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| Thread: The lovliest mushrooms | |
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LichKing
Honorable
Known Hero
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posted May 08, 2009 03:06 AM |
bonus applied by pandora on 08 May 2009. |
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Poll Question:
The lovliest mushrooms
Grow in the oddest places. I learned this little lesson way back before I was even a wee little Lich. Later on in unlife I used this knowledge to take over most of the world. I’ll tell you about it….
I was still a human and in my freshman year of college. Times were good, life was great, and everybody loved me. Everyone but my necromancy instructor, that is. She had a strong dislike of freshmen in general and an even greater hatred of me in particular so she hatched a little scheme to do away with me. She thought it would be a neat idea to send me on a midnight hike through a swampy graveyard to collect enough bones to animate a skeleton with. Thing is, she didn’t bother telling me about the old hermit who lived with his pack of hellhounds in the mausoleum in the middle of the cemetary.
So there I was, digging for bones. I was covered with swamp slime, sweating my butt off, half-eaten by mosquitos . I had gone through 12 graves collecting my bones and all I needed to complete my skeleton was an intact skull. There was a fairly fresh grave close to the middle of the cemetary that looked prospective so I made my way to it and began digging. I got to the casket, popped the lid, and found just what I needed—a whole skull.
I stuck it into my sack and was about to climb out of the grave when I heard a growl coming from above me. I looked up to discover that the grave was surrounded by hellhounds. Standing behind the biggest, meanest looking hellhound was a cloaked figure. He asked me what the hell I thought I was doing digging his yard full of holes and I was at a complete loss for words so I resorted to the only thing I could think of. I told him the truth.
Well, I was sure I was about to become dogmeat when he laughed and invited me in for tea. When we got inside he took off his cloak and I saw that he was a really handsome devil. I mean, he was a devil and he was handsome as far as devils go. He told me he used to have a happy life in Hell until his wife got tired of him spending all of his time fox hunting and kicked him and his dogs out.
He was depressed because he missed all of his old hunting buddies and he never got to foxhunt anymore so I told him that if he’d forgive me for the holes and not make dogmeat out of me I would go foxhunting with him. So we went out on a merry foxhunt and had ourselves a good old time. In fact, we had so much fun he invited me to come back and do it again and he even gave me one of his hellhounds to have for my own.
I went back home and fed my new pet and then set to assembling my skeleton. I got all the parts together and chanted all the spells and Ta-Da!! my skeleton sprang to unlife. I had just enough time to shower and do up my hair before I had to be in class so off to the bathroom I went. Sadly, hellhounds being hellhounds and bones being bones, Fluffy (that’s what I named my doggie) did what comes natural and when I returned from the shower all that was left of my new skeleton was the tip of a femur sticking out of his mouth. I was crushed. All my hard work had gone to naught. How was I going to explain this at school?
So I get to school and when it was time for Show and Tell I got up in front of the class and told them my story about the Devil and the foxhunt and all the fun we had and everyone laughed and I figured everything would be ok. Then I had to turn and tell the teacher the dog ate my homework and boy was she ever pissed. I got kicked out of school for that one. Poor, poor Lich. Nobody understands.
So I gathered up all my stuff and left school brokenhearted and set out to make a new life for myself when the idea came to me that the first thing I would need to do would be to get myself a job. I was looking through the online classified ads when I noticed a job opening for a caretaker at the local laundromat. I went down and applied and got the job and one of the tasks I had to do was to take the trash out several times a day.
I had just stepped out back with a bag of trash when the mushrooms (remember the mushrooms?) just popped out of the ground right in front of me. They were the prettiest mushrooms I ever saw and I knew I just had to have them for my tummy so I picked them and took them home and breaded them up and fried them and ate them up and they were goooooooood!
I smacked my lips and burped and then I began to feel a little strange. I hadn’t realized that these were no ordinary mushrooms, oh no. These were magic mushrooms and strange things were starting to happen. I had this overwhelming urge to visit a cave I’d never seen before on top of a mountain I had never even heard of. Over the next few days the urge to see this cave got stronger and stronger until the only thing I could do was set out on the road in search of the mountain. I knew that if I could only find the cave then things would be ok.
I travelled for months and months and one day I finally found the cave. I went inside and in the middle of the cave there was a stone pedestal with a large object on it. I picked it up and discovered it was a huge book. There was a lock on the binding but when I touched the lock it clicked open just like it was meant for me. I opened the cover and inside the cover was printed THE GREAT BOOK OF LICH.
Well folks, this is when I found my true calling because the very minute I began reading the pages I was infused with a dark energy and an evil knoweldge. I knew it was my destiny to rule the world. I had the perfect plan for doing it, too. I’ll tell you about it after I’ve had some sleep because it’s been a long day and Lich has to get up early.
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SOUND THE CHARGE!! INTO GLORY RIDE!!!
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted May 08, 2009 03:26 AM |
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QP applied lich, keep up the awesome posting 
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What are you up to
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pandora
Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
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posted May 08, 2009 01:13 PM |
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Hail to the king baby 
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
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razor5
Famous Hero
Freezing...
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posted May 08, 2009 01:18 PM |
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Your post made my day,LichKing  .Seriously
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted May 08, 2009 02:22 PM |
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This was an interesting read.
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5 Times TV
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Evasion
Famous Hero
Groovy!
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posted May 08, 2009 02:38 PM |
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As Zamfir said, this was an interesting read.
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R
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LichKing
Honorable
Known Hero
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posted May 12, 2009 06:05 AM |
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Edited by LichKing at 18:05, 12 May 2009.
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continued
Ok, so now I had a new home. I found a spell in the back of the Book that allowed me to turn the whole mountain into a towering Necropolis that had all the amenities. It had torture chambers, prison cells, skeleton transformers, a mini-mall--you name it. My personal chambers were downright lavish. The floor in my bedroom was pink linoleum. The walls were decked out in psychedelic flowers and posters of all my favorite metal bands. A huge disco ball hung from the ceiling. My bed had one of those neat machines that give you a massage when you stick a quarter into it. I had a hot tub, a video game arcade, a kitchenette and big screen tv. There was even a lime green futon in one corner for Fluffy. It occurred to me that Lichdom was pretty freakin cool. This was the unlife!
But after several years it got to be boring. Having all the cool stuff I could ask for was nice enough, but something was missing. Some little thing I couldn’t quite put my finger on was not right and it was slowly eating away at me. I was sinking into depression when I finally realized what it was. The world needed a ruler and I was the perfect Lich for the job. All I needed now was an army to conquer it with.
Early one morning I set out ‘recruiting’. I visited graveyards and animated all the corpses they held. I razed peasant towns and converted all the dead to my cause. My numbers were growing at an astonishing rate and by the time I made my way back to my old homeland I had quite the legion of skeletons following me. My army was beginning to take shape.
You may be wondering why I would ever want to go back to the place that I used to call home after being laughed at and driven out of school the way I was. The answer is simple. When I left the laundromat I had forgotten my purple trenchcoat and my pink fedora with the long green peacock feather in the hatband and I wanted them back.
Luckily when I got there they were still hanging right where I had left them. I put them on and got ready to leave when the thought occurred to me ‘Lich, I wonder if those mushrooms
(remember the mushrooms?) ever came back after you picked them.’
I went out back and looked on the ground but there weren’t any mushrooms to be found. I was about to turn and leave when I looked at one of the trash cans and saw that there was a basket in it just filled with mushrooms. I went over to the can to get the basket and noticed that each mushroom had its own little label attached to it with instructions for how to use it. Some said ‘eat me’, some said ‘throw me’, some said ‘take me home and plant me’, and still others read things like ‘In case of Rap attack place in ear’. I’d literally struck the mushroom gold mine.
Collecting up the basket, I turned and headed back for home. I had to see what all my goodies were going to do this time. I went to the local toy store and purchased a few thousand hobby horses for me and my army to ride back on. I was in a hurry to get there and horses seemed like the fastest way back. These days I just take my Lear jet. Anyway, I animated all the hobby horses and we rocked our way all the way home in less than a week.
Hobby horses are fast transportation, but I have to tell you—when the road got bumpy all the bone to wood grinding made for lots of splinters in our undead butts. It took 2 days to get them all picked out.
Bedtime now, more later
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SOUND THE CHARGE!! INTO GLORY RIDE!!!
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted May 12, 2009 06:51 AM |
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What are the odds 
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"Let me tell you what the blues
is. When you ain't got no
money,
you got the blues."
Howlin Wolf
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razor5
Famous Hero
Freezing...
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posted May 12, 2009 02:34 PM |
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Want for more! Awesome
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Corribus
Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
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posted May 12, 2009 03:12 PM |
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I know - it creeps me out to even be in this thread at all.
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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted May 12, 2009 06:40 PM |
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You are awesome keep it up
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H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb
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LichKing
Honorable
Known Hero
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posted May 17, 2009 05:42 AM |
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Edited by LichKing at 05:47, 17 May 2009.
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more about mushrooms
Contrary to popular belief, Liches don't like gold. The reason is simple. It is written in The Great Book Of Lich that Rap is deadly poison to a lich's ears. Well, rappers and gold go together like peanut butter and jelly. Wherever you find one, the other won't be very far away.
Think about it. Have you ever seen a rapper who didn't have at least 40 pounds of the stuff hanging from his neck? Look at all the gold filled teeth. Watches, belt buckles, earrings, the list goes on and on and on. It's enough to make me want to puke, and puking's a hard thing for a lich to do.
Lich has no need for the stuff. It's not like I have to actually pay my army or buy food or anything like that. Sure, I get the usual utility bills and such but I just ignore them. When they send the collectors out to shut things off I just run them through the skeleton transformer and add them to my ranks. Problem solved.
Anyway, as soon as I finished picking the splinters out of me arse I grabbed the mushroom labelled 'take me home and plant me' and went out to my courtyard. I found a nice shady place under an old dead tree and dug a little hole and planted it. I watered it and then went inside and waited.
A couple of days went by and nothing was happening with my mushroom garden so I decided to have a little fun to ease my boredom.
I have a jar full of fairies I like to torment whenever I'm feeling blue. I captured them on a mushroom a few years earlier while they were dancing around, but that story's already been told. Anyway, I got them out and started shaking the jar up and down real hard. You could see them squirm and hear them squeal every time they whacked heads with one another or smacked against the lid or the bottom of the jar. I like to shake 'em up until I see a few black eyes and bloody noses and then I sit down and eat ice cream in front of them just to piss them off even more. Tormenting fairies is such fun.
A couple more days passed and it was the first night of the full moon when I heard the strangest racket coming from the courtyard. I was in my room playing Fetch The Telemarketer with Fluffy when it started. So I locked my telemarketer back up in his cage and went outside to investigate.
When I got outside I noticed there was a huge mound in the middle of the courtyard where I had planted my mushroom. There was a gaping hole in the top of it and the undead were pouring out in legions from it. There were dread knights, vampire lords, wraiths, ghost dragons and zombies galore assembling in ranks in front of me. They were all chanting 'All Hail The Lich', 'Obey Lich', and 'Rap Is Crap' and the sound of it was music to my ears.
I now had the army I needed to conquer the world. The next day I kissed Fluffy goodbye and set out marching.
Back in those days the world was still one big land mass surrounded by a vast ocean. I marched all the way down to the southern tip of the world and completely destroyed any resistance I met. Half the world was mine now and it had only taken me about 5 months to sieze it. I marched back home for a well-deserved rest and began plotting my campaign against the north.
Little did I realize that while I sat at home resting on my laurels word of my ascent to power was racing ahead of me like wildfire.
Lich's kids need Dad's attention now. More later.....
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted May 23, 2009 08:33 PM |
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Edited by Elvin at 20:33, 23 May 2009.
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bump!
I was busy at the time but now read through the rest Looking forward to more.
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H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb
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Blade
Hired Hero
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posted July 07, 2009 04:12 PM |
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Nice work, bud.
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