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| Thread: Poor Mans Orchids | |
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violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted October 07, 2009 05:32 PM |
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frostwolf
Famous Hero
livin' in a bottle of vodka
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posted October 07, 2009 07:50 PM |
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A woman considering she deserves a man more than his wife just because she has more money? A woman who loves a man and would not hesitate to break his marriage even tough she knows the man loves his wife. Of course, she belives she deserves to do as she pleases since her own past seems to haunt her. Her bad choice regarding husbands leaves her with the impression that she deserves to take away another's man; compensation mechanism in the freudian sense - harmful. Of course, she never actually does act on her desire, but it's not so much because she doesn't want to but because she wishes to hide behind the passive role. Should he make the first step, she would be absolved of all guilt. But then again, immorality lies within the thought as much as in the action.
Then again, when a woman loves, no force can stop her. But perhaps, in such a short narrative, the protagonist should lean more towards the good side, if not for anything else then for making it more symphatetic to the reader.
For the other part, stylistically speaking, your piece abounds with metaphors regarding lust and love, which are quite inspired - you seem to have a knack for them; but they don't fit that well with the style of the narrative. Hearing the same person think of sweaty skin and lust and then curse her former husband in what I may call "mundane terms" creates a sort of discontinuity in the mental portrait of the character that the reader tries to form in his mind.
Well, that's my two cents. I would write more, but I have to go. Of course, I am no more a critic than anyone else, so my opinions may be considered as useless or idiotic as you please. I do hope I was not insulting by criticizing, as it is my impression that a work posted in a thread is there for constructive criticism; I hope I am not mistaking about that.
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What can you expect from a world where everybody lives because they're too afraid to commit suicide?
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violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted October 07, 2009 08:08 PM |
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Oh no, I am no writer, I just do it for fun.
I have been with those that critique and it has
thickened my skin to constructive criticism.
I appreciate that you even took the time to read it.
It is a mundane piece at best and was time crunched to see what we could come up with. I actually had to think to myself, "Does this character mean something, have I thought similar thoughts and not acted on them?"
Women love and will go to all lengths sometimes to get receive
that love in return.
For her character needed more history and there
needed to be a depiction of the man and his relationship
with his wife to show that he could be loved by the southern tramp
better.
A scorned women should never pursue anyone and if they
do so only after pursuing the truth about thyself, thus
bringing less Coco Channel luggage to the door.
Thank you...
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violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted October 07, 2009 11:08 PM |
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Taking it down, will complete on my own....Gosh nothing good at of my head lately.
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted October 07, 2009 11:10 PM |
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Are you alright, VF?
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted October 07, 2009 11:11 PM |
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Yep, just want to refine it a bit and I can't seem to write well lately which was another reason for returning, sometimes the board inspires me. Thanks for asking .....
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Corribus
Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
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posted October 07, 2009 11:17 PM |
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Nice work, VF. No specific comments from me other than it's nice to read some original work around here for once rather than (a) spam and offtopic nonsense or (b) political opinions. If I were a mod, I'd give you a QP just for that! 
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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
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xerox
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
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posted October 07, 2009 11:18 PM |
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Lol why did a great woman like that name herself Coco? Xerox is a pro-feminist. IRL.
For some reason Coco sounds like a monkey to me.
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Over himself, over his own
body and
mind, the individual is
sovereign.
- John Stuart Mill
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted October 07, 2009 11:18 PM |
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Nah, okay, just wondering. I kind of liked the story. I'll admit, it's not my kind of story, but I can't say anything bad about a classic romantic short. I somehow sympathise with the protagonist greatly. I think she doesn't take initiative and lives so much in her own perception of reality that she doesn't feel like verifying it or changing current reality to suit those needs. Of course, it can just be that way because she hasn't seen her love interest in years and, during long times of absence, romanticism starts to grow in you.
Maybe if she met the character again, she'd be confronted by harsh reality. Maybe not at all, but that's how I imagine it could go. pretty Post-modernist ending I fantasised, but whatever 
This is all my own interpretation of course. I didn't go to the text itself to prove my points, like I should do if I were in my language classes, but either way, just typing away incoherent things...
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted October 07, 2009 11:22 PM |
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Thanks guys.... Fantasized did you?
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted October 07, 2009 11:24 PM |
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I am innocent!
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted July 13, 2012 12:12 AM |
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POOR MANS ORCHID
Written By
Violent Flower
I drug my heavy body from the bed in excitement as I knew Lukas was on his way over to see me. Well he was coming over to do some work for me, work that didn’t even need doing. Last time I seen him he and his sorry excuse for a wife were locked together at the market. I remember glaring at them and watching every finger stroke that he lay on her white skin. The towns people thought her to be some sort of beauty queen, I thought her bosom was so far pushed up she could have used them for her eyes. Nonetheless Lukas adored her and I for one was tired of being single, tired of stroking my silk woven bed coverings at night all alone. I have always fancied Lukas and the way he takes over a room.
I waited patiently in my sunflower yellow dress making sure my lattice work was nice and pulled tight. I may not have been blessed with his wives bosom but I could sure make it look as though I was. The knock at the door caused me more butterflies then a garden of poor mans orchids. His knock was gentle and quiet just like him; I got up and fixed my dress and threw back my long red hair. “Lukas, why do you insist on flattering me with your taken presences?” I gently lowered my head so he could not detect the disappointment in the fact that his wedding ring was blinding my hopes.
“Well Miss. Halson I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable in anyway, I was just here to fix that problem you said you were having.” He stated this as he rubbed his forehead clean of the drops of sweat that were produced by embarrassment. “Stop calling me Miss. Halson it makes me sound old, call me by my God given name, Corada!” I said with a tone of snappiness. I waited for a smile from those plump lips of his, when one did not appear I though maybe I was a bit harsh on him. “Oh Lukas don’t fret, I guess I just enjoy your company so much, that’s all, I just get a little nervous.”
I reached for his hand to lead him to the backyard where I had a job waiting for him. He hesitated for a moment and then took my hand in his ever so gently. I knew that my eyes could not hide my excited as it had been forever since a man had taken my hand and no one had hands like Lukas. It was as though he soaked them in butter milk every night, maybe the one thing his wife did right. He held it as if he owned it and I was hoping the walk to the backyard would get delayed, I had not walk that slow since my wedding day five years prior. I remember walking equally as fast to get to my dead husbands funeral. Lord let this be over quicker than the first time we christened our bed, so fast I thought he had just tripped and fell on me.
We reached the French doors and he let go of my hand to open them for me. “What do you have for me today Corada?” he asked with innocent grin of his. “I need you to dig this trench out the rest of the way for me Lukas. The gentlemen that started it never finished it and if it rains my basement will flood again.” Now I knew that basement was not going to flood, my dead husband John had already had a trench dug out on the other side but I just had to come up with something so I could just be near him.
“Do you have something to drink for me before I get started?” He smiled while twisting at his ring and looked at me until I answered. “Whatever you wish, I have some lemonade made if you would like.” He shook his head at me and watched me as I walked away. I felt his see through blue eyes piercing the small of my back and thought what it might be like to have his tongue clean off the sweat that soaked my shear dress. I barely made it kitchen without my heavy breathing being heard by all.
I knew that he was married and even made good with his wife. She never treated him the way that he deserved and I felt that at some point he would leave her. She was poor trash, that’s all she was, had nothing to offer Lukas, just a pretty face is all. I could give him everything, my daddy made sure I was set after he died, the only thing he ever did for me; she didn’t even know who her daddy was.
I walked out to witness him taking off his shirt before grabbing the shovel. My hands started to get wet and my mouth moistened as I handed him his drink. He grabbed it and my wet grip got tighter, all I wanted to do was taste his mouth with mine. I just wanted him to see what he was missin, I wanted him to taste all my thoughts, one at a time, slowly, gently and with conviction. I spent the next several hours watching his form as he became one with his work; catching him starring at my exposed legs and flirting with the idea of walking over and disrobing him one sweaty wet layer at a time. I wondered if that silly wedding band would stop his body from fusing with mine.
He finally completed the trench and with both carved arms pierced the head of the shovel next to his work. I picked up his shirt and with my back turned towards him I pressed it to my face. It smelled just like I knew he would, just like he would after I pressed my unclothed body to his and forced him to realize he belonged with me. I handed it back to him and we walked back into the French doors together. “Thank you Corada for the work, I must get back home now.”
This was ten years ago and I still remember it as though I was in the backyard with him right now. He moved away with his wife a few months after that day, from what I heard they had four children and he farmed while she got the pleasure of taking care him. I still sit in my room and press my forehead against the wet glass in the morning hoping to see Lukas walking down my dusty drive. I never loved John and I never stopped loving Lukas. John deserved to die, he covered me on a daily bases with bruises, I just wish it were me that killed him and not some train that had no bad memories with him at all.
I wasted ten years with that man and the only man that I ever really loved or desired to hold my heart was Lukas. I could never be with another and he could never be without his wife. My heart will never stop hurting and maybe someday he will come look for me, my fear is that I will be hanging from my own apple tree; swinging in the mid afternoon breeze above the garden of poor mans orchids.
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Learn how to duck and weave because I will throw truth at you all day!
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Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted July 13, 2012 12:22 AM |
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That put a tear in my eye.
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"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness." Jenny
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violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted July 13, 2012 12:23 AM |
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Sorry, which eye was crying?
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Learn how to duck and weave because I will throw truth at you all day!
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xerox
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
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posted July 13, 2012 03:32 AM |
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wtf I used to be a feminist??? O.o
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