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| Thread: Online dating |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · NEXT» |
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Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
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posted February 23, 2015 05:49 PM |
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Online dating
This is meant to be a word of advice towards all poor single nerds who actually think going online may be a decent idea and a chance to overcome their shyness: don't.
Before I go any further into the subject, let's get some obvious things out of the way: I am aware that several people have met their partners online and that it actually worked, some of them are even on HC. I also am aware of the cultural differences; what works for Pooland may be entirely different for your country. Especially if it's a normal country, like the States. Finally, this is only valid for men looking for women, not vice versa (or homo). So... it's not necessarily a point of view that applies to your situation. But heck, I'm going to write it down anyway.
In general, by "Online" I mean various dating sites (so not ie. meeting someone on a discussion board).
Back to the point... anyway, I have quite a bit of experience on the subject and quite a bit of friends who have tried that form of meeting people as well. And let me tell you, it's mostly a big, fat failure. Why? Several reasons:
1. Culturally, it's men that initiate the relationship, not women. So most of the girls on various dating portals never ever bother to look for anyone. They just throw their photos and wait. A lot of them doesn't even bother to put a meaningful description of their own personality. Unlike men! Due to massive competition, they have to sell their "features", and some are really good at it. In a way, it's harder than in real life: there are no photoshoped pics there, at least.
2. A lot of the women on such sites don't treat the thing seriously. They just want ego boost; adoration. Because they mostly don't get it in real life (usually because they are either average, or boring - or both), they seek to boost their ego online. It works; shy/desperate men populate those sites in numbers and will try with every possible women, even by ctrl+c ctrl+v "initiation" messages en masse. If you see a profile of a girl that puts a ton of different pictures, it's very probable that she's just massaging her ego and will not respond at all. If you don't believe me, make a fake woman profile on a dating site (with a random half-decent photo) and then do the same for a guy's profile. The difference in message amount will be a couple hundred % of difference, trust me.
3. A lot of girls on such portals - if they are not for ego boost - are there for a good reason: a critical flaw that turns off men around them. It's hard to spot online and it's usually something pretty nasty - hygiene issues, bad breath, really bad posture, and so on. Especially bad breath is the issue, at least at my country - no wonder those girls (sometimes even decently attractive) can't find anyone @_@ Too bad that the only way to check for it is to actually meet with such a person, usually after some amount of time wasted on getting to know the person online.
4. Finally,even if there is no "organic" repellent, there's usually a character flaw that makes things pretty impossible. Either it's impossible standards, or - even worse - some kind of emotional screwup, machiavelism or other severe issue that will totally ruin your chances anyway. The most beautiful and interesting woman I've ever met online turned out to be a complete psychopath, incapable of feeling empathy and faking every gesture.
To sum up; If you're a lonely nerd, just do yourself a favor and try in real life or something. Online, you will meet massive competition, a lot of ego boosting, and the fraction of the girls that will be willing to meet you has high probability of having something that will totally discourage you from pursuing the relationship. While it feels it's the easy way out of being shy, let me tell you: it's pretty damn hard.
So don't.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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The_Polyglot
Promising
Supreme Hero
channeling capybara energy
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posted February 23, 2015 06:53 PM |
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Tried it, fell flat. Waste of time. 
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Friend-shaped
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Ghost
Undefeatable Hero
Therefore I am
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posted February 23, 2015 07:16 PM |
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I don't know what I write now. I'm not guy but only the writer. One example for old letter: "I got (X), which were written address. (X) probably writes, but she told me the letter. I hope you do not like me intrude, but I also think it would be nice to start to write with you. I have been (XX), and I would like to exchange ideas with you, for example. (XX) and the other contributions, of course. (XX) girl and live in the (XX). I got (XX). Well, it was the official beginning: other: I have (XX). I thought ok, I wrote without (XX), it was enough to well, she didn't ask me, but asked tell about (XX). I don't know, maybe shock or completed normally. Whatever the chat etc I wrote the guy style. Also means a bad event! Sometimes I asking for sex. "I have a boyfriend" Oh by the way, but write the same as I do. It's not my life that of the text and life. That's why I can't be the same. This is the virtual reality. I just want to know..also like my mother's friend said just talk in the letter. She live in America  Now no longer also www. Don't have think about the possibilty. Maybe I didn't need to say the last
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Fauch
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted February 23, 2015 07:38 PM |
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Edited by Fauch at 19:48, 23 Feb 2015.
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well, most people seem more interested in having a hord of followers than in building relationships these days.
now, I spent just a little bit of time on dating sites, and the first obstacle is to get a girl to answer you, because as you said, not only most of them will not answer, but even finding actual girls is difficult, most of the profiles you find seem to have been inactive for a while, or the girl only comes online once in a blue moon, and when someone actually answer, there is still the risk it may be a scammer...
so yeah, you must have dozens of profiles for each actual real girl who is active on the site...
also, if a girl is really into you... it's a scammer.
well to be fair, I actually got contacted by one girl who is real and seemed decent and nice on one of those sites. only problem, she lives in Madagascar, so I'm not sure what she expected...
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Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted February 23, 2015 07:55 PM |
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My philosophy is to just find out your own interests and role in life and follow it, it's inevitable that you'll come across someone that you can be with.
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"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness." Jenny
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Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
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posted February 23, 2015 08:22 PM |
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Tsar-Ivor said:
My philosophy is to just find out your own interests and role in life and follow it, it's inevitable that you'll come across someone that you can be with.
That would work if both sexes were evenly distributed among hobbies. But they aren't, so it doesn't work.
Short example: gaming. Even pretty average nerdy chicks have a HUGE cult following them. That's because they are so rare in a men-dominated environment. Most of them have so much fans and butt kissers that they are permanently spoiled and consider themselves goddesses. Good luck getting such a person interested in you, even though you share interests and would be technically compatible.
The good old "go outside" works better than that. Sadly.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted February 23, 2015 08:57 PM |
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Quote:
That would work if both sexes were evenly distributed among hobbies
I didn't necessarily mean that you should meet people that share the same interets/hobbies. What I meant was that this is how I meet girls and other people really, I simply go out and do the things I love, and 'meeting girls' is a byproduct of that, as opposed to solely going out to find girls. Once you cut out the desperation element and shift the focus, you can start enjoying yourself, and others will enjoy being around you.
Imho.
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"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness." Jenny
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Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
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posted February 23, 2015 09:03 PM |
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Tsar-Ivor said:
Quote:
That would work if both sexes were evenly distributed among hobbies
I didn't necessarily mean that you should meet people that share the same interets/hobbies. What I meant was that this is how I meet girls and other people really, I simply go out and do the things I love, and 'meeting girls' is a byproduct of that, as opposed to solely going out to find girls. Once you cut out the desperation element and shift the focus, you can start enjoying yourself, and others will enjoy being around you.
Imho.
With that, I agree.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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Nitramar
Adventuring Hero
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posted February 23, 2015 10:21 PM |
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Edited by Nitramar at 22:26, 23 Feb 2015.
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I'd like to believe that "just do what you like to do and you'll eventually meet someone" theory but after following that advice all my life with no success I feel sceptical. I guess it might work if you are into some very social activities and/or are generally of the outgoing kind, but for shy and insecure people who prefer being around just one or two good friends at a time it really doesn't help.
Probably the best (well, let's say the most reliable) way to meet someone would be through school or work, where you are bound to have to talk to someone and maybe even meet the same people every day/week/whatever. But even this can be hopeless if you study technology or some other male-dominated field (only 10 to 20 percent of students at my university are females and because of this ratio most of them are bound to already have a boyfriend).
Other than that, I don't have a clue. This is a country (Finland) where you just don't talk to strangers without some alcohol involved, which is convenient for me as I don't drink. So obviously it feels silly hanging around in pubs or bars, for example. I also feel very awkward and uncomfortable at parties, not only because of my non-drinking, but because I just don't like any part of being in a loud open environment surrounded by people I don't know while being forced to pretend to be enjoying myself. Somehow all of this is making online dating seem more attractive.
So, I have given online dating a few thoughts over the past two years but I never started it because I suspected that it would be exactly as DF described. A few times I checked out some Finnish dating sites and it seemed quite bad. About half of the women had no picture or no description, what a waste of time. But the worse part to me was the "browsing" and how it made me feel. Just anonymously scrolling a list of women and for each one thinking stuff like "nope, unattractive", "nah, too boring", "whaat, recently divorced single mom at age 19?!, pass"... I found myself criticizing random people I'd never met. It just felt wrong, almost immoral, somehow like breaking into a kiosk to read all the magazines without having to buy anything, and then complaining how bad all the magazines were.
So I don't know. I've just tried to accept that I might never find anyone, and to stop worrying about it. Otherwise I'd mostly have almost no problem with that, but it's just annoying that I can't even turn on the TV or open a newspaper without having to see something that's either directly or indirectly carrying a message of how important and necessary love and/or sex apparently is. The less I think about it, the better I feel, too bad it's made impossible not to think about it.
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Fauch
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted February 23, 2015 11:30 PM |
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the browsing part is weird, feels like you are in a supermarket, browsing through a list of products, it really doesn't feel like you are going to build relationships. also that makes us terribly picky, when in reality a very average girl could very well make us happy.
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Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 12:42 AM |
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@Nitramar: You could try stuff like Manga/Anime conventions, and paper&pen RPG clubs. I think this is the best source of possible contacts for not-very-social people.
But yeah, trying online does have that "browsing" feeling. And the issue is that what you browse through is - let's be honest - deeply average. It's not to offend anyone; it's just that it's obvious that those people, as interesting as they may be (or not) are there for a reason and looking at their pics/reading their profile information, you can (with some experience) quickly pin-point that reason.
And sadly, it's rarely anything other than I described. It's either a search for "rebound" relationship after a breakup, ego massage, desperation, trolling, pure curiosity or mental problems. And all of those spells FAIL from the very beginning.
After countless romantic encounters of my life, all I can say to all less experienced people is: avoid those places at all costs.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted February 24, 2015 12:55 AM |
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Edited by JoonasTo at 00:55, 24 Feb 2015.
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If there's one place where you couldn't get a date, it's on online dating websites.
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted February 24, 2015 12:57 AM |
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Quote:
which is convenient for me as I don't drink
You can't have both the cake and eat it. Seems to me like you should start drinking.
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"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness." Jenny
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Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 01:22 AM |
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JoonasTo said:
If there's one place where you couldn't get a date, it's on online dating websites.
Words of wisdom...
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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TDL
Honorable
Supreme Hero
The weak suffer. I endure.
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posted February 24, 2015 04:11 AM |
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Edited by TDL at 04:13, 24 Feb 2015.
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I'm at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to seeing dating or having someone as a soulmate as a basic human necessity, while being closely similar to what Nitramar said. I have never given any thought about trying online dating (as in I have never thought I should do this) as I think things like these work out on their own, even with all the personality drawbacks. If it doesn't, it doesn't, and it probably should stay that way. Forcing yourself/someone into a relationship is just purely wrong and will only hurt either side in the long run. I just do not think it is a basic necessity - more of a social pressure kind of thing.
I also think that there is one other thing in play here, at least in my book. In order to secure a relationship or even a one-night stand/several dates, you have to be ready to have something to give the other person in return, as in quid pro quo. I swore to myself back in school I would never date or think about dating/love until after I found stable ground, and have something to provide the other person with, be it emotionally, financially or physically. Maybe this ended up more of a curse as I turned down options early, but my resolve somewhat strengthened over time because I realised how flawed most relationships are and in order to have them work, you have to put in the hours and, again, give smth in return. If you are a selfish snow like I am, you'd probably see things similarly and why even bothering isn't worthwhile.
Thing is, in online dating, you have absolutely 0 info, 0 preparation and 0 chance to know whether any of the above actually has any true merit. So you will literally throw yourself into a vortex of uncertainty which you strive to stave off and will never be sure at any step if you actually contributed in any way or not.
This probably doesn't exactly fit the bill in this thread, but it felt interesting to read someone feel/experience somewhat similar so I just gave my 2 cents.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 04:17 AM |
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As someone who has an active account on OKCupid, I can confidently say that most of the opening post doesn't apply at least to that site. It's true that men are expected to initiate, and thus tend to do more of the work in starting a relationship, it's not true that women do nothing. I'm not exceptional in either wealth or attractiveness, and I've had women visit my profile and take initiative in messaging me. And most of the women that are matched highly with me have clearly put in some effort into their profiles - they doesn't stand or fall by their photos, far from it.
If you're not getting good matches, you may be using the wrong website, or live in a bad area, or, quite possibly, judged by the website to not be compatible with higher-quality people.
I don't get the hate. Dating websites are useful and getting a date isn't that hard as long as you're not old, boring, or a terrible person.
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Eccentric Opinion
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Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 10:31 AM |
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You misunderstood me mvass. It's not just about getting someone who matches your expectations. It's also about facing what forced the person into online dating in the first place. and that becomes known after meeting IRL, which means wasting some time chatting with the person before that.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 10:42 AM |
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You people must stop judging things to be either great or a complete waste of time. Most things don't work out for everyone, but just for some; just because something worked for some and doesn't have to for everyone, and just becauseit doesn't work for you it's not necessarily a waste of time for everyone else.
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Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 10:59 AM |
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Some things are like trying to break a board with your forehead. You can do it. You can get .. errr.. satisfaction from it. But why would you want to?
In the end, things are about efficiency. If you're trying to meet an interesting person, online dating is... pretty inefficient.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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Galaad
Hero of Order
Li mort as morz, li vif as vis
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posted February 24, 2015 11:06 AM |
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Edited by Galaad at 11:08, 24 Feb 2015.
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I never tried online dating, but I have a friend who will get married from there, and another one who got already two relationships this way.
I should specify, is a french website, if I understood correctly, where guys can only register and make a profile but cannot view or contact girls. So basically the website is for girls looking for men.
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