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| Thread: Efreet Story |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · NEXT» |
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted August 07, 2002 05:31 PM |
bonus applied. |
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Efreet Story
People had always underestimated us, the efreet. We were right under the devils in command. When we went into battle they would go for the pit fiends or magogs but never us, the Efreet. In a way it was good, because they would go for the other creatures while we tore them apart. Here is my story.
“Setan! Wake up! Zydar is here! You had best look…your best!” Shouted my father. Now this may seem a bit weird coming from creatures like us. But we also had normal lives as well, we had every day problems like the humans and such. We went to school and were trained vigorously to fight and master the art of fire. I helped out in small fights such as castle sieges. “SETAN!!! YOU WAKE UP OR WE WILL THROW YOU IN THE SNOW!!!!!!!!” now this was a threat all Efreet and Efreeti sultans had to deal with, you see our inferno castle was built right on the snow, we had to take great amount of resources to Transport lava and magma to our castle, and then enchant it to stay burning and hot. I woke up from my comfy bed of magma and went outside to the rest of the castle, I saw imp children and gogs playing around in one of our ‘parks’ I saw the arch devils sparring each other, and pit fiends learning how to resurrect dead creatures into demons. It was actually quite lively. I came across my father standing near the main castle building with a very stern look on his face “Son, if you do not pass this test then we will force you into that snow.” I was very worried because I have seen it happen to my brethren and own friends if they pissed somebody off. I merely nodded and said, “Yes father”.
Today’s lesson would be how to torture a genie and force it back into its lamp. With Zydar watching it would be extremely stressful and us, the students would be under a lot of pressure. I reluctantly floated on inside the castle with my fellow students and there we saw 12 genie lamps laying there side by side on the floor, we were each to work the genie out of the lamp, torture it and to force it back into its lamp, one of the students asked “where is Zydar??” we found out he had been killed by the necromancer Moander. Someone else showed up, Ash. None of us wasted our time feeling sorry for Zydar for he had been most unkind and strict. When the lesson began I floated to my genie lamp and thought a while on how to release it. I threw it on the ground and nothing happened, I squeezed it really hard and nothing happened. I was thinking of another way to free the genie when I heard a loud explosion, I turned to see one of my fellow classmates had exploded his genie lamp by attacking it with fire. He was taken away and never seen again by anyone. I turned attention back to my lamp and threw it against the wall yet nothing happened. I picked the thing back up and looked around for some instructions, when I saw a small handwriting on the left side of the lamp, I began to rub some dust off when all of the sudden the genie came out of the lamp. It began to speak “you have freed me, you have 3 wish-‘ it cut itself off at the sight of the efreet and began to back away….
(to be continued)
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted August 07, 2002 10:10 PM |
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pt 2
My fellow classmates all began to inch towards the genie I somehow freed. “BACK AWAY!!!!!!!” I roared, for this was my genie and I was to do whatever I want with it. The other students went back to their puzzled ways trying to figure out how to open the bottle. The genie attempted to escape but I pounced on it and floated inches from it. I slowly lowered myself so the tip of my ‘tail’ would graze the top of the genies chest. I went up and down on the genies chest, grazing it horribly and terribly. I heard another loud explosion and another student had destroyed his genie lamp. This explosion was big, as it took out the efreet and 2 others with it. Putting us down to eight students including myself, 3 others had already figured out how to open their lamps.
For the students that opened their lamps and got the genies out (5 total) we had to force them back into the lamp and give it to Ash, who would use it for her ‘personal reasons’. Three others and I had managed to get the genies back into the lamp, and us four were recruited by Ash. Our first assigned mission was to transport an artifact to a Dungeon. I had never been in a dungeon before so I didn’t know what to expect. We had heard rumors that a rouge demoniac was wandering around, striking those who dare pass his territory. “Setan! Go to higher ground and scout!” Ash hollered out to me. I felt slightly embarrassed by being called by name, but I followed the orders and retreated to the mountains to scout out. I thought I saw something but it was just a small flock of dragonflies. These ‘small flock’ of dragonflies were actually a hostile camp of dragonflies who ambushed us as we traveled through a forest.
Our magogs loaded up their fire tails and launched it at one stack of dragonflies, taking out about 6 or seven. Our devil vanished and appeared in front of one of them, not close enough to attack it. The first stack of dragonflies went and attacked the devil, who retaliated and killed the entire stack of them. Us efreet went next, as we flew over a bit behind the devil, the other two stacks teamed up together and ganged on the devil, who had had enough and decided to ‘kick the can’. The imps flew a short distance and the magogs and fully reloaded their fire, aiming it at the stack of dragonflies. 7 or 8 of them died. It was then my turn to attack as I lashed out at them. They retaliated but I ducked and they hit two of my allies, knocking us down to two of us. The imps finally got into the action and wiped out 10 of them. And the magogs finished them off. It wasn’t such a hard battle now was it?
(to be continued}
Come on! give me some feedback here!!
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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tortoise
Known Hero
Master of Reptiles.
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posted August 08, 2002 12:50 AM |
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I like it, i think its great how you made it about inferno , the underdog of heroes  Because in theory they have the nastiest units. Following mythology anyhow. Devils match Arch angels, efreets being from hell are also superior to champions, monks aren't nearly as scary as pitlords, demons vs griffons. demons are obviously nasty. Markmen, magogs (Archers or Fire hurling demons) I think magogs are better and imps are totally kewler than halberdiers Cheers! Keep on writing
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All living things have a history. The history of the Tortoise is long and rich.
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Darion
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted August 08, 2002 01:48 AM |
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Actually, getting back to the story, it is quite good for raw creative talent. What I'm saying is that the ideas you have for the story take some creative twists on the usual fan-fics I have seen. However, and this is a symptom I see of every type of fantasy writing including my own, you spend too much time on the action and not nearly enough on spacing out the timing to make the reader anticipate.
Instead of saying:
"The griffin killed the dragonfly."
You could say
"Wheeling high in the sky, the griffin waited patiently for its opponent to come after it. Buzzing angrily, the dragonfly flew straight at the griffin, enraged after the recent abuse with Oldtimer in the bathtub. The griffin neatly dipped to the side, letting the maddened insect shoot past her. Turning around as she beat her wings furiously, the griffin caught up with the dragonfly and lashed out with her talons. Pulling the dragonfly to her chest, she ripped it in half and let it fall to the ground."
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted August 08, 2002 02:26 AM |
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thank you for the ones that didnt flame it or anything and for those who did well lets just say F.U!
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted August 08, 2002 02:58 AM |
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Good one man. It's nice to see some different reading material around.
I stand corrected aswell. You must have a talent for this stuff, cuz 2 bursts of creativity (in the same ballpark) is unheard of..
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Dear_Morons
Disgraceful
Known Hero
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posted August 08, 2002 03:23 AM |
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Please get something higher than a high school English education before you attempt to write a story, its just sickening. Not only is that story beyond stupid and boring but also after reading it I felt like being like bort and was trying to explain how bad it was with mathematics.
Stop posting your garbage here, its just wasting valuable bandwidth I need for my own spamming.
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Darion
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted August 08, 2002 04:28 AM |
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Be nice! Or I'll be forced to send my nancing faerie dragons after you! Smile and make up! Granted, the style of writing isn't James-freakin-Cameron, but neither is any of ours. Probably not even George-freakin'-Bush!
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted August 08, 2002 05:42 AM |
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For all who flame this story.. I'd be willing to bet on:
*They did not read 10% of the story
*They dont have the mind for anything but talking trash and being simple.
*They are not done flaming 
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I read the whole thing and was into it,
This guy at work said "Can I get some help?" and I was like "Fine!"
I wanted to read the story I was in the middle of!
Like a real book.. You dont want to be bothered when reading.
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Romana
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Thx :D
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posted August 08, 2002 11:14 AM |
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Edited By: Romana on 8 Aug 2002
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Just for the record..all off topic posts will be deleted in time
edit: done..if you feel I have done wrong feel free to give your opinion on the story again
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The darkest skies show the brightest stars
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted August 08, 2002 01:31 PM |
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heLP D:
erGAAA! *runs*..*trips* "aGAAHHhh The fear.. :0
I cant handle the fear RUN! SAVE YOURSELVES"
said the peasant. The troglodytes stare was pretty scarry:
Well..I tried okay?! I'm no good at stories. 2Extreme, your awsome 
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MightyMage
Honorable
Legendary Hero
of INSANITY and DELICIOUSNESS
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posted August 08, 2002 07:35 PM |
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Keep it up man, I can't wait to hear the rest.
My stories are never about the inferno. I guess I never thought about it's potential.
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Though I must still bow
in awe for the awesomeness that is
MightyMage. For he is all I could ever
want to be! - OhforfSake
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted August 21, 2002 01:27 AM |
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the long awaited pt. 3!!!
As we journeyed on and on we came across something strange, I never seen one of these before, but I’m sure Ash had from the look of terror on her face. It was a ‘rampart’ castle. I didn’t know what it was so I floated up to ask her. But that was when the arrows came flying right past my head, and into the unlucky one behind me. Unwillingly we attacked the castle, as we were drawn into the battle, they outnumbered us greatly, but they looked somewhat mutated. They had midgets with long beards. Horses with horns, winged horses, and from what it looked like the trees were moving, but this was only an illusion of course. They also had Archers with messed up ears, and something that disgusted me greatly; somehow they merged a horse with a human. From what it looked like, they had turned a dragon gold! It was sick and as much as I despised the human race I felt they should be destroyed.
I went on to face one of the human/horses and killed it somewhat easily, these were probably the equal of our Imps. I went on to kill a midget, but these too were weak. I decided to test the might of the gold dragon, and like most dragons we had no effect against each other seeing as we are both beings of fire. I decided to take on a horse with a horn and to be quite honest, we were about equal in strength, it blinded me a couple times until I grabbed firm of the horn and yanked. Easy to get rid of them, wasn’t it? Once I was inside the castle and attacking the human with funny ears our catapult launched a rock and it was very very off, guess where it hit??????
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Dear_Morons
Disgraceful
Known Hero
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posted August 21, 2002 01:40 AM |
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Explain to me how you unwillingly attack a castle? Its not like your walking and all of a suddon a castle is towering above you and you're being attacked...wtf you see those kinda things from a distance.
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted August 21, 2002 01:41 AM |
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dude its fiction, deal with it.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Dear_Morons
Disgraceful
Known Hero
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posted August 21, 2002 01:49 AM |
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dude it doesnt make sense, deal with it
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privatehudson
Responsible
Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
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posted August 21, 2002 02:31 AM |
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it's simple english DM the efreet is saying he did not want to attack the castle, but felt obliged to because they were drawn in by the proximity they were at.
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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wizardboy
Known Hero
Look ma!..a glowing ball...
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posted August 25, 2002 02:52 AM |
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sorry to be negative...
the Good:
it's interesting as it is viewed from an Efreet's point of view, and the style is like a diary or a journal, equivalent to that what a human soldier might have done during his 'education'.
also gives us a view of life in Hell...it's great that you are comparing life in hell like us, but make some difference...and make it feel like hell...
the Bad:
your description is terrible, bad to say the least...try to read something from Robert Jordan or David Eddings as they are great role models for anyone interested in writing fantasy stories...
leaving the reader to think with their imagination is great...but the gap is to big...try to expand...instead of attack and killed a blah blah, take Darion's advise and say how they kill them, describe and lead the reader with hints and make them use their imagination...imagination is a powerful tool, a tool in which Tolkien used it masterfully by creating creatures we never imagine b4 and send hints to describe them eg the elves...
hope this is wanted...if u don't want this critism,then just ignore it....
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 Where do u go when you have gone too far?
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blade2002
Hired Hero
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posted September 02, 2002 11:31 PM |
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i love this to where is pt 4?
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" Heroes are power ,power is experience ,experience is The Hero,The Hero are YOU. "
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted October 25, 2003 10:53 PM |
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Wow, that was really good.
Seriously you could be an author or something.
A part 4 would be really good. Please make a part 4!
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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