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| Thread: Just Jokes |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · «PREV |
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Miru
Supreme Hero
A leaf in the river of time
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posted July 13, 2007 03:02 AM |
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Theres a group of drunks down at Pat's Pub in Ireland. They all discuss how much they hate the french, so they decide to declare war. Pat phones up the president of france. He tells them that Pat's Pub is declaring war on france. The french president warns them that they have a couple thousand mobile armor (tanks), and that they should reconsider. Pat is taken aback and say they would like to talk it over a bit more before they go to war.
The next day Pat calls up the president and tells him Doug says his cousins got a couple of trucks and so the war is still on. The president warns them that they also have an air force that could devastate their Pub. Pat tells him that they are going to think about it some more.
The day after that Pat calls the president and tells him that Sean's brother has a couple of crop dusters and they can sit in the back of theose with some M-14s, so the war is still on. The president warns them that he has half a million amphibious trained soldiers, and once again this forces Pat to reconsider.
On the last day Pat call up the presidet.
"Well we've decided the war is off." Pat says.
"Oh, so we intimidated you?" The president replies.
"Well we all talked it over very serious like and we've decided - there's no ****ing way we can feed half a million prisoners."
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I wish I were employed by a stupendous paragraph, with capitalized English words and expressions.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted July 15, 2007 03:18 AM |
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Stirlitz is walking through the forest and sees a pair of eyes staring at him. "It's an owl," Stirlitz thinks. "You're an owl yourself," thinks Mueller.
Stirlitz hears a knock at the door. "It's Mueller," Stirlitz thinks. "Yes, it's me," thinks Mueller.
The above two jokes are based on a Russian movie called "Seventeen Moments of Spring", about a Russian spy (Stirlitz) in Nazi Germany. Mueller, if I'm not mistaken, is head of the Gestapo.
Drunk: Will this bus take me to 22nd Street?
Conductor: No.
2nd Drunk: OK, how about me?
(This joke only makes sense in Russian.)
Plakat na ulitse: Part'ia byla, yest', i bud'et yest'.
Literal translation: A poster on the street: The Party was, is, and will eat.
The Armenian Radio is asked by a caller: What would be better to raise first, wages or amount of goods?
Armenian Radio: We don't answer political questions.
Second caller: What color of robe should a bride wear on her wedding night?
Armenian Radio: It doesn't matter, she'd still get ****ed. The same applies to the first question.
Lenin's rule was like a train: a dark tunnel and a light ahead. Stalin's rule was like a bus: Half are sitting [in jail] and half are shaking. Khrushchov's rule was like a circus: One man is talking, and everyone is laughing. Brezhnev's rule was like a movie at the theater: Everyone is waiting for it to be over.
Man 1: Brezhnev is in surgery again.
Man 2: What? Heart surgery?
Man 1: No, chest expansion surgery, to fit one more Hero of the Soviet Union medal.
Communism is Soviet power plus electification of the people.
There is a great variety of Jewish jokes in Russian humor. They are not anti-semitic, though. No offense to any Jews here.
Abramovich: Rabinovich, they're going to beat up all of the Jews.
Rabinovich: But it says "Russian" in my passport.
Abramovich: They're not going to beat your passport, they'll beat your face!
After seeing a lavish Politburo funeral, Rabinovich says, "What a waste! With that kind of money I could've buried the whole Politburo."
Two peasants are looking at Lenin's corpse in the Masoleum. "He's just like us," one says, "Dead but not yet buried."
Slogan: Lenin is dead but his cause lives on!
Punchline 1: Rabinovich says, "I wish it was the other way around."
Punchline 2: Just like Brezhnev. Brezhnev is dead but his body lives on.
Lenin showed how a country should be ruled. Stalin showed how a country should not be ruled. Khrushchov showed that any idiot can run a country. Brezhnev showed that not just any idiot could run a country.
After changing the name of Stalingrad to Volgograd, a message from the afterlife was received, "I approve. Joseph Volgin."
A 167 year-old man is interviewed.
Journalist: How did you manage to live so long?
Man: During the Great October Revolution-
Journalist: No, better tell us about the Decembrists.
Man: During the Great October Revolution-
Journalist: No, better tell us about Pushkin.
Man: During the Great October Revolution, everything was such a mess that they added on an extra hundred years to my age!
What is the most permenant thing in the Soviet Union? Temporary difficulties.
What's the difference between communism and capitalism? In capitalism, man exploits man; whereas in communism it's the other way around.
Credit to Wikipedia for most of the jokes.
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Eccentric Opinion
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Lith-Maethor
Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
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posted July 15, 2007 02:29 PM |
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siblings...
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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You are suffering from delusions of adequacy.
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Kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted July 15, 2007 02:37 PM |
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Edited by Kipshasz at 14:37, 15 Jul 2007.
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Lith,good one homie
one dude comes to the pub and says:
-hey,there's a truck full of condoms!
eweryone jumped out of their seats and heads towards the door.
-hey wait dudes,Pete loaded out them with a pitchfork... *sad*
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted July 17, 2007 11:21 PM |
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Nice ones guys,heres one.
As he was quietly watching television at home,
the chap hears a sound on the roof of his house
and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a
fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his
home he promptly calls up the local zoo
autorities to inform them one of their animals
had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla
recovering units is on the way and to remain
calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck,
displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its
panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver
proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a
chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a
baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on
how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of
this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof
apart, the chap ask him how he will go about
doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge
shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan:
'First I'll climb up there with the ladder, then
I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof
using the baseball bat; As soon as the gorilla
hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua
dog will attack its private parts.'
'When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will
have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to
protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip
on the handcuffs.' 'Then, I lead him to the
truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo.'
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled
house owner asks why he was handed the .12 gauge
shotgun?
'Well... ' explains the experienced gorilla
retriever, 'It's just a precaution should thing
not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event
that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off
with the baseball bat.
Shoot the dog...'
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted July 17, 2007 11:39 PM |
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ya funny lol, I got alot
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out
in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are
watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull
to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull
reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs,
& comments, "See! That was more than 5 times
a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine
specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last
year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's
some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this
comparison.
The third bull is up for sale:
"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365
times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year!
How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells
back, "Sure, once a day!... But ask the auctioneer
if they were all with the same cow!!!"
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A man is having trouble getting erections so he
visits his family doctor. After a thorough
examination, the doc says "I'm sorry to say this,
but, you have a rare disease that affects the
muscles at the base of your penis, making it
impossible for you to have an erection."
The doc continues, "There is only one operation
that I can think of to help you, however, it's
very experimental. It involves replacing the penis
with the trunk of a baby elephant."
The man thinks about it and decides to go for it.
The operation is a success. Later that evening,
he's out to dinner with his girlfriend. He feels
pressure in his groin area and unzips his fly to
relieve the pressure. His penis comes out of his
pants and grabs a dinner roll and goes back in.
His girlfriend, astonished, says "WOW, can you
do that again?"
The man, with tears in his eyes, says "Well, I
suppose I COULD, but I don't think I can fit
another dinner roll up my a**."
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For all of the mods and gm's and everything, this not foul language, it is an accent said wrong, take that into account and don't forget it please, lol.
Instruction for reading: Read in an Italian
accent
I am a Italiano One day ima gonna LA to bigga
hotel. In a morning I go down to eat breakfast. I
tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She
brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two
piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no
understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She
say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma
snow. I don't even know the lady and she call me
sonna ma snow!
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The
waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone
wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma snow.
So, I go back to my room ina hotel and there is
no snows onna my bed. I call the manager and
tella him I wanna snow. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna snow on
my bed. He say you better not snow onna bed, you
sonna ma snow.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say:
"Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna
ma snow, I gonna back to Italy!
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