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| Thread: The Ultimate Male's Guide To Overcoming Cybergeekdom |  This thread is pages long: 1 10 ... 12 13 14 15 16 ... 20 30 31 · «PREV / NEXT» |
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RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
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posted September 06, 2004 09:02 AM |
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Actually I know nothing about flirting, I just know how to read peoples body language quite well. Take for example the game of poker. I played for the first time a few nights ago and I read someone's bluff a couple times when no one else did. When I called that persons bluff, along with the fact that no one raised during the entire game, so I knew no one was slow-playing except for the guy who raised and went all in, but I read his bluff. So I knew no one had a pair of anything, I won with King as the high card. There was already an Ace on the board, so I knew no one had an ace. Plus I think I had like a 9 or 10 to go with it, plus there was a Jack on board, so if someone had a King I would likely win with my second card in hand.
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Go Red Sox!
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TheUltimateM...
Promising
Known Hero
Male Escort
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posted September 07, 2004 08:58 PM |
bonus applied. |
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Dear TUM
The following letter was received from Consis
My Dearest TUM, 
I really need your help and expert advice.  I believe that I am falling in love all over again.  It has been quite a while since I have experienced such strong feelings inside. These uncontrollable desires that I find myself having are for none other than the object of every woman’s fantasy…The Ultimate Male!  Yes, it is true. I never thought I would find myself saying this, TUM, but I think I LOVE YOU! 
The first time I recall feeling this way was when I first laid eyes on that succulent little chickie Imoen from Baldur’s Gate.  The way she pranced about so effortlessly through the woods outside of Candle Keep brought pangs of delight and envy to my loins.  It moved me so much that I decided to dedicate my romantic attempt at literature called Baldur’s Gate Diaries to her fond memories.  She was my first true love. Unfortunately, she left me right before we reached Baldur’s Gate, choosing the excessively masculine Minsc and his kinky little space gerbil over me.  I eventually got over that situation with a lot of therapy, but it was not the last time something like that would happen. 
Then there was the incomparable moderator known as Khaelo.  Those strange feelings returned yet again when I first laid eyes upon her photo, and I just could not get her out of my mind. As a result, my world was turned upside down.  I have wallpapered my entire computer room with her beautiful pictures that she posted in the RL Photos thread. Her cheeks glowed with such a warm ambience, while that dress made her look like that goddess of which every young male yearns to worship.  For some unknown reason, she would not respond to my attempts to charm her with my words of passion.  After several hundred unanswered IMs, I decided to relinquish my relentless pursuit of the mysterious Khaelo.  Besides, the restraining order I received in the mail also put a damper on my love’s flame. 
After that, I thought that all was lost and that I would never feel that way about anyone ever again, but then the gods, in all their infinite wisdom and compassion, brought you here to Heroes Community.  Every time I read your impeccable posts of wit, advice, and humor, I find myself longing to be more like you and wanting you near me.  This longing is so great that the only conclusion that I can draw is that I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. 
Do you think I am strange?  Do you feel the same way about me? Please help me.  I anxiously await your response with baited breath.
Sincerely YOURS, 
Jake ‘Consis’ Batchelor 
END
My Dear Confused ConSissy,
First off, let me begin by saying that I am truly flattered by your kind words and devotion. Unfortunately for you, The Ultimate Male is only taking applications from members of the opposite sex at this time. In spite of that fact, do not be discouraged by my rejection of your professed love and admiration. My recommendation would be to channel all of this hidden desire and lust into your writing, since it appears as if you have been slipping a bit in your Baldur’s Geek Diaries.
As I am a man of my word, I will not turn my back on my beloved CyberGeeks in their times of need. Therefore, the following is my advice to you, ConSissy:
1. Take a nice, long, cold shower.
2. Go schedule an appointment for a manicure and pedicure.
3. Pledge your undying loyalty to The Axis of Evil.
4. Return all of Khaelo’s shoes you stole from her apartment.
5. Stop stealing all that bandwidth with those ridiculous smilies.
6. Grow your beard and get back in touch with your masculine side (after the manicure and pedicure).
7. Delete your browser’s history and temporary files so your wife doesn’t catch your surfing porn.
8. Continue to follow The Ultimate Male’s advice and apply my techniques.
If you believe in yourself and in The Ultimate Male, then there is still hope for you. Don’t give up, my little CyberFiction Fanatic, as persistence and self-discipline are the keys to overcoming even your severe case of confusing Cybergeekdom.
Insincerely not YOURS,
TUM
p.s. – Vesuvius wanted me to tell you that he missed you more than you missed him.
Feel free to email me your pathetic problems and ridiculous situations, as I am always willing to lend a helping hand to my faithful followers. Until my next post, CyberLusters, never forget…
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Don't hate me because I am beautiful.
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted September 07, 2004 09:10 PM |
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I think this is your first post that really made me laugh hard  .. Your other posts were funny, but this was hilarious But i have a few questions. You proclaim to be ANTI-GEEK. The Geek Repellent, that not kills the geek, but makes it a stud. But i know your secret!
Only a TRUE geek would use time in paint to make your little red TUM Banner. We know you're a geek. A true Stud doesn't know how to copy and paste, and is to dumb to even type all of that, without it's in latin.
I've noticed your infatuation with Consis, you mention him quite often, so the catch is.. You asked consis out for a date, which he refused to go out on, and in your gayish anger you startet making up evil things about the poor fellow, hoping that some day you'll become his one true love. Since you've been teased all your life, you've probably remembered some of it, and now you're using it against him.
We know that you really wan't his body, his mind..
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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pandora
Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
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posted September 07, 2004 09:14 PM |
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Thats actually not true, I made the banner for TUM.
I was hoping it would score me a few pimp points *blushes*
edit: okay okay, that's not all, i gave him the red star too... anything to make him notice me *swoons*
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
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7h3Ultim4t3G...
Hired Hero
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posted September 07, 2004 09:49 PM |
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Teh geek's will ruin this Way Of Studism!
I have come here to stop all this extreme Madness You can't stop me. This small stur of the studs will not go much further. For i am, teh pheared 1337 supah geek!(btw spock says 'hi)
I will slowly start to convert you, since TUM has done some damage i might need to put on my Orcish Battlegauntled+5d4 !! But i will win.
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted September 08, 2004 12:32 AM |
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lmao, Qp Well deserved!
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted September 08, 2004 06:32 AM |
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There Can Be Only One
As long as I live, there will never be another TheUltimateMale(from the clan of O'Connor McCloud) that could ever possibly make me laugh as hard.
After reading his last post, I uncontrollably leaked bodily fluids all over my keyboard. First came the tears from my eyes and then the drainage from my mouth and nostrils. My abdomen became pain ridden with sharp stabbing sensations from laughing so hard.
There will never be another UltimateMale, and thank god this one is here to kill us all with laughter. Because one thing is certain, we'll all die if he keeps this up. Damn good job there TheUltimateMale. I don't care who you are. U Da Man.
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Roses Are Red And So Am I
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TheUltimateM...
Promising
Known Hero
Male Escort
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posted September 08, 2004 01:52 PM |
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PIMP Points For Consis
The following PIMP Points will be applied to Consis' CyberGeek Progress Report:
+1 PIMP Point for being a good sport and having a sense of humor
+1 PIMP Point for not using any smilies in his response post (signature not included)
-1 PIMP Point for refusing to return Khaelo's shoes
Congratulations, Consis. By following some of The Ultimate Male's recommendations, you have brought yourself one step closer to emancipating yourself from your CyberSlavery. Keep up the good work, stay focused, and remember...
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Don't hate me because I am beautiful.
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7h3Ultim4t3G...
Hired Hero
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posted September 08, 2004 05:24 PM |
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Sry TUM; u failed.
He kept the shoes, which keeps him in overnerd-Mode. He's sig DOES count.
He hasn't chaned this Sig, which is about BG diaries, he is a Geek, and will always be one. You've got to sharpen you pencil, dude. Because the power will always lie in the hands of a; G33K!!
Consis. Embrace your true place, the geek is in you my friend.
May the Geek be with you.
Live long and prosper! *Warps Out*
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Vadskye91
Promising
Supreme Hero
Back again
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posted September 08, 2004 05:49 PM |
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I think Consis is lost to geekdom forever... Good or bad? I love BGD...
TUG, don't bother trying to convert those who refuse it. Instead concentrate on those who will listen...
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Knowledge is power...
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Dragon_Slayer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
toss toss toss
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posted September 09, 2004 12:29 PM |
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Letter from a concerned pimp
Dear Dragon Slays all geeks,
It has been my growing concern that YOU have exceeded ME in cyber pimpness. This highly unexpected fact has sent my ultra cool personality into disarray. I am trying hard to keep my composure, which is why I have not been posting as often in my geek help thread. Just recently, I have been growing somewhat jealous of your cool posting style and pimpy attitude. It would be in my best interest if you could act geekier in my thread so I can pretend to help you become cooler. This way all the geeks will still think I am the ultimate cyber pimp, and they wont bother you with millions of love letters. I would ask you to join with me and work together to cure the world of nerds but I love the spotlight too much. I am willing to pay you quite handsomely, as handsome as me almost, if you are willing to agree to these terms.
1) Act geekier
2) Don’t steal the spotlight from me
3) Teach me how to be like you
Yours Truly,
TheUltimateMale
PS. And remember Slayer, if your aspirations die, your bank account will FLY!
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Dear The Obsessed Male,
I could never leave a fellow cyber pimp in disarray, so I have decided to help you in your cause. I am willing to offer you, free of charge, a help seminar where I can teach you how to become your greatest. You would become so cool that the geeks that you are helping in your thread would bend to your every whim. This is the same seminar that I went too, which turned me into the pimp I am today. Never fear TUM, I would never try to steal your audience from you. I will not try to upstage you in your thread unless your pimp lessons are not up to scratch. Now remember TUM,
1) A true pimp never acts geeky
2) A true pimp never, ever accepts money to be geeky, no matter how much money it is
3) A true pimp never steals the spotlight, he makes his own
4) A true pimp never wants to be like someone else. Instead he learns from that person and incorporates certain qualities into his own unique personality
5) A real cyber pimp is never bothered with love letters, the more the merrier!
Yours truly,
Dragon Slayer
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TheUltimateM...
Promising
Known Hero
Male Escort
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posted September 09, 2004 03:18 PM |
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Finally, A Real Challenge for The Ultimate Male
Dear SlayerInDrag,
First, The Ultimate Male wants to congratulate you for your creativity, attention to detail, and sense of humor. Finally, a worthy adversary has risen from the depths of this CyberGeek Abyss to match wits with yours truly.
It appears as if I have encountered a CyberGeek who dares challenge my razor-sharp wit, keen sense of humor, and superior writing skills with that of his or her own. The Ultimate Male recognizes your potential and encourages you to continue on your quest to claim the title of True Pimp.
Few CyberGeeks have demonstrated their potential for True Pimpdom since I descended from reality in attempts of salvaging them. RedFrocksMan36D, Spasmodean and Dorfman demonstrated their willingness for improvement, while a few somewhat-worthy adversaries such as Shy-HuDude, MmmVaseline, and The Ultimate Geek have also made an impression on me with their willingness to engage The Ultimate Male in close combat, regardless of how unarmed they truly may be.
Bottom line, SlayerInDrag, is that from reading your quality post, it gives me hope for the rest of those inhabiting Cybergeekdom that they may also someday end up becoming more like The Ultimate Male.
 +4 PIMP Points for incorporating creativity, effort, attention to detail, and sense of humor into one excellent post.
Keep up the good work, CyberWriters, and while you are at it, please stop saving your money for a mail-order bride. Keep in mind...
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Don't hate me because I am beautiful.
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted September 09, 2004 03:50 PM |
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Edited By: Consis on 9 Sep 2004
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You Know What I Call It?
TheUltimateMale is so original and creative that he has now sparked an entire army of spinoff cybergeek emulator wannabe's. Now everyone wants to be as funny as the man himself! Oh but they can't. I'm sorry but you are all falling quite short of his talent. It's ok though, don't hate him because he's beautiful.
And as for me being lost forever to geekdom, tis true what they say:
"OBLIVIOUS PURGATORY NEVER FELT SO PAINFULLY GOOD."
Trapped though I am, I couldn't tell the difference but neither would I want to.
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I
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gorman
Promising
Legendary Hero
Been around since before 2003
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posted September 09, 2004 11:41 PM |
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Come off it now Consis! What you call falling short is what I'd call surpassing his UltimateWishfulThinking! If I were to really dedicate my time to make a post I'm very self-positive that TUM would be 100% owned garunteed! I have no doubt that I could and would if I ever had the time. As my gf takes up quite a bit of it I have been unable to. Yet perhaps I'll be able to find some time for you to really see a work of art!
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When all else fails... Take notes.... ALL the time... ESPECIALLY when playing D&D.... or Pokemon in my case
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LichKing
Honorable
Known Hero
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posted September 09, 2004 11:54 PM |
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Lol
But you did have time to write this weak retort, eh?
Give it up. TUM already owns you!
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SOUND THE CHARGE!! INTO GLORY RIDE!!!
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Korejora
Promising
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posted September 10, 2004 12:08 AM |
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If I weren't female maybe I would find this less funny.
That aisde... TheUltimateMale, do you know how to take care of a geek infestation? I have one that comes around every single day and spends over 6 hours on one of my many computers. The only possible solutions I see on the horizon are either removing his geekdom or removing him altogether, neither of which I know how to do.
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That's the best part. 
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted September 10, 2004 12:47 AM |
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Oh honey, you should have never posted here. Now they're going to make you their Cybergeek trial. Quick, install a pop-up stopper before those IMs start flooding. You have no idea what these Geeks would do for pimp points.
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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Korejora
Promising
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posted September 10, 2004 06:45 AM |
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I have my popups disabled. It's a bit inconvenient, sometimes, but I think the gain outweighs the loss.
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That's the best part.
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted September 10, 2004 08:45 AM |
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Lesbian? 
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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Trogdor
Legendary Hero
Words in a custom title
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posted September 10, 2004 09:40 AM |
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Dear Person who thinks he is the ultimate male.
You have the body of a whale.
From the real ultimate male, Trogdor.
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"Through the power of the dollar you can communicate with the dead." - Artu
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