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| Thread: The Five Great Misteries of Necropolis |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · NEXT» |
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Wolfsburg
Promising
Known Hero
... the Vampire Doc
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posted December 29, 2009 07:12 PM |
bonus applied by Elvin on 30 Dec 2009. |
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The Five Great Misteries of Necropolis
Welcome, spiderlings, oh humble larvae of Asha,
Hatch from the hard-crusted eggs of ignorance and enter the unholy mausoleum of the hidden truth. Leave behind your material posessions and climb the cold stone steps of our eldritch construction. Close your eyes, breath deeply, feel the unnatural cold of Heresh drip down your spines. Let the smell of turned earth and humid fog fill your lungs and blur your thoughts. See the distant flickering lights of the ignis fatuus and hear the painful lament of the crows.
Now cross the dark ossuary to your left and follow the fickle flames of the distant wax candles. My voice will grow deeper in your head, that means you are nearer. Just a couple more steps... thats it. You made it. Your cowardly hearts are now still, and fear is just a distant memory. You confusion and anxiety have vanished. Your earthly body has just took the last gasp for air. YOU ARE DEAD.
But you came nonetheless, you faced the dark passage and you proceeded with courage. You deserve the chance reserved for the worthy. You deserve a glimpse to the hidden truth.
NOW. Be presented to the five great misteries of the NECROPOLIS. The one of you wise enough to understand and find the correct answers to the misteries shall be granted a way back to your bodies and leave this place. The rest of you, shall lie underneath this very mausoleum... forever.
First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Think well... the hourglass is a cruel opponent.
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Berny-Mac
Promising
Legendary Hero
Lord Vader
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posted December 29, 2009 08:27 PM |
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First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
The recession, man. Lots of skeletons, not a lot of money.
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES on top of it all. Why?
That means they can take more punishment and makes their enemies squeal in terror of these bloated...terrors...
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
To terrify their enemies and to look cool.
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
Liches are females from the early 1800s, its their style.
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Something involving a valentine's day massacre...Jason, I'm talking about you...
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Skyrim RP? YES!
Here it is!
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted December 30, 2009 01:12 AM |
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Edited by Elvin at 01:16, 30 Dec 2009.
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Drat, you got me Wolfsburg! But I will not rot here, behold my necromantic insights 
First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
A most devious plan. When an opponent lays his eyes on a skeleton he immediately pauses to wonder just that. In that split second of distraction the skeletons have already attacked.
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
It is a matter of origin. It's clear that they come from peasants and there's nothing more amusing than killing and zombifying a peasant.
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
If you're gonna haunt you gotta do it right. With style.
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
If only you looked underneath. These guys are natural smugglers, lots of illegal stuff in there.
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Contrary to popular belief the necromancers do have a sense of humour. It is a punishment reserved for homophobes.
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H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb
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Berny-Mac
Promising
Legendary Hero
Lord Vader
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posted December 30, 2009 04:46 AM |
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Elvin...why do you insist on making me look bad?
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Skyrim RP? YES!
Here it is!
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted December 30, 2009 05:10 AM |
bonus applied by Elvin on 30 Dec 2009. |
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Leave it up to me. I'm kind of the spokesperson of undead affairs and undead labour unions.
First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
You see, we were thinking about the uniforms of our amies and we decided we wanted this nice blend of both casual and uniformal, so we opted for this pretty casual outfit, but outfitted it on ALL of them, so it'd give a uniformal impression. What would be more casual than this guy that left his boot at this awesome frat party? Also, budget cuts are heavily affecting the skeleton populace, because they ask the least amount of questions, especially after their brains are removed.
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
Actually, that's a pretty common mistake. you see, we pick the slimmest people we can get to zombify, because after the zombification process, part of the spinal structure and other things start to collapse, so they become shorter and wider. We also put a lot of preservatives inside them, so that tends to take a toll, but a very big factor is that all of them have a few infections thanks to the not-so-careful autopsies they all endured (partly because of the need to add preservatives). You can see where the preservatives were inserted by the incision in the front of their stomachs.
We try to find fatter people, but frankly the ghosts and the vampires go on protests, if they're forced to walk beside a fatty with a burst stomach.
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
Part of the compromise. You see, ghosts weren't always part of the necropolis infrastructure. We struck a deal with them that we'd give them certain benefits should they join us (they don't need to be ethereal 100% of the time, they don' need to transform a killed unit into a ghost, like they used to, etc.) The helmets were part of the deal. Some ghosts just wanted "kick-ass helmets, brozilla" and "sum bling y'all", so we gave them chains and helmets. The death knights quickly left our faction, due to them no longer having the most bling in the gang.
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
Yeah, see, during H3, the liches were REALLY unhappy, they were forced to gather in insane numbers and fight 24/7 and die a lot in the end (thanks Sandro), so there were strikes. In fact, for a long period, the liches were threatened to go extinct and there were only a few left that bothered to lead an army. After a while, slowly there were a few more and we gave them these fab dresses and allowed them to go wild on their diet, so they would still work for us. Do note, these were the times the death knights stopped working for us. We were desperate.
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Homosexuality is still not tolerated in Ashan amongst non-elves.
EDIT: Obviously, elvin is wrong.
The necromancers have demonstrated a sense of humour in Markal!
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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phoenixreborn
Promising
Legendary Hero
Unicorn
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posted December 30, 2009 06:30 AM |
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Quote:
The death knights quickly left our faction, due to them no longer having the most bling in the gang.
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted December 30, 2009 11:10 AM |
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Dagoth you are making me look bad  Nice, as for Markal he doesn't count because he was alive.
And uhh sorry Berny, didn't read yours prior to making my post(besides the crisis economy one ) so that my replies would be unaffected.
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Wolfsburg
Promising
Known Hero
... the Vampire Doc
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posted December 30, 2009 12:48 PM |
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* The ancient vampire has a grin of amusement on his alabaster face but still won't speak a single word about who is about to leave the tomb with their lives.
* His voice sounds once more like a deep and terrifying melody:
- Any other brave heroes to answer to the 5 great misteries of the hidden truth?
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dainbramaged
Tavern Dweller
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posted December 30, 2009 03:05 PM |
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1. Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
They seem to be using their other boot to protect their privates from prying eyes... wherever they happen to be.
2. As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
Flesh has this annoying habit of rotting once you die. You see, the skinny ones have already had all of their flesh rot away, and so become skeletons. Only the fat ones remain as zombies.
3. Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
Balance reasons man! Imagine how overpowered those spectres would be if they had 100% evasion. The helmets, chains and stocks are all necessary to provide a target for the arcane archers.
4. Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
Liches are undead wizards. Wizards are known for their beards. However, their chin isn't the only place where their hair grows out of control
5. What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Real men aren't afraid to wear pink.
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veco
Legendary Hero
who am I?
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posted December 30, 2009 03:25 PM |
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Edited by veco at 15:30, 30 Dec 2009.
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Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
Contrary to popular belief, skeletons do retain a fraction of a brain making them an ant-like collective mind which started raising demands of upgrading it's equpment and raising their tier over the zombies. As the PR skeleton comments: "The negotiations are going slow but steady, we've got one boot, next will come two boots and after that.... helmet straps!"
However it is not likely to happen since it could set a precedent for future cases.
As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
That is the effect of one of the early stages of zombie experiments. The early zombies weren't the profound meatshield they are now - they were swift, agile chargers but because of the strong tendency of eating each other while there was no enemy around caused them to overeat. Although this technological flaw was kept a secret, finally the weakness has been uncovered when the dwarven army was too drunk to attack and the zombies disposed of themselves. The fat zombie model quickly became a recognizable trademark of the Necromancer's army and thus is being kept till today, mainly for PR reasons.
Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
When first introduced to the Necropolis, the ghosts proved to be very problematic. Of course the Incorporeal ability is always welcomed for it's potential but the main problem is that it kicks in randomly. If it does so when the enemy is attacking - excellent; if it does so when the Ghosts are attacking - not so excellent. The metal helmets, chains and armor were implemented for offensive and not defensive purposes (as you can clearly see the defense didn't rise, but the damage did) - If Incorporeal kicks in while attacking, then the enemy at least gets hit with the falling metal pieces. The NTB (Necropolis Technological Bureau) was pleased.
Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
The necro army lacked a good blocker in the early stages, as the zombies were still used offensively so the NTB created a provisory solution - tie up the liches in dresses until they clog a huge area, providing cover for the precious zombie assaulters. The results on the battlefield were promising since the thick robes worked also as a mid-grade bodyarmor providing decent durability to the Lich tanks. However as the zombies became fat, it became apparent to the cunning NTB strategists that covering a tank with another tank is not the best of ideas. They decided to swap the roles - the Liches were to be stripped of their robes and used as a damage dealer and the zombies were to soak up attacks. This, however, was a disaster. The task of unclothing the Liches after all those years was an impossible one for two reasons - First: it required immense strenght, patience and skill not to destroy the Lich in the process; Second: the Lich community grew attachted to their robes, fancing dress codes, fashion shows and other cultural events, and so refused to risk the stripping. The NTB tried to cover up the failure but it was already too late.
What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Leftovers from the initiation party for new Wraiths. Some of them never get past the initiation.
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none of my business.
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SKPRIMUS
Promising
Supreme Hero
The One and the Prime
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posted December 30, 2009 03:57 PM |
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Edited by SKPRIMUS at 15:58, 30 Dec 2009.
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Quote:
...if it does so when the Ghosts are attacking - not so excellent...
lol at this one
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Hope defeats despair - "a blatant clue"
too many idiots in VW
"to lose is to win, and he who wins shall lose"
bashing orcus
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted January 03, 2010 11:34 AM |
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*bump*
You guys don't want to remain dead and buried do you? More witty answers to be given
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H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb
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Fauch
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted January 03, 2010 02:40 PM |
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Edited by Fauch at 14:44, 03 Jan 2010.
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First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
In order to keep control when the hero isn't in the castle, they put an electronic device in the boots of the skeletons. only one of those devices is needed by skeletons.
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
Actually they are filled with gas, which may cause them to suddenly explode and deal heavy damage to nearby units. But the stupid developpers were drunk and gave the ability to the horned overseer instead (he was supposed to have aura of bravery, except it worked on enemies and not on friendly units)
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
Did you see the awesome improvement in stats? thanks to only ONE helmet? BEST DEAL OF THE YEAR!!! Well, of course, what they don't know is the helmets come from the casualties of the griffin empire and the money is used to train paladins 
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
The dresses were conceived to be so large so that the enemies can't come close enough to the liches to block them and prevent them to shoot. They even thought that death cloud would hit the liches if they shot at close range, so they made it ineffective on undead. But once again the devs failed.
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
It's not a punishment, it's a special tactics to beats elves. it frightens dark elves and lures those gay sylvan elves.
Sixth : Why do the spectral dragons frighten the enemy army, while wraith don't, despite being more powerful?
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phoenixreborn
Promising
Legendary Hero
Unicorn
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posted January 04, 2010 04:29 AM |
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Quote:
First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
It is a popular style in Ashan high school. Even skeletons don't want to be uncool.
Quote:
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
*cough* overweight, big-boned you mean. These are skeletons with big bones!
Quote:
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
What you call specter is in fact an inter-dimensional being and one part of their matter shows up as a helmet.
Quote:
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
Nival computational error.
Quote:
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
The crime was arguing in the OSM.
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Wolfsburg
Promising
Known Hero
... the Vampire Doc
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posted January 09, 2010 10:37 PM |
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Well spiderlings, although I have all ethernity, the sands of the hourglass are merciless. The time has come to unveil the untold, the occult, the five misteries of Necropolis.
I can sense the thrill within your miserable minds, with the antecipation of such secretive answers. Its just a pity you will not be returning to your bodies to spread the news. With the exception of one, who will return to his stiff body, in a desperate gasp for air, and will understand this whole nightmare has only been a brief period of unconscience.
NOW. Be presented with the answer to the five great misteries of the NECROPOLIS.
First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
Except for ancient pharaos, the dead are usually not buried with any valuable goods. So we are a poor faction by nature. We profit from wars and feuds, when people get killed in battle with all their belongings and raise to join our ranks. In the very beginning, when the first necromancers appeared we were so poor our footmen (skelletons) did'nt even have shoes AT ALL.
We started from the absolute poverty. I remember those hard times. But with more bloodshed and more fat rich nobles of haven perishing in battle we got better and even managed to buy all ouf our footmen cheap rubber boots.
In the beginning we were laughed at... but skelletons don't really notice sarcasm.
During the great recession (HOMM IV), we sunk into deep financial crisis. When the golden times returned our reserves were only enough to purchase one boot per soldier.
So... spiderling Berny has one correct answer in his favor...
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
Zombies are slow ANYWAY. It doesn't really matter how fat they are. We pick the fat ones because if they fail in their tasks as soldiers, they can always be placed on... THE CATAPULTS. Orson filed a lawsuit against the faction because of that, and a temporary mandate is currently preventing this delicious practice.
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
To prevent them from TOSSING THEIR HEADS AROUND.
The second and also VERY IMPORTANT reason is to protect them from ethereal ghost dragon crap. They are the only targets in the battlefield which are affected by this protoplasmatic repugnance.
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
Have you ever noticed how tall liches are? Big deal, we all did. But have you ever noticed the size of their disproportionally short arms? No you didnt. That just explains the obvious... liches are not tall per se (how many basketball players do you think there are in Ashan?) Liches are carried around. Underneath that skirt there is always a skelletal pony to take the lich around and make it look taller and scarier. Of course we didn't count that to hide the ponies they would have to use such ridiculous dresses. But oh well. It still looks far more ridiculous with the ponies exposed. Trust me.
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Thats a punishment reserved solely for the members of the baptist church of Westboro... the homophobes. When interrupting funerary rites of homossexuals by carrying hate signs around they are disturbing the very comprehension of death. Those fools get to use the pink suit the first day they step in.
That is a correct answer by spiderling Elvin, by the way.
Actually, people who sell their moms kidneys for crack can also get punished this way.
Well... brave adventurers who dared face the challenge, if I would take the rules strictly, none of you would return tonight. But since they stopped making "Blade" sequals, I'm in a constant good mood. So one of you will return. Berny and Elvin have both one correct answer. But only one may return.
In that case, since spiderling Elvin is the one tossing the red stars, I feel inclined to let him return. Its nothing personal Berny, you were just as wise as him. But you know... you dont mess with the mod squad.
The rest of you, may the ethernal rest silence your questions.
Mwaaaahahahaha
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Berny-Mac
Promising
Legendary Hero
Lord Vader
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posted January 09, 2010 11:16 PM |
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Well, at least I was knowledgeable enough to even challenge Elvin's power. But why not a sudden death question with only a yes or a no answer? Beating a member of mod squad would surely raise my self esteem. Don't worry Elvin, nothing personal, I just feel like winning after being late to a date I am supposed to be in right now.
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Skyrim RP? YES!
Here it is!
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted January 10, 2010 03:19 AM |
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And I will be denied the mysteries of death and be spit out into the unnatural state we call life? No, Berny should get another chance. My initiation in the ways of the spider Goddess has only just begun.
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H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb
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Berny-Mac
Promising
Legendary Hero
Lord Vader
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posted January 10, 2010 03:47 AM |
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Well, here's the thing. Despite being a spiderling, I have arachnophobia, sooooo...right now let's just say that I'll wait until those creepy crawlies are evicted from the Necropolis, ok?
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Skyrim RP? YES!
Here it is!
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demonking
Hired Hero
Who says demons ain't awesome?
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posted January 10, 2010 04:48 AM |
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Quote:
Drat, you got me Wolfsburg! But I will not rot here, behold my necromantic insights
First: Why all skeletons, even the most advanced ones only get ONE BOOT?
A most devious plan. When an opponent lays his eyes on a skeleton he immediately pauses to wonder just that. In that split second of distraction the skeletons have already attacked.
Second: As if zombies were not slow enough by nature, we go and pick the FAT ONES ot top of it all. Why?
It is a matter of origin. It's clear that they come from peasants and there's nothing more amusing than killing and zombifying a peasant.
Third: Why bother to put helms on specters when they get upgraded if they are ETHEREAL?
If you're gonna haunt you gotta do it right. With style.
Fourth: Why liches use those ridiculously large dresses even when that means they are going to take up four squares and clog the whole battlefield?
If only you looked underneath. These guys are natural smugglers, lots of illegal stuff in there.
Fifth: What awful crime do you have to commit in life in order to return from the dead as a GLOWING PINK BANSHEE?
Contrary to popular belief the necromancers do have a sense of humour. It is a punishment reserved for homophobes.
elvin, your hilairious!
first: skeletons don't care about having one boot, but odds are they lost the other one to grave diggers
second: so the necro macers can load them up with bombs toxic waste
third: the helms look cool and it adds to the dark ages like appearance
forth: why are you complaining about the lich's one when the wraith's is bigger?
fifth: its a punishment for little girls with retarded brains (whats left of them anyway), homosexual males that dare molest arantir and vampires that have failed for the last time!
berny, despite their spider worship, they, this includs vampires, are absolutaly terrified by spiders, contrary to popular beleif
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted January 27, 2010 09:36 PM |
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Thread cleaned, keep it that way.
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H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb
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