mysterious-looking book with title DEATH. "You read book, but never read first page!" say Administrator. "Book is precious! I sell for 50 rubles!" Boy pay for book and go home to efficiently-maintained state apartment block. Boy read every page of mysterious book but first page. Book is mysterious and fill mind with chilling tales of indulgent capitalist pigs; this chill boy in his bones. Then one day boy read first page and recoil in HORROR. Actual price of book only five rubles! Administrator was Jew.
ROFLMAO
LOL
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted January 29, 2009 12:37 PM |
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Quote:
Once, is boy who love reading. He read everything he could get hands on. Boy realized he read everything in nearby state-owned bookstore. He ask glorious administrator if any books to read now. Administrator say yes and pull out old, mysterious-looking book with title DEATH. "You read book, but never read first page!" say Administrator. "Book is precious! I sell for 50 rubles!" Boy pay for book and go home to efficiently-maintained state apartment block. Boy read every page of mysterious book but first page. Book is mysterious and fill mind with chilling tales of indulgent capitalist pigs; this chill boy in his bones. Then one day boy read first page and recoil in HORROR. Actual price of book only five rubles! Administrator was Jew
This one is killing me.
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5 Times TV
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted January 29, 2009 01:26 PM |
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Once, is boy who love reading. He read everything he could get hands on. Boy realized he read everything in nearby state-owned bookstore. He ask glorious administrator if any books to read now. Administrator say yes and pull out old, mysterious-looking book with title DEATH. "You read book, but never read first page!" say Administrator. "Book is precious! I sell for 50 rubles!" Boy pay for book and go home to efficiently-maintained state apartment block. Boy read every page of mysterious book but first page. Book is mysterious and fill mind with chilling tales of indulgent capitalist pigs; this chill boy in his bones. Then one day boy read first page and recoil in HORROR. Actual price of book only five rubles! Administrator was Jew.
ROFLMAO
LOL
this made my day happy and SHINY! instead of grey and dull
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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del_diablo
Legendary Hero
Manifest
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posted January 29, 2009 01:57 PM |
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Quote:
A child and his father driving in glorious Soviet-made automobile were struck by evil capitalist scum hit-and-run driver. The father dies, and the son is seriously injured. With excellent efficiency and proud spirit, medical personnel of the Motherland arrive for take boy to hospital. When he arrive at surgical room, however, the doctor says "I cannot operate on child here, he is son of mine."
Obviously, the doctor was his mother. Soviet Union not have capitalist sexism, for we are great and progressive nation serving all the workers!
The doctor was shot for refusal to carry out duty to Motherland.
LOL Its good compared to some of them
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