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| Thread: When my revolution comes, SUV drivers will be first against the wall. |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · NEXT» |
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted June 26, 2002 04:26 AM |
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When my revolution comes, SUV drivers will be first against the wall.
Must... rant... anger uncontrollable... faceless strangers on internet will sympathize... form army... help me gain revenge on all my... enemies.
On my drive to work just now, the following sequence of events occured:
1. I'm tailgated by a Ford Expedition (for the record, I was well over the speed limit, so it wasn't just me driving like a grandpa). Since it is high and big, and my car is not, the headlights reflecting off my mirror blinded me.
2. Said Ford Expedition passes me then cuts me off without signalling. Immediately slows down to slower than I was going while being tailgated, forcing me to slow down as well.
3. Ford Expedition decides they want to go fast again, so they take off and I lose sight of it briefly.
4. I pass Ford Expedition at a red light. It had decided to change lanes and found itself in the lane with the longer wait. As I pass, I notice that the Ford Expedition is being used to transport : 110 pounds of sorority girl. That is all. Well, that's not true, it was carrying her cell phone, too. (I hope it was her boyfriend dumping her on the other end of the line)
5. Light turns green. Ford Expedition changes lanes again to be in lane that is currently faster. Once again, I am tailgated.
6. You guessed it! Ford Expedition passes me and cuts me off AGAIN.
7. I reached the place where I had to turn, so my adventures with Ford Expedition were over. For now. Presumably, Ford Expedition has run into 4 or 5 other small cars by now, killing the owners and destroying the cars, but owner of Ford Expedition has not yet noticed.
I don't know how much people in other countries have to deal with these things, but SUVs are the bane of my driving existence (and my existence in general). They represent everything that is wrong with the US. Don't get me wrong, I'm suitably jingoist about the US, but if there was a God of International Perceptions of Americans, his Avatar would ride around in an SUV. Probably a Ford Expedition. They are bloated, greedy, represent a complete disregard for the rest of the world and stink of arrogance. It wouldn't be so bad if the drivers were park rangers or a mountain rescue team or something, but they're not. For the most part, they never even go off-road (of course if they did, there'd still be something wrong with it. Not being paved is Nature's way of saying "DON'T drive 10 tons of machine tooled steel on me!") SUV drivers come in three flavors :
1. "Daddy Bought it for Me" Teenager-early twenties. If male, plays really bad music really loud(remember, the louder the music and the deeper the base, the bigger his penis must be). If female, generally isn't tall enough to see over the wheel, which causes all kinds of problems.
2. "I'm not a Soccer Mom, honest" Middle aged female. Large quantity of children is soccer uniforms in back seats. Thinks driving SUV makes her cooler than the soccer moms that drive minivans. Problem : minivans have a certain amount of "yeah, i've got a lot of people to move around, ya got a problem with that?" credibility. Conclusion: soccer mom in a minivan >> cooler than soccer mom in SUV. Less dangerous to the general populace as well.
3. "Wait, what do they say about guys that drive big cars?" this is the grown up version of type 1 males. Their current SUV was probably purchased by them. Has receding hairline and a combover. Uses SUV as proof that he must have an extraordinarily large member. My puny Honda and manhood are shamed by his presence.
And the other thing - just because you can afford a massive car doesn't mean you know how to drive it! Because you're higher up, you lose perspective. Also, just because you have a large enough engine in that monstrosity to accelerate faster than my Honda can, doesn't mean you can stop as fast as my Honda. It's called inertia. Massive object = lots of momentum. SO STOP TAILGATING ME!
Don't even get me started on the environmental issues.
If I have insulted anyone who drives an SUV, good.
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raZor_X
Promising
Known Hero
The mysterious Warlock
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posted June 26, 2002 06:59 AM |
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Well...
That was fun to read, cuz I like cars a lot and any story with cars involved is welcome, at least from my side...
I personally, dont have any problem with SUV's, cuz I haven't seen, still, a SUV which is faster then my car. What you need to do is to get a faster car so they cannot bother you anymore.
What kind of honda you have and how much bhp does it have. I have a Renault 19 1.8 i e 16v 140 bhp, from 0 - 100 kmhs in 7.2 sec...
raZor_X
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted June 26, 2002 10:27 AM |
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Edited By: Cat on 26 Jun 2002
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Oh, we had a recent addition to the dictionary here... "White Van Man" (I kid ye not) relating to those charming people with no road manners. In the short time I ave had a full drivers license, I have had the following experiances...
1) Drivers of said vans (SUV, whatever, the rules still apply) parking actually on the give ways at turnings! On the give ways! My car is a peugeot 106, and since that is a very small car, I was unable to see a thing past said van/jeep/big stupid car.
2) Drivers of said vans/ SUVs drive like looneys behind you (as you have seen) and the immediately slow down to 20mph as soon as they are in front of you. Then everybody honks at you, beliving the 200-mile tailback is your fault.
3) They double park in streets for long periods of time, narrowing the street to one car wide. They beleive this is acceptable as "I've got me 'azard lights on, darlin'".
4) They lean out of their veichles and whistle at you and make lewd gestures, often accomapanied by equally rude suggestions. They refer to you as "blondie". If two blonde girls are walking along together, they become confused and have to pull over.
5) They speed up for speed cameras. Why??
6) Often they will drive quitew happily along on the wrong side of the road, or in the wrong lane. They also forget that they must give way to the right on roundabouts, causing accidents and pile ups.
7) Obviously, they tailgate small cars in the beilief it is funny. When they overtake, on a blind bend, usually, you wait to see the fireball which by rights should result.
Bort, I feel your pain. Just don't get me started on milkfloats or "Bexhill Drivers" (little oldmen in flat caps who drive at 10mph everywhere, but weave all over the road so you can't overtake.).
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 Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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Pleuris
Promising
Known Hero
Look ma! No hair!
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posted June 26, 2002 04:04 PM |
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Quote:
When my revolution comes, SUV drivers will be first against the wall.
bort: Don't forget the SUV designers 
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted June 26, 2002 04:56 PM |
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Edited By: bort on 26 Jun 2002
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Quote:
3) They double park in streets for long periods of time, narrowing the street to one car wide. They beleive this is acceptable as "I've got me 'azard lights on, darlin'".
My favorite was the three SUVS (sport utility vehicle, my @$$, try Suburban Assault Vehicle) taking up 5 adjacent spots at the supermarket. A couple of them also extended in front of and behind the clearly marked parking spaces.
Quote:
4) They lean out of their veichles and whistle at you and make lewd gestures, often accomapanied by equally rude suggestions. They refer to you as "blondie". If two blonde girls are walking along together, they become confused and have to pull over
Strange, I never get this...
Quote:
Bort, I feel your pain. Just don't get me started on milkfloats or "Bexhill Drivers" (little oldmen in flat caps who drive at 10mph everywhere, but weave all over the road so you can't overtake.).
Okay, we have our version of "Bexhill Drivers," though they come in both genders here. The worst is waiting for them to make a turn. If they sense a car within 5 miles, they will not turn. Well, that is until the car is within 5 feet at which point they will very ponderously turn out in front of them.
I have no idea what milkfloats are. I'm going to have to get you started on that one.
EDIT : To Razor_X. I have a 1991 Honda Accord. Perhaps in its heyday, it may have had something called "horsepower" right now, it is most likely rated as "2 sickly-goats-with-3-legs-between-them power"
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted June 26, 2002 06:14 PM |
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Milkfloats are a small electrically propelled... thing (!), which looks like a raft with wheels. Their top speed is about 14mph and they are sufficently wide to make passing them a nightmare. Their alleged use is the home delivery of milk.
Milkfloats can be found, usually about 1/4 of mile appart from each other, travelling on the main road at rush hour. On occasion, you will spend 1/2 an hour behind one stuck in second gear with the open road in front of it, just visible and tantalisingly beyond you reach.
This is almost as bad as those "granny scooters", another electrically powerd "veichle" which can be found with a fat old woman on it, mowing down pedestrians. When you get off the pavement and into your car, they proceed to drive in the middle of the road on roads which have a 40mph limit. Their scooters go up to 5mph-10mph. They are oblivious to honking.
*****!!!!!
Ohhh, that is anger induction for you!
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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Darion
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted June 26, 2002 08:26 PM |
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Hey! The only reason why I drive an SUV is because if I drove a smaller car I couldn't fit all my sh*t and friends in there! Plus the Four-wheel drive is really nice here in Minnesota in the winter, and it provides tons of protection for me should I get in an accident... yeah. If you're a careful driver like me, being in an SUV is a good thing!
Well... it is on the smaller side...
I used to care about the environment, but not anymore... I have turned into a selfish bastard because what I do really doesn't directly affect my environment for my future... so yes, I am a heartless selfish bastard.
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Bartrerx
Tavern Dweller
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posted June 26, 2002 09:25 PM |
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I gotta love how durning a gas shortage, suv sales are barely affected. Do suv drivers enjoy their 1 mpg? The only thing worse than a suv tailgating, is an suv tailgating with it's headlights on. Funny how the mirrors on an average car are at the perfect blinding height for suv's head lamps. So being blinded makes me slow down, thus the tailgating suv needs to stop quick, thus the suv barrels through my car, it's bumper plowing through my rear windshield. And how often have you seen these suv's "used" barely ever are they full, and when they are it's with passenger and not en route to the mountains but the mall. I can't remember what ever happened, but there was a movement to increase tax on suv's to compensate for their poor mileage and general threat to all other passenger vehicles on the road. At any rate, i hear what you're saying bort
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 "In god we trust, all others bring data"
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted June 26, 2002 09:25 PM |
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted June 26, 2002 10:01 PM |
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Quote:
thus the suv barrels through my car, it's bumper plowing through my rear windshield.
I've been considering installing an SUV spike atop my car. Basically, it would be like a battering ram raised above the roof of my car, level with the head of the average SUV driver. The way I figure it, it the bumper of the SUV is going to decapitate me, I could atleast take the SUV driver with me. The best part is, in a crash with a proper car, the battering ram would harmlessly pass above the other car.
Quote:
I can't remember what ever happened, but there was a movement to increase tax on suv's to compensate for their poor mileage and general threat to all other passenger vehicles on the road.
It'll never happen, especially not with Mr. Oil Industry in the house that is painted white.
The insurance industry actually tried to raise SUV's insurance premiums because they caused so much damage that the insurance companies had to pay out for. I don't know what happened to that, but I remember in an interview, some SUV owner said that "SUV drivers shouldn't be penalized because they purchased a SAFER(!!!) car."
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted June 26, 2002 11:06 PM |
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Well, be fair, it is safer for the SUV driver. An SUV spike is a wonderful idea. Please patent and market it so we can all have one (NB... so what do you think of milkfloats now?)
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted June 26, 2002 11:31 PM |
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We don't have milkfloats here. Except for in gated communities, where they will use golf carts. I'm not allowed in the gated communities.
What we DO have is two thirteen year old boys on a dirt bike. Take a regular bike, attach a lawnmower engine. If you have done this, I'm going to assume you are thirteen. Get your thirteen year old best friend to ride on the back. Consider yourselves part of regular traffic.
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CraigHack
Known Hero
Have fantasies, will travel...
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posted June 27, 2002 03:25 AM |
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C'mon folks...
It's not the SUV..
It's the driver.
Those same people will act the same in whatever they drive.
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The Gods have brought us together... I can't imagine why.
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RMS
Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
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posted June 27, 2002 03:41 AM |
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Ah ha! So that settles it.
Technology is the root of all evil! The cars must be the first to go.
Loot! Burn! Destroy!
...someone save the children! Ahhh!!
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This space for rent.
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Darion
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted June 27, 2002 04:25 AM |
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Uh-oh.. I think i'm outnumbered. Better drive away in my Personal Armored Vehic- I mean, SUV quickly.
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted June 27, 2002 10:55 PM |
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A rare moment of justice....
I was stuck behind an SUV today that was driving along as if it owned the road (so I left quite a big gap between it and me).
Imagine my joy when it got stuck behind slow-moving lorry that it couldn't pass...  It was tailgating the thing for about 15miles...and it had.. youve guessed it... spikey things at just the right height.. a gift from god?
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted June 27, 2002 11:05 PM |
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Quote:
I was stuck behind an SUV today that was driving along as if it owned the road (so I left quite a big gap between it and me).
Imagine my joy when it got stuck behind slow-moving lorry that it couldn't pass... It was tailgating the thing for about 15miles...and it had.. youve guessed it... spikey things at just the right height.. a gift from god?
Love it. It's also gives me mad cackling delight when I see the SUV that whipped past me and almost drove me from the road ten minutes ago pulled over in front of those cold flashing blue lights (Virginia state troopers have pure blue flashing lights. They're REALLY erie)
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted June 28, 2002 04:37 PM |
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*Rocks back and forth with toy SUV in hand* SUV's are bad... must die... SUV's are bad... sends you into kinda a trance, don't it?
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 12, 2002 01:29 AM |
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Saw on the news last night that the new SUV crash tests are in. Apparently the Honda CR-V got an "acceptable" rating. This was hailed as evidence that SUVs had made "great progress." I kid you not. How is it that a SINGLE model of SUV getting an "acceptable" rating able to be hailed as progress?
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docrevenge
Hired Hero
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posted July 12, 2002 05:26 AM |
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Well I seem tob e the only person here defending the need for SUVs... First let me start off by saying that I used to drive truck commercially, no not pickup, but a truck large enough to fit said SUV in the back no problem, so I do know how to drive.. As far as people not knowing how to drive big vehicles... well I live on the tourist trap of teh North Eastern States, Cape Cod Mass, so I see tourists 10 months out of the year, making un necessary backups all over the place. Yes I agree that "if u can't drive it, just park it" That has been a saying of mine for a long time. But there are needs for SUVs, one of which is off roading, I myself love SUVs for this, I used to own an 84 Chevy Suburban, which was the largest SUV till the Expedition came out. ANother reason is workers use them as work vans, which is totally understandable, as they have plenty of room, while also keeping room for passengers/crew. Ok, that's about it, but always remember.... it's not just SUV drivers taht can't drive, it's about 75% of the population that can't, so in my revolution, I will not discriminate against bad drivers, they will all die no matter what they drive.... And yes, all truck drivers feel this way... there were many times when I was tempted to run some1 off the road that thought it would be funny to cut my truck off while I was on the highway... ohh well people suck, and such is life's #1 lesson
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