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| Thread: Not really a joke. Funny though. | |
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Asmodean
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Heroine at the weekend.
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posted May 23, 2004 02:18 AM |
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Not really a joke. Funny though.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm exam.
The answer from one student was so "profound" that he professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.....
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic, (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionally as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted May 23, 2004 04:54 AM |
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ROFL i had to read it 3 times before i understood it. But it was hilarious.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted May 23, 2004 01:22 PM |
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I've seen it years ago. Still good tho 
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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doomnezeu
Supreme Hero
Miaumiaumiau
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posted May 23, 2004 09:29 PM |
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wook, you had to say that again. Almost every topic started, you march in with the "I have seen this ages ago routine".
Just give it a cheer, will you? It is KEWL!!!
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted May 23, 2004 09:50 PM |
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Hey, I thought I DID say it was good.
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted May 26, 2004 11:25 PM |
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Try this one then.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT!
WAIT!
There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but...
..... he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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MightyMage
Honorable
Legendary Hero
of INSANITY and DELICIOUSNESS
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posted May 27, 2004 02:18 AM |
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Funny $hit Dean. Very funny. I like them both and unlike Woock I've never seen either of them before. Where did you find these?
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Though I must still bow
in awe for the awesomeness that is
MightyMage. For he is all I could ever
want to be! - OhforfSake
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted May 27, 2004 01:52 PM |
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Some I get e-mailed, some I'm told by friends, others I make up. It's all good.
Here's one close to my heart.
Irish Pub Joke
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Lets have another round to Ireland."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Wherein Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted May 27, 2004 03:17 PM |
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LOOOOL
Didn't see those two anywhere 
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted May 27, 2004 05:51 PM |
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lol the omalies lol
ok heres a URL. Its not really ajoke but im addicted
homestaaar
Click the remote button "shorts" then on the TV guide "puppet jam", its joke related.
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What are you up to
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ratmonky
Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
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posted May 27, 2004 08:55 PM |
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This one is very funny.
MISPHRASED SCIENCE EXAM ANSWERS
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
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Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted May 28, 2004 02:47 AM |
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted May 28, 2004 07:36 AM |
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lol dingos wasnt even funny
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What are you up to
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted June 02, 2004 01:22 AM |
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Headline news
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
Drunks get nine years in violin case.
Iraqi head seeks arms.
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over.
Teacher strikes idle kids.
Clinton wins budget - more lies ahead.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while.
Couple slain - police suspect homicide.
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge.
New study of obesity looks for larger test group.
Astronaut takes blame for gas in space.
Local high school dropouts cut in half.
Typhoon rips through cemetery - hundreds dead.
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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Vadskye91
Promising
Supreme Hero
Back again
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posted June 02, 2004 02:54 PM |
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ROFLMHO! (That goes for both ratmonky's and Asmodean's)
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Knowledge is power...
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ratmonky
Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
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posted June 02, 2004 05:22 PM |
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Here's a new one:
Church Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs
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Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted August 01, 2004 05:43 PM |
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Vadskye91
Promising
Supreme Hero
Back again
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posted August 01, 2004 10:59 PM |
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Surprise, surprise...
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Knowledge is power...
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Trogdor
Legendary Hero
Words in a custom title
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posted December 28, 2005 04:23 AM |
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This was an actual essay written by a student named Jeremy Lavine:
Coming in like El Nino!
El Nino is Spanish. It is the Spanish word for child. Like all things Spanish, it is dangerous. It kills people and burns down trees. This child is more than a child. It really isn't a child at all. It is a storm. A deadly storm that kills people and burns down trees.
Warm water usually builds up around Australia. But not anymore with El Nino. El Nino moves the warm water from Australia to somewhere else, namely to other places. Where are these other places? These are places that also have water, but water that is usually not as war4m as the warm water El Nino moves to these said other places. These other places are to the east of the water.
In Peru, they have many names for many things. One of the things they have names for is for people who go fishing, go fishing to make a living. If we had a word for this kind of people that word would be "fisherman". But we don't. In Peru, they have different names for things than we do in America. They call that kind of people "pescadores". That's Spanish. That's what they speak in Peru. When El Nino comes, these "pescadores" can't catch any fish. El Nino is caused when the Peruvian gods get angry. They have been angry for millions of years and have made El Nino for millions of years. Manny many moons ago, the Peruvians committed human sacrifice to satiate their gods and end the flood that was caused by El Nino. In today's modern dog-eat-dog work-a-day world of scientists, diplomats, McSalad Shakers, and George Bush Jr., we no longer have access to such solutions. We are too proud. We will not commit human sacrifices. We refuse to satiate the Peruvian gods. Thus, they remain angry and keep killing us and burning down our trees with El Nino.
Instead of satiating the gods, many of these "scientists" have tried to control El Nino with "science". They put up expensive fish-attracting-buoys that run on flashlight batteries. Imagine, fighting the power of the gods with flashlight batteries! Needless to say, this didn't work and everyone died.
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"Through the power of the dollar you can communicate with the dead." - Artu
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