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| Thread: For Fun |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · NEXT» |
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Maniac
Disgraceful
Famous Hero
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posted April 12, 2002 07:53 PM |
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For Fun
Write your jokes here (please no $hit or off topic discussions here) :
This guy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist where the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4. The man comes back in a few minutes with some toilet paper and some cotton balls. The pharmacist asks the man, "Excuse me, it's none of my business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come to me with toilet paper and cotton balls. Why?" The man responds: "Well, last night I sent the old lady to the store for a carton of cigarettes, and she brought me a tin of tobacco and some papers. Tonight, she can roll her own!"
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted April 12, 2002 09:31 PM |
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This is one for Woock..
A guy called Bill runs a pub. Business is slow for him, and in the end, he is reduced to only one customer.. a man who comes in every friday for a drink.
On friday Bill says to his only customer "I'm sorry, but I have to close the pub"
"why?" asks the customer "It's such a nice place"
"I don't get any business... 'cept you" Explains Bill
"Ah" says the customer "You're in luck then! I run an entertainment company and for just £200 I can get you a dancing chicken.. it'll pull the crowds no trouble!! And if it doesn't work, you get your money back... I'll bring it down tomorrow"
The next day, the man from the entertainment company comes in with a chicken under one arm and a buscuit tin under the other. He sets the tin down and puts the chicken on it.. the chicken starts to tapdance 'rat-tat-tat-tat-tat'. Bill thinks this is great and advertises like crazy 'Tonight:- DANCING CHICKEN'!! Sure enough, business booms!
Three weeks later however, Bill phones the man at the entertainment company.
"Oh dear" Says the man from the entertainment company "didn't it work?"
"Oh yes" said Bill "But i can't get it to stop!! It's going 'rat-tat-tat-tat-tat' 24/7 and I hven't had a wink of sleep"
"Oh no!" Says the man from the entertainment company "I forgot.. to make it stop, lift of the lid of the tin..."
"Yes?" Says Bill
"And blow out the candle..."
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 Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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arachnid
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted April 13, 2002 12:05 AM |
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A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.
A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: "WANTED. Husband that won't beat me or kick me. "Good sex a must."
A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.
"Well, you don't have any arms." she notices. "I can't beat you then, can I?" he replies.
"And you don't have any legs!" "SO! That only means I can't kick you."
She pauses for a moment and then asks, "Well what about the sex?" He answers confidently,
"How do you think I knocked on the door
hmm some blond jokes :
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when they came accross some tracks. "They're rabbit tracks," said one. "No, they're deer tracks," said the other. The argued about it, and finally decided to follow them to see who was right. fifteen minutes later they were hit by a train.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
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Maniac
Disgraceful
Famous Hero
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posted April 13, 2002 12:32 AM |
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A man bought a vintage Harley Davidson one day. The guy he bought it off gave him a large tub of vaseline and said "Make sure that whenever it rains, use vaseline to protect the bike from the water." The buyer thanks the man, and drives off.
The man decides to go take his girlfriend for a spin on his new bike. Afterwards, she suggested that he come back to her house for dinner. As he walks in the door, he notices that there are dirty dishes, pots, pans and cups everywhere. He thinks it's a little weird, but doesn't say anything about it.
The family sits down to dinner and says "Remember, first one to speak has to wash the dishes." The man thinks "Wow, this is interesting. Certainly explains all the dirty crap around the house."
Being a bit of a dirty bastard, the man leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says anything. He thens leans over, and feels her tits. No one says anything. Then, he picked her up, put her on the table, and screwed her. No one said anything. The guy decides to take this to the next level. He repeats the process with his girlfriends mother. First he kisses her, then he feels her, then he picks her up and screws her on the table. Still, no one says anything.
Suddenly, it starts to rain. The guy notices this through one of the windows in the dining room and thinks "snow, my new bike! Gotta go cover it in vaseline then." He pulls out the tub of vaseline. The fathers eyes nearly pop out of his head. Choking on his food he says "Alright, alright! I'll do the snowing dishes!"
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Maniac
Disgraceful
Famous Hero
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posted April 13, 2002 10:24 PM |
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And so I am ignored again.
Back to the topic:
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and
some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain.
You'll derive from these, great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough of a
blood supply to work one at a time."
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Genevieve
Tavern Dweller
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posted April 14, 2002 04:22 AM |
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Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the snow. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
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RainBow
Known Hero
Supreme Flirt & Cyber Gypsy
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posted April 14, 2002 05:42 AM |
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Husband: I want to make love to you badly
Wife: Well you have already succeeded.
Why did the koalo fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the tree fall over?
The Koalo forgot to let go.........
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If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
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aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted April 14, 2002 07:29 AM |
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Bird: how come the water is too bright
Bee:how come the hill wont roll
magazine:I wonder when the sun will fall
Pilot when are we going to sail again
baby:So when do I get my graded a beef
Plate:when will the cat fly
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Dreaming of a Better World
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Maniac
Disgraceful
Famous Hero
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posted April 14, 2002 10:20 AM |
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Good one Genevieve
So there's a guy, and he decides (for reasons of his own) to have his girlfriend Wendy's name tattooed onto, of all places, his penis. Now, when it's hard the whole word is visible - but the rest of the time, all that one can read is the W and the Y.
Well one day he goes to a public bathroom, and as he's using the urinal a jamaican guy wanders in and takes the other urinal. Glancing over the divider, he notices the Jamaican also has the letters W and Y tattoed to his penis. "Is your girlfreind also named Wendy?" he asks.
"No mon. Mine says, Welcome to Yamaica."
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted April 14, 2002 12:28 PM |
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Q: Why aren't men religious?
A: They don't understand the concept of a second coming 
Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: One. he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: Why aren't blondes allowed teabreaks at work?
A: It takes to long to retrain them
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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rychenroller
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted April 14, 2002 01:34 PM |
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Man walks into the doctors office with a frog on his head
Doctor says "so whats wrong with you?"
Frog says "I started with a bump on my ass"
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Myctteakyshd
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Maniac
Disgraceful
Famous Hero
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posted April 14, 2002 01:52 PM |
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This guy, tired of his corporate everyday life, decides to go to work in Alaska on the fishing boats.
On one of his week-long furloughs, he goes down to the bar to let off some steam. As he sits there drinking his beer, he notices that there aren't any women around.
"Hey, bartender. Where are all the women at?" he asked.
"They all left," the bartender answered. "They said something about us all smelling like fish or something..."
"Huh, we smell like fish... If there's no women around, then what do you guys do for fun around here?" he asked.
"Well... Go out the door there and you'll notice a little path that leads around back. It'll lead you up the hill a little ways, and there you'll find a barrel. Just unzip it, and stick it in the knothole. Enjoy."
After finishing his beer, the guy takes the bartenders advice. About half an hour later, he strolls back into the bar and plops down on his stool.
"So what do you think?" the bartender asked.
"It was great! Best feeling I've had in looong time. Thanks."
"So you liked it, then? Good, I'm glad." said the bartender as he poured him another beer.
"I liked it? Hell no, I loved it! I'm going there everyday!" said the guy, taking his beer from the bartender.
"Well... not on Thursdays."
"Huh? Why not on Thursdays?" the man asked.
"Because that's your day in the barrel."
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Sir_Stiven
Honorable
Legendary Hero
banned
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posted April 14, 2002 03:49 PM |
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wow a joke thread...ok my best joke...hmmm...i yeah i have one:
Chelsea will go to champions league this year....LOOOOL
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"Youre zeroes and ones, youre wrong where im right"
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Genevieve
Tavern Dweller
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posted April 14, 2002 05:02 PM |
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
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Maniac
Disgraceful
Famous Hero
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posted April 14, 2002 08:35 PM |
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 good one again Genevieve
A man walked to a bar and headed straight to the bartender:
"A double whisky!". The bartender gave the man a double whisky and the man poured it down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was a good at parking! Bartender, give me another!"
The bartender gave that fellow another double whisky and the guy poured that one down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was a good at parking! Bartender, give me another!"
The bartender became a bit curious, but gave the man the whisky he ordered.
And again the man poured the whisky straight down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was good at parking! Bartender, give me another!"
Now the bartender couldn't resist anymore and asked what was wrong and poured the man another double whisky.
The man was a bit restless and began telling "I was there down the road trying to park my 18 wheeler truck. It was a tight spot and I had a bit difficulties in getting it right. As I was trying to get my truck in the proper space, I blocked first one lane of the road and then a little later another lane. So the road was completely blocked. The man in a minivan behind my truck began to honk his horn, which made me even more nervous and my parking became even more difficult...
Then that driver began showing me his middle finger, which I of course responded. Finally that minivan driver lost his temper and came to my truck, pulled the door open and yelled "How in the world have you ever gotten a licence to drive a big truck, when you can't even park it right!!!"
Well, I became angry myself and replied "If you think you are that good at parking a big truck, why don't you come and try for yourself. If you manage to park this truck with one try, I'll give you a blowjob!""
After telling that story, the man poured a whisky down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was good at parking..."
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted April 15, 2002 05:11 PM |
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What do doctors say: It could be one of several things.
What the mean: I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you.
Say: Are you sure you didn't have this before?
Mean: Because you've got it again.
Say: I'd like to run that test again.
Mean: The lab lost your blood sample.
S: Insurance should cover most of this.
M: You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest.
S: These pills have very few side effects.
M: You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms.
S: Why don't you go over your symptoms with me one more time.
M: I can't remember who you are.
S: There's a lot of this going around.
M: And we'll give it a name as soon as we figure out what it is.
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Yolk and God bless.
---
My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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Maniac
Disgraceful
Famous Hero
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posted April 15, 2002 06:05 PM |
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A guy is driving cross-country. In a small town, he stops at a bar for a beer. Inside, the bar is empty except for the barman, behind the bar, and a gorilla, sitting on one of the customer stools and nursing a beer.
The guy sits down at the bar and orders a beer. As he sips it, he can't help but ask the bartender, "Why is there a gorilla sitting at the end of the bar?"
"Well", says the bartender, "that gorilla comes in handy on slow days. Watch this."
With that the bartender pulls a cricket bat from behind the bar, walks over to the gorilla, and smacks it over the head as hard as he can with the bat.
The gorilla falls to the floor, then regains its feet, lumbers behind the bar, and performs blowjob on the barman.
When the barman is finished, he pushes the gorilla away. The gorilla returns to its stool and drinks some beer. The barman walks back to the stranger.
"So, what do you think of that?"
"That's amazing!" says the stranger.
"Yep." says the bartender. "Hey, you wanna give it a try?"
"Well, okay", says the stranger. "But don't hit me as hard as you did the gorilla."
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Conn
Responsible
Famous Hero
God slayer
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posted April 15, 2002 11:08 PM |
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At the entrance to heaven, two man stand behind St. Peter. The first one is a priest, the other one, a taxi driver in New York. St. Peter talk to the priest:
" My son, how have you spent your life?"
" I feasted every day, prayed for world peace and a soullution to stop world hunger. And i held services every day."
"Good. Now, you." turns to the cab driver
"Me? Sweared alot, didn't go to curch one single day"
St. Peter thinks for a minute and tells the two:
"The taxi driver can enter. You priest, will have to spend 10 years in Purgatory to atone for your sins"
"But...St. Peter, how come?" asks the priest, stunned.
"You see my son, we work here based on the rate of efficency. While you were preaching, everyone was asleep. While he was driving, everyone was praying..."
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 Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted April 15, 2002 11:15 PM |
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David Beckham and his wife, Victoria
are getting in a cab from the airport.
"Hello mr beckham" says the cabbie "where have you just been?"
"Australia" says Beckham
"Really? Said the Cabbie "Which city?"
"Oooh, I've forgotten.. what's that city?" says Beckham
"Canberra?" suggests the cabbie "sydney, Victoria..?"
"Yeah, that's the one!" say Beckham. He turns to his wife "Victoria, where did we stay again?"
____________
Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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Lord_Echo
Famous Hero
Ranger of the good
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posted April 15, 2002 11:21 PM |
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....... huh?
i dident het it.... but u want jokes!??!?! huh huh! here u have jokes LOTS of them!!!!
-*-*-
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".
-*-*-
Fra en Folketingsdebatt, 16. november 1999.
Dette er klippet direkte fra Folketingets behandling av Forslag til lov om
biblioteksvirksomhed:
Aase D. Madsen (Dansk Folkeparti): Med hensyn til, hvem der bruger
bibliotekerne, vil jeg sige, at jeg står her med en opgørelse,
som Kulturministeriet selv har lavet, og den viser altså, at ca. 66 pct. af
den danske befolkning aldrig nogen sinde bruger
bibliotekerne.
Kulturministeren (Elsebeth Gerner Nielsen): Og det er heller ikke rigtigt, at
66 pct. af danskerne aldrig kommer på biblioteket. Det er sådan, at omkring
70 pct. af danskerne bruger biblioteket med jævne mellemrum.
Aase D. Madsen (Dansk Folkeparti): --- jeg står her med en udskrift fra en
kilde --- som ministeren selv har udgivet. ---- og dér står, at 39 pct. af
den mandlige del af befolkningen aldrig kommer på bibliotekerne, og at 30
pct. af den kvindelige del af befolkningen, altså fordelt gennemsnitligt over
alder, aldrig kommer der. Og når jeg lægger mænd og kvinder sammen --- så
giver 39 pct. af mændene og 30 pct. af kvinderne befolkningen tilsammen, og
det må være 69 pct. Tager jeg fejl?
Kulturministeren (Elsebeth Gerner Nielsen): Vi skal nok ikke begynde at
undervise hinanden i den store regnekunst her.
-*-*-
What a woman says and what a man hears:
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is
lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do
laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
-*-*-
Dieselmannen er en skikkelse de færreste har sett, men de fleste har
vært i kontakt med ham på en eller annen måte. Enkelte hevder at det er
flere dieselmenn, men dette er ikke bekreftet. Usikre kilder påstår også at
detfinnes dieselkvinner, men ikke i vår del av verden.
Dette er dieselmannens fremgangsmetode:
Etter at du har lagt deg etter en normal, fuktig kveld på byen,og aner
fred og ingen fare, kommer han listende. Han har som vanlig med seg det han
trenger, og som har blitt hans varemerke: hammer, småpenger og 1/2l.
diesel.
Først tar han alle klærne du har brettet pent sammen, og slenger dem
utover.
Deretter lukker han igjen vinduet ditt, og tar på deg skoene igjen. Så
tar han alle sedlene dine og bytter dem i småmynt, slår deg i hodet med
hammeren, og heller dieselen ned i halsen på deg. Hvis du ikke har
kommet alene hjem denne kvelden, men har med deg et helt eller delvis ukjent
individ av motsatt kjønn, bytter han denne ut med et mindre skjønt
eksemplar av arten, og får vedkommende til å snakke Bergens eller Trondheims
dialekt om morgenen. Pass opp! Han er kjent for å komme tilbake på de minst
uventede tidspunkt, og det hjelper ikke å gjemme seg! Skulle du våkne
om morgenen og erfare at han har vært innom, eller hvis du observerer
dette ufyselige vesenet, vennligst meld dette til nærmeste vannverk.
-*-*-
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a
little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table
where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body
and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring
this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his
surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait
to get on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the
cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the
student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at
this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he
pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't
wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with
the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing
you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any snow can sing
country music."
-*-*-
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club." One of
my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $100 note. The "dancer"
came over to us, and my friend licked the $100 note and put it on her
butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $1000 note. He calls the
girl back over, licks the $1000 note, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the
attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my
wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over.
I got out my Credit card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed
the $1100, and went home.
-*-*-
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his
order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch
it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch
and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When
he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse
in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had
just eaten backinto the bowl.
"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.
-*-*-
There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through
the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out
of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to start,
they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a
bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her,
and the blonde takes the car door.
They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest.
At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead
and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in
case I get hungry I'll have something to eat."
They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead
and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided
to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got
thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's
a good idea, too.
Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and
ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies,
"Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."
-*-*-
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a
hotel in Japan, which was recorded and published in the Far East
Economic Review.....
(Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while
after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997")
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-sevice"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes,an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
-*-*-
Linda Something, 23, a resident of San Diego was visiting her
inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while
became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she
was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the
head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister
had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When
she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought
it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her
brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
-*-*-
Det er den sanne historien om Adam og Eva. Det var faktisk slik at Adam
var ganske dårlig i senga, og Eva var lei og ville finne noe bedre.
Så hun gikk ut i naturen og søkte lykken.
Først tenkte hun at dinosaurene, jo, de var store og kraftige og hadde
sikkert utstyret som skulle til. Hun løp bort til dem, men de ble redde
og løp fra henne.
Hun løp etter, men de ble bare enda reddere og satte opp farten. Det
endte med at hun jaget alle dinosaurene utfor et stup, og de døde.
Faen i helvete, tenkte Eva. Jeg får heller finne noe annet. Så gikk hun
til en stor ape, og tenkte at han er kjekk og har kroppskontroll som
bare det; han ville nok være en bra elsker. Men apen ble redd og løp vekk.
Eva kastet seg etter ham, holdt ham fast i rumpa, men apen var raskere og
Eva ble stående igjen med bare apehår i hånden.
Det var da som bare, tenkte Eva. Slik utflaks! Så gikk hun ned til
vannet.
Hun fanget en fisk, stappet den inn i vagina, og fisken sprellet som et
uvær. Det var skjønt! Eva fikk sin første orgasme og var meget fornøyd.
Og av denne historien kan vi trekke tre konklusjoner:
1. Vi vet nå hvordan dinosaurene døde ut
2. Vi vet hvorfor aper ikke har hår på baken
3. Men vi vet ikke hvordan fiskene opprinnelig luktet....
-*-*-
There was this blonde who needed money badly. She then desides to
kidnap a little boy. She finds a boy then she brings him to the
playground, She explains to him that she has kidnapped him for
money, then she writes a ransom note saying that she has
kidnapped their son and she demanding $10,000 cash. She wants it
in a brown paperbag under the pear tree in the park, The blonde
signs the letter THE BLONDE!!!! She then pins the letter to the
boys chest and sends him home...
The next day the blonde goes to the pear tree to find the brown
bag under the tree with the $10,000 in it with a note that
reads... How could you do this sort of thing to a fellow Blonde!
-*-*-
An update from College Station...
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files,including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report
that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now
implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new
standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak
Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K
problem has made any sense to us. But we understand it is a global problem,
and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000
have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next
year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction.
-*-*-
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan
when the male sees the whaling ship that killed his father.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to
the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our
blow holes.
That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice
about killing innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the
ship has sunk, the male whale notices sailors making their way back to
shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells,
"They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
The female whale becomes less cooperative. She says, "I agreed to
the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
-*-*-
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our orders carried a spoon in his shirtpocket. It
seemed a little strange but I ignored it. However, when the busboy
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirtpocket.
I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a
spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our orders
I asked:
"Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant owner hired Andersen Consulting
experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After
several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers
drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensils. This
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour.
If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can
reduce the number of trips back to kitchen and save 1.5 manhours per
shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.
Quickly the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket
and said:
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making
anextra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed; the waiter continued taking our orders and while
my guests ordered I continued to look around. I then noticed that there
was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around,
I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flyes.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the
waiter:
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have the string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as
observant as you are. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out
that we can save time in restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip off....you know...
we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way
eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39%" "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps
you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know
about the others, but I use the spoon."
-*-*-
Dette var en kommentator i NRK under langrenn for damer. En av damene hadde
åpnet serdeles hardt og begynnte å se sliten ut. Hun kom til en bratt mote
og måtte ut i fiskeben.
"Der kommer den tyskeren. Hun har åpnet alt for hardt. Og der går hun ut i
fiskeben. Ja, vi kan formelig lukte en sprekk her."
Stille....
-*-*-
Så var det Gunnar som alltid hadde uflaks. Alt han gjorde og alt han tok
seg til endte med ulykke, hver gang.
En dag, på vei til butikken, løp det en svart katt ut i veien rett foran
bilen hans. Gunnar bråsvingte unna og krasjet naturligvis rett i et
hagegjerde. Alt var som vanlig, med andre ord.
Mens han satt fortumlet i bilen dukket det plutselig opp en vakker ung
kvinne, som sa "Du skal ha takk for at du svingte unna katten min, i stedet
for å kjøre over den!"
"...øh..eh.." sa Gunnar.
"Som belønning skal du være fulgt av hell og lykke fra nå av," sa
kvinnen, og forsvant.
"Yeah, right," tenkte Gunnar, og bestilte drosje videre til butikken.
Der ble han helt uventet tatt i mot med blomster og hornmusikk, og fikk en sjekk
på tusen kroner - for det viste seg at han var kunde nummer en million.
Gunnar var helt fortumlet da han endelig kom hjem. I posten lå det et
brev fra likningskontoret, og det var for en gangs skyld ikke det vanlige
varselet om restskatt. Tvertimot, Gunnar skulle få tilbake en god slump i år!
To slike tilfeller på en og samme dag måtte da være mer enn bare
tilfeldigheter!? Gunnar bestemte seg raskt for å spille høyt - nå var
det diskotektid, skulle han endelig klare å sjekke opp en søt pike?
Iført sin peneste dress troppet han opp på det lokale diskoteket. Og
under over alle under - det gikk ikke mer enn femten minutter før den peneste jenta
i lokalet kom bort til ham. Hun var litt av en pike - en eksotisk, indisk
skjønnhet med ravnsvart hår og sensuell munn - og uhyre tiltrukket av
Gunnar!
Det gikk som det måtte gå, de endte opp sammen hjemme i hennes
leilighet. Og hun ga Gunnar den største opplevelsen han noensinne hadde hatt i sitt
korte liv, time etter time. Tilsutt sovnet de utmattet i hverandres armer, helt
utslitt og tvers igjennom lykkelige.
Da Gunnar våknet neste morgen, tenkte han meg seg selv: "For en
fantastisk drøm!
Tenk å ha slik flaks, det hadde vært noe det!" I det han snudde seg i
sengen oppdaget han den sovende skjønnheten ved siden av seg - det var jo ingen
drøm!
Yr av lykke studerte Gunnar ansiktet hennes. Det var perfekt, kanskje
unntatt den røde flekken midt i panna hennes. Gunnar hadde alltid lurt på hva
sånne merker egentlig var, og nysgjerrig som han var prøvde han å pirke litt
på den.
Det var litt vanskeligere å skrape den bort enn han hadde trodd, men han
gikk på med friskt mot og skrapte i vei....
....og jammen hadde han ikke vunnet en splitter ny Volvo også.
-*-*-
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit
when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is
these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on
those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all
the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's
making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the
book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about
50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that
fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of
gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all
the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles.
You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and
divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before
long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after
barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a
huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be
able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to
that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised
to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the
captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold
to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all
the nuns are pregnant!"
-*-*-
Here are several of Vincent van Gogh's lesser-known relatives...
- The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ---> U. Gogh
- The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white---> Hue Gogh
- The real obnoxious brother---> Please Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes---> Gotta Gogh
- The uncle who worked at a convenience store---> Stop N. Gogh
- His dizzy aunt ---> Verti Gogh
- The cousin who moved to Illinois ---> Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle ---> Wherediddy Gogh
- The cousin who lived in Mexico ---> Amee Gogh
and who also had a relative North of the Border ---> Grin Gogh
- The nephew that drove a stage coach ---> Wells Far Gogh
- The uncle who was constipated ---> Cant Gogh
- The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ---> Tan Gogh
- His ornithologist uncle ---> Flamin Gogh
- His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ---> E. Gogh
- His cousin who loved tropical fruits ---> Mang Gogh
- And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking-->Way Too Gogh
- His bouncy young nephew ---> Poe Gogh
- His Disco-loving sister ---> Go Gogh
- And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van --->Winnie Bay Gogh
-*-*-
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just
need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on
someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person
once more answered, I yelled "You're a tosser!" and hung up. Next to
his phone number I wrote the word "tosser," and put it in my desk
drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with
our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a tosser!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how
if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 0171 823-4863.
Keep reading, it gets better.!
An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of
the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally,
her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black
BMW come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls
into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do
that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy's a tosser, there sure a lot of tossers in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a
tosser!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my
desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings
someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man
with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I
can see it?" "Yes, I live at 182 West street, London. It's a yellow
house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your
name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes," "Don, you're a tosser!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a
while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two tossers to call. Then, after several months of
calling the tossers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable
as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up
with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial tosser #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up. The tosser
said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling
me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don
Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "182 West Street, London. It's a
yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." "I'm coming over
right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like
I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.
Then I called tosser #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, tosser!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick
your arse." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now,
tosser!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon as I got home. Another quick call to the BBC about the gang war
going on down West Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed
over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
Watching two tossers kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences
of my life!
[Name withheld to protect the guilty.]
-*-*-
LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"
If at first you don`t succeed, call it version 1.0
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
"The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format."
CCCP:> format CCCP: /u
-*-*-
Computer Definitions
486:
The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.
State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete:
Any computer you own.
Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error:
Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI (pronounced gooey):
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip:
Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
-*-*-
These two Polacks, Sam and Sammy, meet in the street. Sam is carrying a
penguin, so Sammy asks him: "What's with the penguin?"
"I just found it on the street and I don't know what to do with it," Sam
replies.
So Sammy says: "You better take that snowin' thing to the Zoo!"
"Yeah!" Sam says, "I think I will! Thanks for the suggestion, guy!"
One week later, Sam and Sammy meet once again. Sammy is surprised to see
that Sam is still carrying a penguin.
"Didn't I tell you to take that snowin' thing to the Zoo?" Sammy asks.
"Ya, guy! And he loved it! So today I'm takin' him to the museum!"
-*-*-
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the
breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, and
redhead, and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered
up on the shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker. About 40
minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the
second best breast-stroker. Nearly 4 hours later, the blonde finally came
ashore and collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters
asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied: "I don't
want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls were
using their arms!"
-*-*-
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different
levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full
of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but
snows.
-*-*-
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene
and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred
from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the
problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up
against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized
that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a
new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size
36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
-*-*-
This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs
into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how
married life was treating him.
The married guy replied, "Great except for one problem, our
sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every
time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it
is so much better when you get off at the same time."
The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple
solution to that. the next time you are and she's not, give
her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes
women get off."
Even though it was against his better judgement, the married
man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways. About
3 months later, by chance they met up again, and of course the
guy is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey,
is everything better on the home front?" The married man
replied, "Not exactly!!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was
getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She
pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"
-*-*-
A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a
loose coat. As she crosses the street a drunk driver skids around the
corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, and
landing unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world. As
a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch
in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime the drunk driver
hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss
is about. Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he
points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice "Well,
the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"
-*-*-
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because
of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his
class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know!
I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for
a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you
still in there?'!"
-*-*-
A man finally goes with his wife to church.
The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the
way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."
The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in
the house of the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever
heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt,DO NOT use
curse words in the Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed
$1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO snow"?
-*-*-
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher
and the other had a Chihuahua.
As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his
friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The
guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with
us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on
a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door
said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said,
"You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A
Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're
very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair
of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You
don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A
Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me
a Chihuahua?
-*-*-
Det var pakistaneren Ali Mohamed som jobbet sammen med
arbeidskameratene sine. Plutselig veltet Geir en 10 kg
melsekk over Ali.
Ali: Faen, do velte mel over meg
Sjefen kom løpende inn og ba Ali gå hjem og skifte klær.
På vei hjem møtte Ali broren Salem:
Salem: Ali hva faen, do er jo helt hvit, hva du gjøre?
Ali: Geir velte 10 kg mel , jeg helt hvit hjem og skifte.
Halvveis hjem møtte Ali sin andre bror Achmed:
Achmed: Ali hva faen, do er jo helt hvit, hva du gjøre?
Ali: Geir velte 10 kg mel , jeg helt hvit hjem og skifte.
Da han kom hjem lukket Javed, den tredje broren, opp døra:
Javed: Ali hva faen, do er jo helt hvit, hva du gjøre?
Ali: Faen, nå jeg være hvit i 15 min og jeg bynne å hate pakkiser
allerede !
-*-*-
RESPONSE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one
house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came
to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
"Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found
his card in the collection plate. Below his message was
notation "Genesis 3:10" .
Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear
my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and
will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden,
and I was afraid, because I was naked."
-*-*-
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his
order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch
it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch
and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When
he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse
in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had
just eaten backinto the bowl.
"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.
-*-*-
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego was visiting her
inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while
became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she
was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the
head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister
had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When
she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought
it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her
brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
-*-*-
Astute Visionaries
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, President, Chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"There is no real need for sales people. Customers will be
attracted to good products without assistance."
--Ken Olson, addressing a convention of DEC sales people
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you
make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or, we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And, they said, 'No.' So then, we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and
HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary
rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You
just
have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by
inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
-*-*-
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone
book and sure enough finds a gorilla removal service.
When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a
male or female?" "Male," he replies. "Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there,"
he states. An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a
Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some
instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick
until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite
the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself,
allowing you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with
the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the
gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
-*-*-
*** Women's 45 rules for MEN ***
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag,"
"Lard*ss," and "B*tch" are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better
in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and
warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when
you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
car than you think she is.
27. Ditto for your discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a
single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is
bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act
like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so
names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The
fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in
the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances
everything.
-*-*-
A horse race at Tydall Beach
Horses in race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post
They're off! Conscience if left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts
and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very
dangerous spot.
At the Halfway Mark
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy
Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and
Thighs are working on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure
from Big Dick.
At the Stretch
Merry Cherry cracks under strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare
Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
At the Finish
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes
everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick
comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows.
Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up, Clean Sheets never had a chance.
-*-*-
Dictionary of dating
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy
to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in
the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located
in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the
man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract
two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than
he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
-*-*-
*** Goebel's Law on Computer Support ***
Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone
is like having sex through a hole in a board fence.
It can be done, but it is neither EASY nor PLEASANT
-*-*-
En nordnorsk fisker kom inn på et utested, og etter noen
drinker går han bort til en dame som sitter alene. For å få
i gang en diskusjon sier han: -"Ka driv du med???"
Damen som ikke er interessert i noen koseprat svarer:
-"Jeg er lesbisk"
-"Ka de betyr????"
For å få snowt på praten, forklarer damen:
-"Jeg liker best å slikke fitte, og drikke øl"
Etter denne oppklaringen blir fiskeren litt stille, og sitter og
funderer litt for seg selv.
Damen på sin side synes litt synd på havets sønn, og spør:
-"Hva driver du med da?"
-"Æ? trudde æ va feskar, men no lure æ på om æ også e lesbisk"
-*-*-
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red
and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100,
110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I
doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car. 'I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I
don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your
driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
-*-*-
*** Women's 45 rules for MEN ***
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag,"
"Lard*ss," and "B*tch" are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better
in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and
warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when
you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
car than you think she is.
27. Ditto for your discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a
single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is
bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act
like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so
names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The
fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in
the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances
everything.
-*-*-
Suppose you were an idiot...and suppose you were a member of
Congress...
But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get
rid of the body before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
--Lily Tomlin
-*-*-
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation
of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the
Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH,
THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-*-*-
**********************************************
Prison vs. Work...
**********************************************
1) In prison you spend the majority of your time
in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8
cubicle.
2) In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for that one.
3) In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior
with more work.
4) At work, you must carry around a security card
and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the
doors for you.
5) In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and
playing games.
6) In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go
somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7) In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
8) In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family
and friends.
9) In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers,
with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go
to work and then they deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for the prisoners.
10)In prison you spend most of your life looking
through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to
get out and inside bars.
11)In prison you can join many programmes which you
can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never
get out of.
12)In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.
-*-*-
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's
production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The
salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said, "is
the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question
you may care to ask it". At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is
always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is
my father"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights
that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little
card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been
a tricky question!! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to
think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer
was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care
to rephrase his question and try again? Clever Dick thought, went to the
Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where ismy mother's husband"? Again
there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a
little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your
father is still fishing off Florida."
-*-*-
I wanna be just like you...
All I need is a lobotomy and a pair of tights...
-*-*-
"Do the world a favour! Pull a lip over your head and swallow!"
-*-*-
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts
wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a
hard-on.
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a
hard-on, it implies you called for me."
The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up
happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes
toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it
implies you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man
rushes back to the receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I
get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
-*-*-
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace to for a round
of talks in a new peace process.
When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's
armchair there three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into
the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove
springs out from no-where and punches Bill in the face.
Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores
this in a hope to find peace.
Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a
boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin.
At this point Saddam is in fits of laugher nearly falling out of his
seat.
Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we
can make peace then it will all be worthwhile."
They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam
presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the
table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the bollocks. (Thats balls to North
Americans)
Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and
is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've
had enough of this I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a
couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.
Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the
talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons
on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has.
Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since
he visited my palace, but I'm prepared."
They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam
ducks expecting to be hit and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing
happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then
Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to
dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still
nothing happens to Saddam.
Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the
third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing
hysterically, but still nothing happens.
Saddam decides that he had enough of this game and says "snow this, I'm
going back to Baghdad."
Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"
-*-*-
Three young candidates for the priestho
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Don`t be simple, be complx-
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