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| Thread: Marriage vs Common Law- wife or gf? |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · «PREV |
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DragonMaster
Known Hero
Master of Dragons
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posted December 09, 2005 08:06 PM |
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If I DO get married, then yes 
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted December 09, 2005 08:44 PM |
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Quote:
.. I feel marriage is a step you should only take if you are both willing to sacrifice things to make it work...
DM,
I think we`d be hard pressed to disagree with this...
probably the single best reason to get married:
commiting to making it work. 
well said.
(and I didn`t even know you were only 14  )
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"You went over my helmet??"
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DoddTheSlayer
Promising
Famous Hero
Banned from opening threads
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posted December 10, 2005 06:41 PM |
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well there hasto be a difference between the two otherwise there would be no reason to favour one option over the other. The very fact that so many couples just choose to live together instead of marrying shows that those copuples do see a difference or else they would marry.
Added to to this i have seen so many examples of people who have happily lived together for years and then split up within months of marrying.
This might well force the conclusion that Living together is better, but the way i see it, it just gives people a distorted view of marriage, because you cannot experience marriage from the standpoint of someone who is single which is effectively what couples who just live together are. They are single people who have the intimacy of marriage without the commitment.
Introduce the commitment factor and they fall apart.
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Retaliation is for the foolish. Silence is wisdom
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Nidhgrin
Honorable
Famous Hero
baking cookies from stardust
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posted December 18, 2005 12:22 PM |
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Quote:
Nidhgrin,
When I read your post I noticed you based much of your arguments about the fact that when people get married, it should be for life and that by getting married in a church, it more or less "forces" people to stay together. But is that a really good thing?
Well, some would argue why stay with your partner when you are unhappy.
Getting married when all is going well is one thing, but people change, don't they? Why is it such a big deal to stay with a partner for a whole lifetime? How do we know what our partner will be like in 30 or 40 years from now?
Yeah, we live in a culture that enforces this ideology on us. I'm guilty of it too. We should stay with one partner for the rest of our lifes. And if that parnter changes and you're not happy any longer, what do you do then?
I guess it comes down to what is important for you. Happiness, being "normal", your kid's happiness (to see theire parents together), money? ...
Life is a complex set of questions...
I did, however, very much agree with the last part of your post, the part on making it work every day.
Heh, I truly like this reply  But not an easy one to answer...
I'm an idealist, to the core I might say, and when I make a commitment from the heart, abandoning that commitment is only an option when all else fails. So yes marriage or any serious relationship without the legal or religious bond is not something I'd ever take lightly. But for life... I don't think that's a promise I could ever make.
To answer your question in the broadest possible sense: In my opinion any external or internal factor that 'forces' one or both partners to stay together is unhealthy. No, it's not a good thing to stay together for the church, for financial reasons, or even for the children. I'm not saying it can't be 'the best choice', but as soon as factors like that become the main reason for staying together you're not longer talking about a true love relationship but about some sort of contract between two people.
Then another thing about passion, often mistakenly called love. Burning passion and falling in love with someone badly are just as addictive as harddrugs. In a sense partners are addicted to each other, are in need of each other. Looked upon from a distance that same passion almost 'forces' the couple to stay together. The suffering you feel when a love-relationship ends is in nothing less rough than kicking off from a harddrug.
Either way if you are 'in need' of your partner or completely rely on your partner to fullfill certain primary or secondary needs or desires, that creates an imbalance in your relationship. In such a situation, even when your partner is 'in need' of you aswell, the relationship will not follow a healthy path. Have you ever felt you loved your partner more than they loved you back? Or just the other way around, and you felt like you couldn't return what they were asking? Maybe you should take a full stop in such a situation and wonder if it's not rather 'need' you or your partner feels instead of love... and then see where to go from there. Partners should not need each other, because if you're not free to choose for your partner out of love, but do so from a certain need, actually you don't choose for your partner at all but rather search for a patch or a medicine for something you lack. I know this sounds hard, and that far from everyone will agree with this, but basically this one line sums it all up: You can't truly love someone else before you have learned to love yourself.
It is perfectly normal to have expectations towards each other but those are different for every person, so if you don't communicate about those expectations, don't expect them to be answered automatically. Secondly there are many different types of people and not all types are as compatible with each other. If there are things from the beginning of a relationship of which you think I don't really like that but it will get better with time, be careful. Honestly, it won't hurt the relationship to talk about it, and if it does it's always better to put an end behind a relationship that might probably have never worked in the long run early than after several years.
People change, but if you're open to each other and communicate (have I mentioned how important communication is in relationships? ) you will stay a team and you will change together. You don't grow unhappy with each other from one day to the next, and if it would that's a sign communicatively things went wrong a long time ago. Don't ever let it come that far but talk and keep talking.
@DragonMaster:
It'd suprise me if our neighbours from the north wouldn't have something like common law marriage Jullie hebben toch ook gewoon een staatshuwelijk, niet?
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted January 02, 2006 09:30 PM |
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I dunno how relevant you guys think the link below is, but I thought I'd toss it in here anyways.
I think the decision to marry has become a pretty personal thing. If you believe that making a ceremonial commitment is important, then it will probably positively impact the longevity of your relationship, whether the belief arises out of religious conviction or not. If you don't believe such a thing is important, then it probably won't have much of an effect.
Niddy's and Consis' thoughts (on page one) are right on the mark. That's probably the primary relevance of the thread I linked in below to this one. Being "in love," and being married for years or decades, are two very different things. And most people have practically no warning or education on this topic.
The social institution of marriage is the primary way to keep a familial unit together and stable after the inevitable fading of the endorphine rush. I'm having some first-hand experience with this reality, and through that experience have come to understand the purpose behind the institution. Sounds like some of you others have as well.
http://heroescommunity.com/viewthread.php3?TID=14755
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I have menopause and a handgun. Any questions?
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted January 06, 2006 03:17 PM |
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Edited by Conan on 6 Jan 2006
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Quote:
I'm an idealist, to the core I might say, and when I make a commitment from the heart, abandoning that commitment is only an option when all else fails.
Hmm. Yes, so am I which is the reason why I will get married and am currently looking for a diamond...
Being idealist is also the basis for much of my beleifs including my socialist political point of view. It is indeed the foundation of everything I am, and you very well put the finger on exactly the reason I am getting married aswell.
In any case, the argumentation was interesting. It did provide food for thought.
another reason why I am getting married is to make her happy. This might be shallow and even surprise some of you, but look at it this way: I love my GF very much. I would do anything to make her happy. ?? Anything? I am true to my word and so I am ready to get married. If it pleases her, it pleases me. In a couple it is important to think not only of what you want, but of what the other wants aswell. Selfishness is not constructive. And then I tell myself that since we are common-law, getting married won't change much ... so why not make her happy?
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Nidhgrin
Honorable
Famous Hero
baking cookies from stardust
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posted January 08, 2006 05:32 PM |
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Quote:
The social institution of marriage is the primary way to keep a familial unit together and stable after the inevitable fading of the endorphine rush. I'm having some first-hand experience with this reality, and through that experience have come to understand the purpose behind the institution. Sounds like some of you others have as well.
Scary. I instinctively want to try and prove this wrong, making a point that there are other ways to make a healthy love relationship work than the social institution of marriage, stressing that primary way is much too stronly put. But similar institutions exist all over the world, in all cultures and religions, and marriage is not a recent phenomenon.
From my point of view I'd be inclined to say marriage as a tool to stay together is unnecessary, and most of my ex partners were not so marriage minded either But the social context implies it also serves as a message to the world, a sort of framework, and who knows this formal bond can serve as a motivational factor to keep working out differences aswell. This is certainly food for thought...
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Being "in love," and being married for years or decades, are two very different things. And most people have practically no warning or education on this topic.
The whole world puts being 'in love' on a pedestal so I guess most people fall into this trap atleast once. Only, for some of us it takes a little longer to realize blazing fires burn down much faster than a soft gentle glow and they are best avoided, no matter how nice those big fiery flames are. What good are ashes when it means you always have to go looking for new sparks to start a fire
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Hmm. Yes, so am I which is the reason why I will get married and am currently looking for a diamond...
Blimey!
Quote:
another reason why I am getting married is to make her happy. This might be shallow and even surprise some of you, but look at it this way: I love my GF very much. I would do anything to make her happy. ?? Anything? I am true to my word and so I am ready to get married. If it pleases her, it pleases me. In a couple it is important to think not only of what you want, but of what the other wants aswell. Selfishness is not constructive. And then I tell myself that since we are common-law, getting married won't change much ... so why not make her happy?
Nope, I don't think this is shallow at all I don't know you that well Conan, but it'd surprise me if you do a lot of things that are not in check with your personal values. If you say you want to marry her to make her happy I can only say wow, and congratulations. Follow your heart!
Just one small concern about the 'I would do anything to make her happy'. Selfishness is not constructive indeed, but you should never lose yourself in a relationship. If you can't stay true to yourself or your beliefs (even to show her how much you love her), how do you expect your partner will feel about you staying true to her?
Good luck
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DragonMaster
Known Hero
Master of Dragons
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posted January 10, 2006 02:44 PM |
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Quote:
@DragonMaster:
It'd suprise me if our neighbours from the north wouldn't have something like common law marriage Jullie hebben toch ook gewoon een staatshuwelijk, niet?
Sorry, cat got my tongue.
Maybe we do, but I never even thought about marriage (which is highly recommended you don't on my age), plus I don't live with a partner
No reason for me to know yet, but I'll dig into it
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted January 10, 2006 10:31 PM |
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Quote:
Just one small concern about the 'I would do anything to make her happy'. Selfishness is not constructive indeed, but you should never lose yourself in a relationship. If you can't stay true to yourself or your beliefs (even to show her how much you love her), how do you expect your partner will feel about you staying true to her?
Good luck
Perhaps I didn't mean anything... When it comes to marriage, though, I really don't care if I get married or not. Either way suits me fine. I am not against getting married, I just question it's use.
Since it makes her happy and I am happy either way, then we shall get married.
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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