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| Thread: Were you spanked as a child? |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · «PREV / NEXT» |
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Defreni
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted April 26, 2005 08:03 AM |
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Quote:
Well I WAS spanked as a child, because I was unruly. No amount of talking would have convinced me not to do what I wanted. I was the kind of brat that thought he was smarter than his parents.
A simple slap on the ass does no harm in my books - sometimes kids need it as a last resort.
If all my parent's would do was talk to me then why would I have bothered to listen to them?
It's the same today. Parents and teachers and police are hedged in with so many laws these days that half of them will turn a blind eye to problems rather than do what is needed and be faced with a lawsuit.
Have you considered why you was so unruly?
I was hit once as a child, and I think my mother was just as surprised as I was. It didnt happen again.
Today I work in a kindergarden, with kids from 1-6 years old. I have never had any reason to hit a child, and people that honestly believe that to be a solution, should think about 1: What it teaches the child? 2: What it do to oneself? 3: Isnt it more important to invest time, instead of physical abuse? 4: What kind of society do we have, where we actually condone (Or excuse, same, same but different) other people for hitting defenceless people (Kids, in this instance, but where is the boundry between a kid and an adult?).
I am not talking about physical restraint, where you pull two kids from one another, but here the intentions behind the action is not to inflict pain. Whereas a hit`s intention (It`s reason for being) is always to inflict pain.
My argument is simply, how will this cycle of violence ends, if we as adult dont take a stand and show that conflict solving can work without the use of abuse?
Regards
Defreni
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EvilLoynis
Famous Hero
The Dark Shadow
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posted April 28, 2005 02:05 AM |
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Well in my case yes I was spanked as a child and no I don't think it did me any realy or lasting harm. I was raised from the age of 2 on by only my mother. I still saw my father ocasionly but I think he screwed my life up more by not just staying away. My father let me get away with anything and never disciplined me in any way so that when I went home to my mother it always fell on her to set my punishments. I am not saying that I was spanked a lot or anything but only now and then when other options failed.
Now when I was about 13-15 I babysat the kids of one of my moms friends. They were at the time about 4 and 6. God those kids were hyper and they drove me crazy. I remeber when there mom had to go out of town one night and I had to babysit them all night they woke up in the morning before me and got flour and milk from the kitchen and took it to there room. God what a mess and the really annoying thing was that guess who had to clean 90% of it up. Now in this instance I just made them clean up and deprived them of the privilege of watching any TV that day. I didn't find it nescesary to hit them or anything but yes there were times when I would have like to.
So Yes I do think it is ok to spank kids as a form of punishment but not for everything and only if they don't respond to other things. Such as Talking, grounding, withdrawl of privliges, maybe certain toys that they like etc...
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"I am both selfish and instictive. I value nature and the world around me as means to an end as well as an end in itself; at best I ... too long to display...
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted April 28, 2005 03:12 AM |
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EvilLoynis,
Quote:
I remember when their mom had to go out of town one night and I had to babysit them all night they woke up in the morning before me and got flour and milk from the kitchen and took it to there room.
My kids did the same thing but they added one extra ingredient: eggs
Flour + Milk + Eggs = Cake? LoL....not at age 3!
I am sorry you had to clean that mess up. I know what it's like. You must've worked very hard. I hope you were paid well. If you were my babysitter, I would have added more money for you.
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Roses Are Red And So Am I
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Marelt_Ekiran
Promising
Famous Hero
Watcher of All
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posted April 29, 2005 09:36 PM |
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I would have done the same and simultaniously smacked my children into their rooms and grounded them for a couple of days. As I said, a small child does not understand reasoning. You cannot negociate with them. They only understand a basic feedback loop: "If I do this, it will hurt."
However, I am fully aware of another problem. Nowadays, people no longer know the difference between discipline and abuse. There is a difference between smacking your child over the head and tying them up and breaking their limbs with a frying pan. Spanking should under no circumstances do permanent physical harm. But it should clearly be a concequence of a bad action that should be avoided in the future. With a young child, one good spanking immediately after the action is usually enough to discourage this behaviour altogether in the future.
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Perception is everything.
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted April 30, 2005 04:58 AM |
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BS...
You cant just spank or any way physically abuse a child & think it will have no consequence.
Like I said it's in the mental abuse as well/
Like saying your stupid & getting hit etc.
That can scar ya for life.
If you are going to spank a child which is illegal out here.
You have to let them know why so they will know not to do it again & why you are spanking them.
If you spank them & not give a reason.They wont understand why they are getting hurt.
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Dreaming of a Better World
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted April 30, 2005 06:41 AM |
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Edited By: Consis on 30 Apr 2005
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Aculias,
Quote:
California: Law not intended to prohibit the use of reasonable methods of parental discipline, or to prescribe a particular method of parenting. Serious physical harm does not include reasonable and age-appropriate spanking to the buttocks where there is no evidence of serious physical injury. Welf. and Inst. Code Sec. 300. [Ci.] Abuse includes unlawful corporal punishment or injury. Penal Code Sec. 11165.6.[Cr.] "Unlawful corporal punishment or injury" is any person willfully inflicting upon a child any cruel or inhuman corporal punishment or injury resulting in a traumatic condition. Penal Code Sec. 11165.4.[Cr.]
Spanking a child is not illegal in California. It's only illegal for children to be spanked by anyone other than the parents. They can't be spanked by teachers at school; etc. Some Californian parents do in fact spank their children(within reason) with the full support of the law my friend. And as Marelt_Ekiran said, the state of California also agrees, no "permanent" damage is allowed.
There are many cases of parent abuse that do go before a judge and sometimes a court panel in which the parent is put on trial for spanking his/her child/children. Each case is looked at individually with great objectivity within the law. Some cases can be argued that the child was permanently damaged in which case the parent will be punished; and some cases will find the child sustained no significant physical/mental damage in which case the parent is set free.
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted April 30, 2005 06:49 AM |
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I tought I read that there was a law in physical abuse of any way.
I must of been wrong my bad.
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Dreaming of a Better World
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted April 30, 2005 06:52 AM |
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Aculias,
You are correct. "Physical abuse" is illegal. "Spanking" is legal.
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I
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Korejora
Promising
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posted April 30, 2005 08:10 AM |
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I don't know the laws so well where I'm from, but regardless, like I said, my mother used to hit me with a wooden spoon. I don't object to it, but I think it was unnecessary; I trusted my father much more, and so all he had to do was spank me - not even hard enough for it to hurt, mind you - and I'd feel so bad that I'd done something wrong, because what he thought was important to me. Nowadays I'm not on perfect grounds with either of my parents, since my mother does not think for herself and my father is never really around, but I'm on better terms with my father.
On the other hand, I don't know if my father was even as nice as any kind of ideal family member / parent. After all, I have this one teacher who's so kind that if it were physiologically possible for me I'd cry with relief every time I saw him. What makes him such a good person? You might consider me to have a kind of pathetic life when you read this, but I think he's an amazing person because he doesn't yell or swear or look for any little excuse to punish you. I mean, when I hear people say, "Gee, this person's a hero because they gave their life to save someone else," or "Wow, that person risked their life to save so many people," well, here I am, saying, You know what? Just give me someone who doesn't speak louder than they need to and I'm set.
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That's the best part. 
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Defreni
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted April 30, 2005 10:34 AM |
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Quote:
I would have done the same and simultaniously smacked my children into their rooms and grounded them for a couple of days. As I said, a small child does not understand reasoning. You cannot negociate with them. They only understand a basic feedback loop: "If I do this, it will hurt."Quote:
Well this is simply wrong, kids from the age of 1 understands alot more than "If I do this, it will hurt". otherwise how do you explain how they learn language.
At my work I have kids that without problems switch between 2 languages from the age of 2.
Basic feedback loop, damn what do you think your dealing with? One-celled amoebas?
As I said, I have never experienced a situation I couldnt handle without the use of violence (And yes, spanking is violence) in 6 years of working in groups with either 10 kids from the age of 1-3, or groups with 22 kids from the age of 3-6.
And let me tell you a little secret. In Denmark it is illegal to hit a child, even if you are the parents. Some parents break the law, offcourse it is very difficult to prove such abuse, but we have pretty good indicators of when that happens. (Amongst others they become hand-shy, if you move suddenly they flinch, not very nice to observe).
Those kids are actually the ones we have most disciplinary difficulties with.
Quote:
However, I am fully aware of another problem. Nowadays, people no longer know the difference between discipline and abuse. There is a difference between smacking your child over the head and tying them up and breaking their limbs with a frying pan. Spanking should under no circumstances do permanent physical harm. But it should clearly be a concequence of a bad action that should be avoided in the future. With a young child, one good spanking immediately after the action is usually enough to discourage this behaviour altogether in the future.
And here you have another big problem with the OK for parents to spank their kids. Do parents need to take courses in the art of spanking?
Where is the limit, and do the ordinary parent have the means to see that limit?
In this case "common sense" is not a good answer, simply because it is not common sense to hit your child at all.
About the legality issue in California, where its legal for parents to spank their children but not anybody else. Well this is just plain sitting on the fence from the State of Californias side. Because how do you discipline a child in school or kindergarden, when the only thing that child responds to, and knows is violence from home? This is where the cops are called and 5 year olds are put in handcuffs.
Either you strive to build a society where you learn children that violence is never the right answer to conflict solving, or you take the step fully, and let all figures of authority use the same means of disciplining.
Reading this thread reminds me of books on raising kids written in the 18. century, and Im extremely pleased that my kids will be raised in a progressive country regarding issues of violence (spanking) and abuse (spanking again).
Regards
Defreni
PS: I forgot to mention cases where you have children with either physical or mental disabilities (Like DAMP, I dont know what DAMP is called in english, but it is a condition where kids have extreme difficulties with sitting still or maintaning focus on a given subject)
All studies have shown that the use of spanking in these cases only deteriorates the condition, and what is needed is the attention of adults all the time.
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted April 30, 2005 05:58 PM |
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Quote:
I never, and I mean quite literally NEVER, seek to humiliate him or demean his personal character in any way, shape, or form.
You dont seek, but every time you raise your hand on him you harm his character and sense for self-respect both in way, shape and form.
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terje_the_ma...
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Disciple of Herodotus
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posted April 30, 2005 09:49 PM |
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Quote:
About my son. I want to make the connection for everyone in this discussion. The connection I'm referring to is the defense of one's own country. A parent who spanks his/her son is taking the very first step in creating a healthy soldier. I spank my son so as to teach him that one day, much greater pain and consequences await him at the hands of his enemies. I only spank him when he loses self control. This is meant to teach him, if he were one day a leader of other men: if he loses self control and/or composure then the men he leads, or works with, could all be killed because of poor leadership. I don't spank him for any other reason.
How old is your son, exactly?
If he's younger than 8, does he really understand these rather abstract concepts you are beating him for?
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"Sometimes I think everyone's just pretending to be brave, and none of us really are. Maybe pretending to be brave is how you get brave, I don't know."
- Grenn, A Storm of Swords.
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TheAsgard
Adventuring Hero
Wise and helpful being
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posted September 03, 2005 02:34 PM |
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I must say that I was never really spanked as a child but their were two times that I was spanked. When I was five my father used a plastic egg flap/spatular and spanded me across the bottom. The other time when I was eleven my mother spanked me with a wooden sewing ruler. My mum has never believed in hitting in her children but this one time she was under stress and my sister and I were fighting, my mum hated her self of days after that and was always saying sorry.
Alot of the time my father never attempted to hit me cause I was as big as he 'was' so he resorted to yelling and screamimg at me and throwing stuff at me. My mum never hit anyone again cause she has too much love for her children, and I have adopted her ways and could not hit a person.
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coldmystery
Tavern Dweller
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posted September 03, 2005 11:53 PM |
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Spanked? Of Coarse
Yeah I was spanked by this really hot sweedish housekeeper we had. And it turned me into the kinkiest human being alive. I recommend that all kids should be spanked by their perspective sweedish housekeepers. With the happy ending of coarse!!
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted September 04, 2005 12:06 AM |
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Like some people have stated before, controlled spanking and abuse are two completly different things, sure i was spanked as a small child, what other ways are there to punish a small child who doesnt understand right from wrong? What are you gonna do? Take his favorite toy away? He will just find something else to play with. However, when they turn around 6-7..then options for other punishments open up.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted September 05, 2005 04:10 AM |
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I'm sorry, I really don't agree.
First of all, raising a child in fear is never a good thing. Think about it; if you spank your child, the only reason why the child will not do the same behavior is because the child is scared of being spanked, is actually scared of you.
I tend to go for encouraging good behavior and not giving any attention to bad behavior. Children are attention seekers and will do anything for you to react. By reacting, you are giving them what they want, even if that is a spank. Spanking, in a way, is taking the time to recognize that the child exists and that establishes a connection.
I have a very good example. My daughter is now 10 months and sometimes she spits her food out. Then I say no in a firm voice and every other times, I don't react to her behavior. Instead, if she doesn't do that behavior, I praise her, telling her she is good and that daddy is happy. It works wonderfuly.
I will never lay a hand of my child and I firmly beleave that if it gets to that point, the child has won and the adult has failed.
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted September 05, 2005 04:35 AM |
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I am curious to see how you and your gf react when your child is 2 and having a tantrum on the floor of a grocery store...
disciplining a small child is alot like a trying to socialize a dog... neither understand what you're saying and sometimes, when they don't understand you, and you have to make them understand (or stop) the only option you have is a quick but direct swat to the behind....
If you never have to do this, I praise you, but unfortunetely I do believe that that day will come...
(funny that you don't use the same philisophy on an animal)
I was spanked as a child... the simple fact of the matter is we all understand the simplicity of pain... we don't like it... we don't want it to happen again.. therefor we make damn sure that the cause of the spank (why we got one) never happens again.... this like stated ealier, only works for so long..... I was probably 8 or 9 when my mom spanked me for the last time... it no longer hurt... but that doesn't change the fact that I was scared of my mother until I was 18... why because she spanked me at 5?? no, because I didn't want to dissapoint her by doing wrong... I didn't want her to think poorly of me because i did something I shouldnt of.
Spanking is not abusing... there is a difference...
but the day that your child takes a knife to the younger child and you ignore that wrong behaviour??? let's be realistic... and if you you take away the knife and sit them down and "explain" the wrong behaviour... I'd would be equally surprised....
I agree wholeheartedly with Conan that with an infant child you cannot spank them to "discipline" or "correct" a negetive behaviour... but until you've faced a small child who doesn't even ecknowledge your words, your feelings about a quick swat on the ass may change.
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"You went over my helmet??"
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted September 05, 2005 05:11 AM |
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but will it actually make the behavior better, or will the child cry even more because you just hit her? In the experiences I've had, even if few but the observations I've made, I've noticed the child does not stop screaming one the parent has hit the child. If anything, the parent just gave the child a reason to cry.
And the dog analogy is a bad one. I, for one, don't consider an animal like a human. My daughter is much more complexe than my dog and in many ways. I will not a do not treat my dog the same way as my daughter because to me, they are very much different.
In the end, and I say this by experience, when a parent hits a child, it's a release of anger and loss of patience. When I hit my dog to make her change, even if it did not happen many times, I do tend to regret it since I know in the back of my mind that I lost my temper with her and that my patience had reached it's limits. I, as a dog owner, had failed. And I did fail many times as such. But the implications are not as bad as those for my daughter. My dog's psyche is much less complexe than my daughter's and my dog doesn't need to become a productive member of society. 
In any case, I am not against people who do this even if I disagree with it. It's just not the way I choose to raise my child and I will do whatever possible not to hit my child.
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted September 05, 2005 08:29 PM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 5 Sep 2005
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You don't spank a child to silence them (on this i would agree with you) .... you spank a child to punish a negetive behaviour..
You mentioned ignoring negative behaviour, how would you react when that childs negetive behaviour puts their's or someone else's safety in danger?
You can't exactly ignore a child that is hitting another to "dicsourage" the unwanted behaviour...
my point in the end is this:
what does a parent do when positive reinforcement cannot apply to a situation? What does one resort to?
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted September 05, 2005 09:36 PM |
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Edited By: Conan on 5 Sep 2005
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well, I recall in our psych classes that there where for ways for learning/unlearning (if you will  ) a behavior. 2 of those ways are to encourage and 2 of those ways are to discourage the behavior in question.
The first one, the one we are discussing is the punishment. You give something that the child does not want in order for the child to fear the same response in the future. The example would be to give a child a spanking.
The second option to diminish the behavior is to stop giving what a child wants, like taking away a toy, and in my example, giving attention to the child. All children want attention so if you take it away from them and they understand why, then the theory should hold true.
The 2 others would be to encourage behavior by giving something that the child wants or removing something that the child doesn't want.
So in response to your question, it is very true that a behavior that is dangerous to the child or others around her must be stopped and diminished as soon as possible, for the implications of the behavior are very unhealthy. I would remove the child immidiatly and confine the child to a room or a place where the child is safe. If the behavior is the child hurting herself by herself, then I'd supervise the child while in confinment. Of course, these situations rearly occur. Usually, when you remove the child from the area she was (with the others) and you confine her to her room, the behavior will stop. In case of a shopping center, I'd leave the shopping center without even speaking to her, but bringing her with me of course.
Since what I am trying to do here is to minimize the attention I am giving her or minimize the attention she is receiving from anyone for that matter, I would not talk to her while removing her. She could scream all she wants, she would never get my attention. I would resume the attention by entering her room in a set elapsed time and by discussing with her what happened.
Edit: sorry, I just noticed 2 hours after I posted that this might of sounded like a lecture... I wanted to say it was not meant as such, it was written that way because I was jogging my memory at the same time.
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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