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| Thread: "Put the knife down!" |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · «PREV / NEXT» |
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mamgaeater
Legendary Hero
Shroud, Flying, Trample, Haste
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posted April 26, 2008 11:42 PM |
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Great story Gl dark and quite drawing. i enjoyed reading it and even its level of complexion was perfect.
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Protection From Everything.
dota
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 06:51 AM |
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Quote:
Great story Gl dark and quite drawing. i enjoyed reading it and even its level of complexion was perfect.
Thank you, especially the last comment.  I was concernded that level of complexity was exaggerated.
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william
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
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posted April 27, 2008 07:24 AM |
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Great Story. I am looking forward to seeing more of this.
I also think that this is QP worthy.
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~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~
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Shadowcaster
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Shaded Scribe
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posted April 27, 2008 08:26 AM |
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Really great story. Definitely continue to work on and expand this; you have a great framework for a short story. Aside from a few minor grammatical tweaks here and there, the only things I'd do is change the order of the paragraphs around a bit to keep the scene a mystery for as long as possible and make each personality a bit more distinct from one another. I really like how you use each perspective to add to the story, though.
A bit more work and you'll definitely have your shiny.
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>_>
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emilsn
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 10:44 AM |
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Quote:
That's exaclty what I meant. The story had a good ending, so there's no need to dig with its end. Still, a new story based on the same family might be interesting, don't you think?
Yes good idea, maybe do something with the affair ? or something with the son ...
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Don't walk behind me; I may not
lead. Don't walk in front of me;
I may not follow. Just walk
beside me and be my friend.
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 11:33 AM |
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Thank you William!
Quote:
Really great story. Definitely continue to work on and expand this; you have a great framework for a short story. Aside from a few minor grammatical tweaks here and there, the only things I'd do is change the order of the paragraphs around a bit to keep the scene a mystery for as long as possible and make each personality a bit more distinct from one another. I really like how you use each perspective to add to the story, though.
I'm afraid that a second chapter will come out much worse than the first one, but if I don't give it a shot we'll never know.
Quote:
Yes good idea, maybe do something with the affair ? or something with the son ...
And maybe both? 
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted April 27, 2008 11:41 AM |
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He was having an affair with his son??
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 11:50 AM |
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I started writing the second chapter. I think I'll have to give up the affair, maybe to send it to the second chapter.
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 01:35 PM |
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Chapter 2
Can you hear me? Can you, Mom? I know you can't. You're dead. Everyone tells me that you'll always be with me, and that you weren't really taken away, but it's all bull****. Lucy also thinks like everyone. She thinks you're looking at us right now, proud and caring. But Lucy is a little girl. She can buy that. I guess it makes her feel better. Last night, she walked into my room when I was crying. She walked slowly, tentatively. She sat on my bed next to me and hugged me. I noticed a single tear, dropping on the bed, exactly like the first tear of your last crying. But she didn't stop hugging me. My crying became louder and louder, but she only strengthened the hug, holding me tight, like a heavy vase about to fall.
Everything will be okay, I whispered to Ron. That was a lie. I know things won't be okay. I took a look around the room. I hadn't entered Ron's room for months. I don't know why, maybe because it scares me a little. It is very messy, everything is thrown around. Ron had been messy before we moved as well, but not so much. His room here isn't so different than the one he had in the old house. It contains the same things, plus a new TV that Ron got as a 15th birthday present from Amanda and Frank, the foster parents. They said that this present is also for the previous 14 years. How nice of them! I suddenly had an idea. I stood up and went towards the case under the TV. Ron looked confused, but I went quickly, full of a sudden energy. I opened the case and looked at all the DVD movies that Ron has. I flipped open the movies' boxes one after the other, until I found "Mr. Bin". This is Ron's favorite show, and it always makes him laugh. When we were younger, we used to watch it, all the family. I took the box happily, and showed Ron. He seemed terrified for a second, but I had already opened it. Something fell out of the box. I bent down to see what it was. There were two tiny plastic bags, full of something gray. I dropped them on the desk, afraid to touch them. I knew what those things were, Ron had shown me something similar, a long time ago. I ran out of the room, and didn't get out of bed until I saw the light of morning.
Something is happening. I hadn't gotten signs from the kids, or at least I hadn't noticed them, until Ron's teacher called. Mrs. Brown called at 8 PM, right before dinner. I was about to call Frank and the kids to eat, when the phone rang. She asked me how Ron was. I was confused, and asked if something had happened. Mrs. Brown told me that he hadn't been at school for the entire week, and that she assumed he was sick. I was surprised to hear that. Even though I have been told that Ron is a problematic child, that had made a lot of mess at school, when he came to me he showed no signs of bad behaviour, and I decided to be fair and to ignore those warnings - but this time was completely different. However, I didn't say a word to him. I started to look at him more suspiciously, to see what was different about him. He seemed to me more tired. Maybe I was imagining it, but he also looked pale, and his eyes were swollen and red...
I miss you, Mom. I miss you, Dad. I want you to be here with me. I hate everything here, I hate the new house and the foster family. I hate everyone. I only want you two back. "I HATE this place!" I shouted and threw the remote control of the TV into the screen. It cracked. I haven't gone to school for the last two weeks. I've been wandering around town. It's very quiet, not like the big city. I miss it. I hate when it's so quiet around. I see the people around, all happy, living their lives. I just want them all to die. They think they know everything, but they don't know how things really are. They deserve to die. "I will kill them!" I shouted. Kill them all.
I helped you, Ron. I really did. Maybe you won't see it this way, maybe you'll be angry, maybe you'll hate me. But eventually you will understand that I only helped you. I hope. Last night, I did the most courageous thing I have ever done in my life. I went into your room while you were sleeping, opened the case under the TV, and opened the "Mr. Bin" DVD box. I knew that you wouldn't have moved the plastic bags with the gray stuff inside them. I took one of them, put it in my pyjama pocket, closed the box, put it in the case and closed it, trying to be as quiet as possible. I ran out of the room and went to the bedroom of Amanda and Frank. The door was locked. I went to the bathroom and took the bathroom door key. As I knew, their bedroom key and the bathroom key are similiar. I went with Frank to the store to replicate them, a month ago. I opened their bedroom quietly, and put the plastic bag on Amanda's desk. I took a pen from the drawer, and wrote on a piece of paper "Just do something!"
When I woke up at that morning, I had a bad feeling that something had happened. I got out of the bed, and noticed the plastic bag and the note right away - my desk is always tidy, and I never put things down in the middle of it. I looked at the plastic bag and the substance in it closely, and understood that my biggest fear was true. A single tear dropped on the floor.
It felt strange. When she told me she knew, she didn't say it with anger, she said it with sorrow. She just felt bad for me. Maybe she's alright after all. Then she said that we were going to a place that helps teenagers with that sort of stuff. She asked me where I had hidden it, and I showed her. She took it away from me. On the day after we went to that place, she and I together. Three months have passed since then, and I haven't touched the drug, not even once, throughout all that time. I'm proud of myself, Amanda, Frank and Lucy are proud of me, and most importantly, I'm proud of my sister. She told me a month later what she had done. I was furious for a moment, but then I could simply say the one thing that I should have told her long ago - "thank you".
It was last summer, when Ron became healthy again. That's how Frank says it, although I know that what he had wasn't an illness. Last summer I could only dream of the loving family that I had always wanted, but now, I wake up every morning, leaving the dream to tell myself that I can find it also outside of the bed. My loving family.
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Lexxan
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Unimpressed by your logic
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posted April 27, 2008 03:30 PM |
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Oh boy, that story is just so touching (*tear falls on his cheek*)
Eerie story, what a suspense ! ENCORE !!!
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Coincidence? I think not!!!!
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 03:37 PM |
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Hehe. 
This chapter MIGHT have a good end, but I'm not sure yet. Again, I'm stopping in the highlight, drawing a bit of inspiration and come back to write the ending.
*BUMP*
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emilsn
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 07:53 PM |
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Following up quite nicely.. Ofcourse the first chapter was better, but it is hard to do a follow up. I can't wait for the next piece .. your onto something real and frightning, it could actully be happening which is the scary thing about this story and you got all the scaryness in it..
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Don't walk behind me; I may not
lead. Don't walk in front of me;
I may not follow. Just walk
beside me and be my friend.
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 27, 2008 09:05 PM |
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Quote:
Following up quite nicely.. Ofcourse the first chapter was better, but it is hard to do a follow up. I can't wait for the next piece .. your onto something real and frightning, it could actully be happening which is the scary thing about this story and you got all the scaryness in it..
Yes, it's pretty scary in the point I cut it.  I think it should have an age limint or something (like anyone would listen to that anyway ).
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 28, 2008 03:27 PM |
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I finished the second chapter.
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Lord_Evil
Famous Hero
Evil lolcat
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posted April 28, 2008 03:43 PM |
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Yay!
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emilsn
Legendary Hero
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posted April 28, 2008 09:11 PM |
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Uhh. A happy endning  Interresting
Well. I liked the ron chapter, an interresting thing with the sorrow instead of anger.. I liked it, it reminds of that, I am not mad, I am dissapointed speech... Good job.
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Don't walk behind me; I may not
lead. Don't walk in front of me;
I may not follow. Just walk
beside me and be my friend.
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 28, 2008 09:43 PM |
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I decided I want to end up SOMETHING positively. Realisty can be that way, too.
I want to mention that Gnoll_Mage helped very much with grammer here, and now I'm working to fix the English mistakes. Thank you, GM!
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Daystar
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Back from the Dead
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posted April 28, 2008 10:13 PM |
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Awww! Such a good story! You wrote it so well!
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How exactly is luck a skill?
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GenieLord
Honorable
Legendary Hero
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posted April 29, 2008 12:40 PM |
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Quote:
Awww! Such a good story! You wrote it so well!
Thank you!
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Mytical
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Chaos seeking Harmony
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posted April 29, 2008 12:55 PM |
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Brilliant. I just love this writing style, it is pretty unique. Keep up the good work. Deffinately worth a shiny.
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Message received.
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