violent_flower
Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
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posted July 18, 2007 05:30 PM |
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Oh Christ not another one
Even though it is not here yet, my anticipation of it wakes me up sweating with paranoid drops running down my tattered cheeks. It has come around again and fast this time, not even sparing me a moment to reflect on past events that were full of bliss. No its not the birth of another child, nor a raise at my high end job, its is however, another Birthday for me.
I don’t care for them as much anymore; I try to avoid the whole slew of jokes that come with getting one year older, one year with more regrets, and a package of failures that shows up on my doorstep about this time every year. I used to run to the mailbox to see if my father had remembered this time, if it was his signature on the card that my step mom probably picked out of her generic box of “Happy Holiday” cards. One for every occasion, and one for every relative that won’t know you didn’t make a special trip to Hallmark just for them.
The race to the mailbox is now in the other direction, running away from it. I’m down to two relatives that I speak to. The office that I once worked at would tape them all over the walls as they fled in from patients of mine that enjoyed their time with me, I miss that. My mother will send one full of catchy phrases like, “I’m so proud of you”, “ I could not ask for a better daughter”, or “remember I will always love you”. The words will run together like a ink written letter soaking in the rain. They are words of guilt for what she never was, and for the mother she could never become.
The cards you do receive are signed quickly and with no personal thought to them. The packages you get are just a bundle of bills disguised as a small present hiding in your mailbox, laughing at you. I will cringe this year with every two-fold piece of paper that comes to me, spitting at me meaningless thoughts. Your children have to be reminded that it is your special day, and as your family gets older the party hats turn into judgmental dunce caps for them to wear.
There was a day when you looked forward to the free drink at your local Denny’s for your Birthday, you grinned in the morning when your feet hit the ground on the day that you were born, but most of all, it was simpler time then. Princess party hats and colorful balloons filled the air, and there you sat as people chanted the Birthday song just for you. For some getting older is just a reminder of the tasks that are ahead of you, that seem impossible to complete, and meaningless in their completion. So enjoy those Birthdays that come around in your life when everything is just how it should be, and your ducks have places themselves in a row for you, and you just had to live life and not have life live you.
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I have promised myself that i never change or 'get old'. I try to keep my promise but it's hard. Now i just need my 'good feel' back. Don't steal it again 
