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| Thread: I'm not just a jerk in this forum |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · «PREV |
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The_Gootch
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
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posted January 28, 2011 03:11 AM |
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So my freshman year of college I was just getting out of a six year relationship and man did I need to make up for lost time.
There was a sweet little thing in my Statistics class. Nineteen, half-asian half-caucasian with asian eyes, caucasian curves and a caucasian rack.
We're fooling around one night. Things start getting pretty steamy and she wants to put the brakes on it and talk. Fine by me. We talk about sex.
She wanted to know about my history and I told her anything she asked me I could ask in return. So she asks me how many women I'd been with.
The subject of partners is a murky one. Was I supposed to include women I'd just kissed, had sex with, or even other things that weren't considered sexual relations? I got my verification from her and told her my number. She furrowed her brow in contempt and said, "That's a lot." I asked her how many partners she'd had and she told me none of my business.
Clearly, this wasn't working out well and I found her double standard rather unappealing. She mentioned that she needed to go soon and I jumped up off the bed to get her her shoes.
She looked at me funny and I just knew she thought I was trying not to throw a temper tantrum cos I wasn't getting any that night.
I told her, "I suppose you want to know what my intentions with you are." She replied, "Well yes."
I said, "My intentions are to gain your trust and then destroy it so that you'll have an even more jaded opinion of men."
Her reaction was sharp. All attraction she had for me fled her eyes and she just about cried on the spot. I wasn't serious and I figured that tapping into that fear of hers would show her just how unimportant it was.
She didn't get the joke. We broke up shortly after. The final straw for me being her getting bored while we watched Fargo. Any woman who doesn't have an appreciation for the Coen brothers is not a woman worth knowing.
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The_Gootch
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
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posted December 28, 2011 07:36 PM |
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Sisses
My girlfriend and I live right next to Lake Michigan. You can imagine her pining on warm summer days for the two of us to go down to the beach and just chill. She used to want cuddling but I negotiated it down to just chilling.
She has long looked for ways to enhance our beach experience and ultimately decided she wanted poetry. Imagine that, cuddling on the beach and poetry. How did I get myself into this?
So I gave her poetry. My first attempt to not only satisfy the strict letter of poetry requirements but to subvert her wishes and make it so she won't ask such things of me in the future, I read Milton's Paradise Lost. After about an hour of it, and with my voice hoarse, she asked me, "What the hell is going on? I can't even understand this." Triumphant, I thought I would never have to do that again.
Unfortunately for me, she is a persistent one. She asked for more poetry, but different. So I gave her different. One night I read to her some of my favorite selections from John Donne. While an admitted improvement over Milton, at least in terms of general understandability, she clearly was not satisfied with my efforts and decided to give me a bit more direction.
"I want romantic poetry!" she exlaimed.
"Romantic? Ooh!" I said, feigning oblivity. "Well why didn't you just say? I've got a romantic poem for you. It's one of my favorites of all time."
So we went down to the backyard, which is right next to the beach. We spread a blanket, cracked open a bottle of red zinfandel, and spread out some cheese, crackers, and grapes. When we were sated a bit on food and drink, I cracked open my book and began.
"It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
`By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?"
My girl crinkled her nose but settled in to listen to my deep, reasonating bass. After I finished, I closed up the book and looked at her and said, "Well, there's your romantic poem."
"The hell was that? That wasn't romantic!" she exclaimed.
"Of course it's romantic!" I shot back. "Coleridge is one of the most famous of the romantic poets."
"But I wanted romance." she said, sad and betrayed.
"Ooohhhh!" I exclaimed, feigning oblivity. "Now I get it. You want mash poetry. Fine. Give me awhile to drum something up."
I'm thinking about using After We Make Love for the next selection. Someone talk me down.
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JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted December 28, 2011 07:57 PM |
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Ah, now I remember why I even visit HC. The Gootch makes it all so worth it.
On topic though, I don't think I have much to share. I'm a jerk but it's mostly rather boring and usual stuff. "Go talk to a wall" or something...
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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Lexxan
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Unimpressed by your logic
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posted December 28, 2011 09:03 PM |
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I don't know whether I'm the only one, but I find the notion of The_Gootch writing mash poetry quite funny, actually. 
Carry on!
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The_Gootch
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
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posted December 28, 2011 09:27 PM |
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Oh you misunderstand me. I don't write poetry--mash or otherwise.
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Fauch
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted December 28, 2011 10:07 PM |
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girls are weird, they want honesty and romance at the same time. but being romantic is about lying, no? seriously, who believes all that sillyness? 
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antipaladin
Promising
Legendary Hero
of Ooohs and Aaahs
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posted December 28, 2011 11:01 PM |
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basterds! am i the only one who doesnt cheat?
just declare to my girlfrindes that i don't like monogmy,and they agree on it 
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types in obscure english
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Fauch
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted December 28, 2011 11:23 PM |
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where did we say that we cheat?
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted December 28, 2011 11:28 PM |
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I concur on what the Gootchy says.
Shelly & Tay both said the same thing 
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Dreaming of a Better World
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted December 29, 2011 01:03 PM |
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Tl;dr but worth it. Quite a bit of language in this one, so you're going to have to click. It's probably not really true, but you know. I want to believe.
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"Let me tell you what the blues
is. When you ain't got no
money,
you got the blues."
Howlin Wolf
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meroe
Supreme Hero
Basically Smurfette
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posted December 29, 2011 01:34 PM |
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I think your girlfriend is far more persistent than you give her credit for. I admire the attempts to scupper her poetry yearning, but I have a feeling she is going to have you 'mash' something truly hideous before she is satisfied. You may suffer more than she.
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Meroe is definetely out, sweet
as she sounds sometimes, she'd
definetely castrate you with a
rusted razror and forcefeed
your genitals to you in a
blink of an eye - Kipshasz
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Dragon_Slayer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
toss toss toss
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posted December 31, 2011 11:26 AM |
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Its nice to know us jerks are not a dying breed in todays society of sissy boys with fake tans and hairless bodies
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted December 31, 2011 11:46 AM |
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That sounds just like someone I know on here.
I just dont like to mention anyone guys name that has the meaning of something cold
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Dreaming of a Better World
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The_Gootch
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
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posted December 08, 2020 04:35 PM |
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From 2016
Three of the most important people who have helped shape my gaming and parenting philosophy are my brother John, John Kreese, the evil sensei from the original Karate Kid, and Johnny Lawrence, his protege. "The Three Johnnies," philosophy can be summed up as follows:
1. No Mercy.
2. Sweep the Leg.
3. Don't be a p***y.
4. Change the rules to your benefit and minimize your opponent's chances of winning.
"How is that last one any different from cheating?" One might ask. I continually am amazed at the grey areas of games I am able to find.
For example, in the board game Talisman one time, the boy had me dead to rights. He'd blazed his way to the Crown of Command and was working me over every turn trying to force me to quit. As luck would have it, my Troll found the Runesword and proceeded to kill anything and everything in sight. Now the Runesword card said you got a life whenever you used the sword to defeat an ENEMY. And if you look at the Adventure cards, sure enough, the baddies are all described as enemies. But hostile encounters on the board such as the Sentinel who guards the bridge to the middle region, and the Pit Fiends in the inner region, don't have that designation. I needed the life and wasn't about to let that technicality get in the way. At first, the boy protested, but I talked him down, and watched the courage drain from his face when I slaughtered 4 Pit Fiends, gaining 4 life in the process, while en route to the Crown to engage him directly.
And so, after thoroughly crushing the boy in Talisman, where I essentially have him on farm mode, he has now sought to challenge my board game supremacy in other arenas. He has not demonstrated the aptitude for chess yet, and I haven't developed the patience to handle his opening with Rook pawns. But he has looked for other games that, as he says, "Don't rely so much on luck."
And so, he mentioned that dusty old board game my mom and I picked up from Toys R Us in the early 90s, Axis & Allies. Yes. Axis & Allies, a game I've not played since 1993 and swore I would never play again because the infernal amount of time it took to set up. I told him, yes, it was a game of strategy and yes, it was incredibly fun to play. But I also told him the set up time was over 1 hour and with the inclusion of R & D, an element of luck. Undeterred, he's been pestering me about it the last few weeks. And that got me to thinking....
Now the last time I played Axis & Allies was with Crispin and my bff Dave. I volunteered to take the two of them on, but Dave at that time was full of this me vs. the world attitude, and insisted on taking the Axis. Very quickly the game started going against him. He got bored from getting his ass kicked and started messing with my mother's cats, especially Fafhrd, a grey and white who he dubbed, "Hitler cat," and proudly declared him his mascot. Well, it didn't take long before Fafhrd jumped on the board, scattering the pieces in all directions. Dave crowed, "Yay, go Hitler cat!" and promptly resigned.
Now I'm being drawn back in. The boy's first mistake is that he wants to be the good guys. That will make me the Axis. He has no idea how I will direct Germany's wehrmacht. And with me in control of Japan, I will do what Japan should have done in the first place. I will ignore the U.S. and invade Russia from the east. Russia will fall. Russia must fall. And to make sure he doesn't have a puncher's chance, I will change the R & D rules to have super bombers only do 2d6 instead of 3d6. I will slap a baby out of its stroller before I let super bombers beat me in Axis & Allies ever again. Better yet, no R&D.
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Corribus
Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
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posted December 08, 2020 04:40 PM |
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Edited by Corribus at 16:41, 08 Dec 2020.
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This totally reminds me, because John Creese (Kreese?) is awesome: The Karate Kid reboot Cobra Kai was bleeding fantastic. Highly recommended.
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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
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