|
| Thread: Huge problem... |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 · «PREV / NEXT» |
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
posted May 19, 2011 02:41 PM |
|
|
Quote:
Whazz wrong with you guyz ?? talkin is awkward you will destroy their friendhip, find a guy and tell her how much u like him, dont listen to what boyz say, boyz dont understand
Yeah because ignoring the problem is going to solve everything. And you say men give bad advice pff .
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 02:45 PM |
|
|
Who is "we"?
I mean, if "WE" (whoever it was) were joking "very often" about having a 3-some, 4-some or n-some - and I suppose "joking" means something like "funny phantasizing", combining joke/fun with some kind of "thrill" -, I actually wouldn't be too surprised, if one day I got an invitation from one or more of those who are "WE" to not just talk about it, but actually DO it.
I know that this is so - I mean, if it was COMPLETELY impossible and out of the question it would be no fun.
So now you have to take a couple of deep breaths, because this is the moment when life kicks in and overtakes you. You know - or maybe you don't - how life has the funny habit of taking you by your word.
There is no easy way out anymore.
I don't know how old you are and so on and what EXACTLY has been joked. It doesn't habe to be so that your friend is secretly gay and has a crush on you or is even in love.
It may just be that she feels insecure and maybe thought you might be befriended enough with her to actually try something out and see what happens - I have no idea. But you will know it.
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 02:57 PM |
|
|
Quote:
It may just be that she feels insecure and maybe thought you might be befriended enough with her to actually try something out and see what happens - I have no idea.
Yeah that's actually a very good point. I may have talked a lot on the page before but that's all assuming you're right Evinin.
Maybe she just wants to experiment and since she trusts you the most (and you're really pretty =3) she came to you.
And while I believe you have a point JJ that all the joking stuff also is fun because of the possibility that it's not all just fun and games someday I don't think it's binding. I mean she's already said that she likes to joke about it because she finds the thought entertaining, it's perfectly understandable if it's entertaining because it is a theoretical scenario. Afterall she's always made it clear where her real interests lie.
If she's confronted about it a joke shouldn't bind her simply because it might suggest other feelings she has. I mean from what I've seen she's not made light of the subject in situations where it might be mistaken for something else.
Jokes are Jokes and while they may indeed hint at things we might want it doesn't have to mean we'll really want those things when confronted about them.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 02:58 PM |
|
|
Since I am subtle as a rock in social stuff, you might as well not listen to me.
So, I hope you won't get too annoyed by reading what I would do.
I would say "bye bye" to her.
I really hate people that go all emo or offended because they actually took offense about some pointless detail. or because you haven't lived up to their IMAGINATION. Yes it can be emotional, I agree, however if a grown up person cannot simply realize that you are not a lesbian and not interested in relationship with her (and you actually have a boyfriend) and instead of simply swallowing the bitter pill and moving on she gets all angry or refuses to talk or acts offended, I'd say LET HER. Until she comes back and apologizes. If she doesn't, it means she doesn't really care for you and doesn't need you in her life, she only needs you if you stand up to her VISION of you, and as soon as that vision goes to a "no-no", she gets offended and breaks off contact.
I find such people annoying and immature, and not really worth the fuss of trying to get through their egos. She decided not to care for you anymore? well, good riddance.
Again, I am subtle as a rock in the "friendship" issues, so you may as well ignore me and my thoughts, and you probably should.
____________
We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
|
|
evinin
Supreme Hero
Servant of Asha
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:03 PM |
|
|
Thanks again for the advises. I'm really trying to calm.
As far as I know she likes a boy that has no feelings towards her and I'm always there for her and so... I'm thinking that she's just confused and so.
Sometimes I make a lot of pervy jokes and that's something that people like about me - it's funny but not gross etc. With this girl we make a lot of jokes but I never thought that she may think that some things that I said were actual.
We were four girl that night (no one was drunk) but we were all a little bit sad so I started making jokes like "let's make out, let's do something crazy" and that kind of stuff but nothing happened and no one thought that I was serious. Only she I guess.
I made a stupid joke today about the thing she said couple of weeks ago about the kiss. That upset her I guess. I tried to comfort her but I so failed. Now I'm sorry and yes, I have some guilt, too, but if I knew that she was serious I would never joke with her.
____________
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:09 PM |
|
|
You have to understand that it's diffcult to give you advice without knowing how you really are in rl and how you joke about things. And it's difficult to evaluate how people should take your jokes if I/we don't know how your group takes your jokes or how used they are to them. But stuff like:
Quote:
We were four girl that night (no one was drunk) but we were all a little bit sad so I started making jokes like "let's make out, let's do something crazy" and that kind of stuff but nothing happened and no one thought that I was serious.
just might suggest that JJ has a point. It may be a joke but you know... they just might pick you up on that.
But if you say that noone thought you were serious and that they know you were joking I still hold firm to my points.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
evinin
Supreme Hero
Servant of Asha
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:14 PM |
|
|
These people joke with me, I joke with them, we act lesby sometimes in order to annoy someone but we are all hetero and we know that (or at least that was what I thought). I hope that it's a misunderstanding. I'll write again here when things go somewhere - in a bad or in a good way. She is a very close friend of mine and I don't want to loose her but if she really likes me more than it's ok - I don't know if I can handle the idea of it.
____________
|
|
JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:17 PM |
|
|
Quote:
And while I believe you have a point JJ that all the joking stuff also is fun because of the possibility that it's not all just fun and games someday I don't think it's binding.
Azzie, I think you are wrong there.
You can't say, "hey, let's do something crazy, let's kiss", and then, when someone says, "Could be fun, why not?", and comes to you, you just CANNOT say, "Wait, it was a joke, snow off".
Or, more correctly, you CAN of course say it - but you have to be prepared that people will not be pleased about it, and rightly so.
That's why I said, you should never bluff completely, because you MUST be prepared that your bluff is called and you will have to make at least a couple of steps into the direction you bluffed to show that it WAS NO bluff. Or if you do not like the word "bluff" you can say "empty talk".
That is, if you want people to believe and trust you and not at least think about you that you are just talking.
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:19 PM |
|
|
Well just be sure she really wants you that way... and even if she does I'm sure you'll be able to handle it. You know this person, you're really close and if she has feelings for you that doesn't make her any different that before she's still the same person. Get the idea of "not being able to handle it" out of your head because you'll only make this more complicated for yourself. Not to mention that I'm sure you're capable of handling it if you calm down a bit... it just seems scary and confusing now. But just talk to her when the time comes.
You're close friends you'll be able to talk about it.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:20 PM |
|
|
Quote:
You have to understand that it's diffcult to give you advice without knowing how you really are in rl and how you joke about things. And it's difficult to evaluate how people should take your jokes if I/we don't know how your group takes your jokes or how used they are to them. But stuff like:
Quote:
We were four girl that night (no one was drunk) but we were all a little bit sad so I started making jokes like "let's make out, let's do something crazy" and that kind of stuff but nothing happened and no one thought that I was serious.
just might suggest that JJ has a point. It may be a joke but you know... they just might pick you up on that.
But if you say that noone thought you were serious and that they know you were joking I still hold firm to my points.
But don't we KNOW already that someone took it serious?
|
|
evinin
Supreme Hero
Servant of Asha
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:23 PM |
|
Edited by evinin at 15:34, 19 May 2011.
|
JJ, about the empty talks and stuff - these girls that I talk about and I do it very often and it's a lot of fun and so and I never thought that it may be a problem for anyone of them and it hasn't been. When I said it they were all "are you mad/drunk???" etc. And then we laughed about it. A couple of days after that she said to me "I want to kiss you" and I was like "yeah, sure, I also want to kiss myself". We made jokes like this, I didn't realize to the very end that for her it was not a complete joke. That's why I say that I have guilt about the situation.
Edit: And also she knows me and she knows that I'm joking. I think that she only doesn't want me to joke about it, I think that she wants my words to be true.
Edit 2: **** I so messed up this time... When she stopped writing to me I continued and she wasn't really there and her mother read all the stuff and know... Well, yes, the girl is demonically mad at me.
____________
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:37 PM |
|
|
Quote:
But don't we KNOW already that someone took it serious?
My point was that she had no reason whatsoever to that point to believe anyone would take it more serious than usual. If she'd made these jokes knowing her friend was interested it'd be a different story.
And Evinin have you ever considered JJs idea that your friend actually just wants to try something out? I mean it takes no small ammount of courage to come up to you and just straight out go "I want to kiss you" and she obviously comes to you because she trusts you. The fact that you may have suggested to be open to stuff like that may indeed be an missunderstanding on her part but maybe just maybe one you can't entirely blame her for. That may not be in line with what I said earlier but you know... I have more info now.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:40 PM |
|
Edited by Azagal at 15:41, 19 May 2011.
|
Well her mother shouldn't be reading whatever you wrote to her on. Be it skype or her mobile parents just should respect their childs privacy. I mean wtf? She should be mad at her mom for reading that.
And uhh... well not sure what you wrote but is it impossible to still rescue the situation? As to not make the mom think her daugther is a raging homosexual (not that there'd be something wrong with that but parents have the habit of jumping to conclusions and apparently you friend isn't even sure herself). I mean I'd always advocate talking to your parents but you know only if you want to, not have them jump to conclusions without them having all the info.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
evinin
Supreme Hero
Servant of Asha
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:43 PM |
|
|
I just screwed up. And that's it. Thank you guys for being honest and so. Too much stuff is happening to me this days and I just made it worse.
____________
|
|
JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 03:48 PM |
|
|
Yeah, well, that's why I said life is overtaking you.
Never talk COMPLETELY empty - no matter who does. You know the social acceptance of politicians, and you probably know what that is, so take this as a lesson.
You now have the task to make things alright again, and all I said is, that it may well be, that words will not be enough to repair.
In my opinion and experience, while it may GENERALLY be enough, if something went wrong, to apologize and assure and promise it will not happen again, for obvious reasons, if the problem is "empty talk", promises and assurances are not what they were before the situation.
That's why you should be prepared to bite the bullet and stick to your word, at least as far as you can possibly go, because it will demonstrate something to your friend, in fact it will demonstrate a couple of things.
First and foremost, it will demonstrate to her, that she can COUNT ON YOUR WORD, whatever it is. It will also demonstrate to her that your friendship means a lot to you.
And it will teach you to be a bit more careful with what you say and joke about. 
Sorry, if this sounds so earnest and harsh - it's not meant to be. It's just one of those situations where a little hurt may save you a lot of it later, something which Calvin's (the Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes cartoon) Dad would call "character-building".
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 04:03 PM |
|
|
I still think you're overstating the meaning of a joke.
Quote:
Never talk COMPLETELY empty - no matter who does. You know the social acceptance of politicians, and you probably know what that is, so take this as a lesson.
Politicans make promises you have every right to hold them to later because usually it's why you vote for them. You give them something it advance and then exspect your reward.
But turning things arround and say that someone has made a promise or by saying X she has definetly suggested that Y just isn't reasonable.
You see there is no faulting the principal of what you're saying that you should back what you say up when needed to and that then not being able to deliver is a reason for people be disappointed but the point is that this only applies when people have a reason to believe you're sincere about what you say. You can't hold people responsabil (I spell that word differently everytime lol) for the implied meaning of a joke they made. A joke may warrant that you look into the topic just to see whether the person may actually be serious but it doesn't allow for people to ask you to live up to what you've joked about.
If the situation is different and the words do mean more I'll always agree with you JJ but not when a Joke is concerned.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
Corribus
Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 04:08 PM |
|
|
I'm with Doomforge. I don't like it when people try to emotionally manipulate me. I'd ignore it and give this person time to think about what she wants. You'll also be giving her a message about what you're willing to tolerate in a friendship. If you go begging for her to come back and be your friend, she'll know exactly how to manipulate you in the future.
I do speak with some experience here. You have to show people that if they want to have a social relationship with you, there are certain boundaries and rules that must be followed. Best you define them early on. It's much harder to break habits later.
|
|
Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 04:12 PM |
|
|
That may be right but if they're close friends isn't it better to assume that her friend isn't trying to manipulate her and is geniuely confused/conflicted about this? Ergo talking to her is the best solution. Simply talking to someone doesn't mean you have to desperately come crawling to them begging for forgiveness when you've done nothing wrong.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
|
|
Corribus
Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 04:20 PM |
|
|
Quote:
That may be right but if they're close friends isn't it better to assume that her friend isn't trying to manipulate her and is geniuely confused/conflicted about this? Ergo talking to her is the best solution. Simply talking to someone doesn't mean you have to desperately come crawling to them begging for forgiveness when you've done nothing wrong.
Yes, that's true. But as I understand it Evinin already made an attempt at communication, and it was turned down. Her friend may not be intentionally trying to manipulate her, and even if she is, it may not be malicious. Even so, I see no need for Evinin to hand her friend a road-map of how to intentionally manipulate her (Evinin) in the future.
Frankly, it sounds to me like her friend is being selfish. Or maybe her pride is wounded. Or whatever. Doesn't matter - either way it's best to take an active role in clearly defining relationships so that you get as much as you want from them. If you let someone else determine the terms of a relationship, then you're going to have to live with those terms, and changing them later is very hard.
Evinin DOES have to make her terms clear. Outright ignoring her friend is probably not the best way to do that, because a lot can be read into vacuous silence. So IMO Evinin should contact her friend one more time, tell how she feels, and make it clear that the ball is in her friend's court. That way Evinin's silence can't be mistaken for anger or contempt or something else that can be used as emotional leverage in the future.
Make no mistake, people. Relationships are very much like long, protracted wars. All of Sun Tzu's principles apply.
|
|
JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted May 19, 2011 04:32 PM |
|
|
Quote:
Make no mistake, people. Relationships are very much like long, protracted wars. All of Sun Tzu's principles apply.
I disagree.
Anyway - are we really talking about the same thing here? "Sometimes I feel a little lesby" doesn't sound like things were so clear. Nor do I have any idea how "jokes", "sometimes feeling a little lesby" and "I thought everyone knew it was a joke" fit together.
I also don't think it has something to do with manipulation. At least I don't see it.
|
| |
|
|
