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| Thread: Just Jokes |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · «PREV / NEXT» |
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted February 04, 2007 08:03 PM |
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Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate
objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in
your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator
from Massachusettes.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now
THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you
enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye
closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved
while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95
installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where
are the kids?", but you don't really have
a wife and you're talking to the
refridgerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid
cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and
Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed,
replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast
anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they
ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not
having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name
is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less
seltzer.
29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
30 Having a hard time staying on the side
walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your
underwear is in the bathroom.
32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are
Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find
your roomate's cat more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence
of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between
your legs.
37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're
just sober...
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall
down....No Problem
39 If on a diet, you cut back your food
calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
41 The bottle's empty...that's the
problem!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the
Exxon Valdez.
43 You wake up naked lying in the corner
of a bus depot.
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen
through bottom of bottle.
46 You drink to get over a hangover.
47 That damned pink elephant followed me
home again.
48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain
bus driver's liscense.
49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake
their heads when they walk past you.
51 You have a reserved parking space at
the A&P.
52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
53 You consider yourself a workaholic,
becuase every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!
54 I slept with that damned pink elephant
again.
55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground
in circles after biting you.
56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57 You find yourself in a room on a train
arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing
you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59 You wake up in Korea in August and the
last thing you remember is the Fourth of
July party in Waikiki.
60 Red dog upside down looks like batman
eating a catwoman.
61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't
want to) get up.
62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63 When hangovers become an attractive
alternative lifestyle.
64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join
AA.
66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent
watering.
67 Do you take this woman..
68 You wake up too groggy to come up with
anything funny for this damn list.
69 You realize you have shaved your head
except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people
to buy incense & crap.
70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie,
and Jose.
71 Double vision so much the norm, you
can't function w/o it.
72 You listen to the radio and start
dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73 Because you're not as think you are
drunk I am...
74 salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates -
yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76 Why does everybody think I have a
prinking droblem?!
77 You can't remember what your family
looks like... or if you have a family.
78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented
cases of SPAM.
79 You like SPAM.
80 You get defensive when someone asks if
you have drinking problem.
81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter
got elected.
82 I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb..
prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
83 You spend a whole night holding up
walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
84 The opposite wall is covered with
ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
fixtures.
85 When you feel drunk is feeling
sophisticated when you can't say it.
86 When you feel that beauty lies in the
hands of the beer holder.
87 When you read about the evils of
drinking, and give up reading.
88 When you feel reality is an illusion
that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted February 04, 2007 08:07 PM |
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A man was feeling very depressed, walked into a
bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked
"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied,
"I got home and found my wife in bed with my best
friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the
man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed
a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the
bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked
over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her
straight in the eye and told her that we were
through and to pack her stuff and to get the
hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what
about your best friend?" The man replied, "I
walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
and said 'Bad dog!'"
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted February 04, 2007 08:21 PM |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ckybN0vlwY
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Geny
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted February 04, 2007 08:23 PM |
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Might as well join in...
Two drunk men are sitting on the pavement outside a bar.
One of them looks at the sky and says:
- Ooh, look there are two moons...
The other looks up as well:
- No way... there are four...
The two start arguing, when a third man came out of the bar.
The two ask him:
- How many moons are up there, two or four?
He looks up and says:
-In which row?
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted February 04, 2007 08:33 PM |
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lol
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely
says in a small, high, voice, "Could you please
take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn
accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey
sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if
we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son,
whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie, "About
dis celibacy thing. Are you tellin me you never
think about doin' it? The nun, "Why certainly,
my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time
or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand."
The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you
know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under
certain conditions, in a very unique
circumstance, I might consider it. The cabbie,
"Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"
The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic,
unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no
children." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is
your lucky day. I am all three. Why dont youse
come on up here...I won't even make you really
break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on
me." The nun looks around....they are awfully
far away from where anyone would recognize her...
at the next light she gets into the front with
the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting
back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is
smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the
nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun
inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?" The
cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant,
I'm married, and I got four kids. And from the
back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced
response, "Yeah, well my name's Steven and I'm on
my way to a costume party."
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted July 10, 2007 08:24 PM |
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lol
One day little Susie went into her back yard and
found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs
up in the air. She asked, "Daddy Daddy why is
Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way
Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven
easier."
The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran
up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost
died today."
Flustered, her father said, "Honey what
happened?"
And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the
air and she was screaming "Oh Jesus I'm coming
I'm coming" and if it wasn't for the milkman
holding her down she would have been a gonner."
____________________________________________________________
A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he
is driving above the speed limit. He notices a
police car with its red lights on in his rearview
mirror. He thinks "I can out run this guy," so he
floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70,
80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his
speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 'what
the hell'" and gives up.
He pulls over to the curb. The police officer
gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've
had a really lousy day, and I just want to go
home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you
go!"
The man thinks for a moment and says..."Three
weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer.
When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I
thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back."
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Kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted July 10, 2007 09:26 PM |
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two guys walk out of casino. one is naked,the other is in his underpants. the naked guy says:
-you know Pete,i like you because you know when to stop...
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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tnt_addict
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Beautiful Liar
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posted July 10, 2007 09:53 PM |
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There's a fire at the hospital, a fireman runs up to one of the doctors at the scene.
"Phhheeewww! We have managed to put out the fire in the right wing, ten people are alive! Another 8 we've managed to revive! Only two are dead..."
The doctor looses conciousness, the firemen quickly get him up on his feet again.
"What's wrong with you doctor?"
"Dear lord that's not just the right wing... It's the morgue!"
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Please
click and help me out!! Thanks!!
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antipaladin
Promising
Legendary Hero
of Ooohs and Aaahs
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posted July 11, 2007 12:02 AM |
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A joke about my own israely people:
When god created mankind he gave each nationallity 2 personality traits,but the clerk-angel notice that israelys have 3..
he went to the god and told them thats not good.
God:What are the 3 personality traits?
Angel:smart,honest,and politician.
God h,let me explain then,a isrealy who is smart and honest,is not politician,a israely that is honest and politician is not smart,and a israely that is smart and politician is not honest..
A russian alcoholic,israely smoker,and american addict ware locked up,each given 1ton of the required addiction and to see if they live after a year.
within a year,the russian drinks last liter of vodka and dies.
the american drug addict takes last dose and dies.
the israely is all evil,with eyes red,WERE IS LIGHT?
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types in obscure english
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william
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
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posted July 11, 2007 12:38 AM |
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lmfao TNT_Addict, that joke was good 
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~
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Daystar
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Back from the Dead
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posted July 11, 2007 12:40 AM |
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Bush phones his secretary.
Bush: "I'm flying to England soon, how fast do the new service jets go?"
Secretary: "Just a minute, Mr. President."
Bush: "Great! I'll have a ticket!"
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How exactly is luck a skill?
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Miru
Supreme Hero
A leaf in the river of time
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posted July 11, 2007 05:25 AM |
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Quote:
Healthy Eating
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram
of water 1 degree Celsius. Translated into
meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a
very cold dessert (generally consisting of water
in large part), the natural processes which raise
the consumed dessert to body temperature during
the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories
out of the only available source, your body fat...
If only it had worked...
____________
I wish I were employed by a stupendous paragraph, with capitalized English words and expressions.
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted July 11, 2007 11:24 AM |
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Horse and Cowboy went to a bar. Bartender asked what will you have? Horse said gimme visky. Bartender asked does Cowboy take visky aswell? Horse said no! He is driving.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted July 11, 2007 04:30 PM |
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A chukcha walks into a store and asks, "Do you have any color TVs?" "Yes," the clerk answers. The chukcha says, "Okay, I'll have a green one."
No offense to any chukchas that might be here.
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Eccentric Opinion
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Geny
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted July 11, 2007 04:33 PM |
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speaking of chuckchas...
Chuckcha writes a letter to his mother telling her how he lives in the big city. At the end of the letter he writes:
P.S. I would send you some money, but I have already sealed the envelope.
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted July 11, 2007 04:38 PM |
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Russian: Chukcha, why did you buy a refrigerator? It's already extemely cold where you live.
Chukcha: Well, it's -30 outside, -10 indoors, and -5 in the refrigerator, a warm place, however!
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Eccentric Opinion
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Geny
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted July 11, 2007 04:45 PM |
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tnt_addict
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Beautiful Liar
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posted July 11, 2007 05:01 PM |
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Some blonde jokes 
A brunette and a blonde girls are walking down the street.
Brunette: "Yyeeeewww look a dead bird!!!"
The blonde girl looks up at the sky: "Where!? Where!?!?"
2 blonde girls are standing at the bus stop.
"Hey what bus do you need?"
"Number 1, and you?"
"Waiting for number 4."
Bus number 14 comes up.
The two all happy like: "Yay now we can ride together!!!"
What's the difference between a smart blond and bigfoot?
Someone has already seen bigfoot.
____________
Please
click and help me out!! Thanks!!
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted July 11, 2007 05:14 PM |
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-Did you know that Irish invented the RiverDance?
-No. How do you know that?
-In Irish pubs there are allways big lines of mens in front of WC practising that dance.
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william
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
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posted July 12, 2007 05:56 AM |
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lol TNT, those made me LoL 
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~
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