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| Thread: Marriage vs Common Law- wife or gf? |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · NEXT» |
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted November 28, 2005 05:53 PM |
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Marriage vs Common Law- wife or gf?
I was asked on the weekend what the difference to me was between getting married or not.
him: "Why get married?" he asked.
me: (blank)
"uh well ... cuz i wanna." was pretty much my answer.
I guess to me getting married is the step before having kids. (I was brought up in a catholic family) but even ignoring that last fact, i guess i believe that in today's day and age, the commitment of one to another seems to be taken lightly, and to me (and my gf as well)
the bond of marriage is a symbolic gesture of my commitment to her, as well as her to me.
We often see that common law relationships are "quicker" to end than when you chose to get married. Stats tend to demonstrate that married couples "try harder" to make things work than the "live in partners".
What are your thoughts on this?
Do you favor marriage to common law? or do you feel that the whole thing is a waste of time?
I'd love to hear what HC thinks.
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted November 28, 2005 05:58 PM |
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Nice to see I provided some food for thought!
Anyways, I'm sure the answers you will get here will be based partly on current laws of the countries the posters live in.
In Canada, there is not much difference getting married or not, when it comes to financial matters. It is probably different in some other parts of the world and I assume some people will talk about this as a motivationnal factor...
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted November 28, 2005 06:04 PM |
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Im expecting at least some referrence to religious beliefs as well...
same as socialization, your upbringing and so on...
(hopefully we don't evaluate marriage on financial gain or loss)
(and i thought i'd let you introduce yourself to the discussion rather than quoting you directly!)
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"You went over my helmet??"
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted November 30, 2005 03:51 AM |
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When I Made The Call . . .
I made the decision to marry my woman after I had lived with her for one full year. We already had our son. I felt it would be important in the long run for my children to know I was fully committed to their mother. I thought that would be important for them. It stems from my parents. My mother was never fully committed to my father.
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Roses Are Red And So Am I
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Lith-Maethor
Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
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posted December 01, 2005 06:40 PM |
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interesting topic...
and ironically... something i am facing at the moment...
well, i was raised a christian (orthodox at that) and my family is rather traditional (sometimes more than i would like) and fairly religious... at least that is what i as a child saw ...growing up of course i got to see under the surface and things were not as picture perfect... still, the same values prevailed... and what is considered normal for my family is "finish studies, get married (in church of course), have two or more kids, keep close ties with family"
now ...as much as i am one of those who say "i have no problem with god, its the fanclub i cannot stand" i would steer clear of a cityhall wedding unless it is the only option (chosen mate is of different religion, etc) ...but that is not the question is it? ...well, honestly it makes no difference for me... getting married does not change how you feel about someone ...nor how faithful you are to her/him ...unfortunately, there is something that changes... and that is legal status and financial obligations... so in the end the answer to "wife or girlfriend" is "wife, due to laws"
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You are suffering from delusions of adequacy.
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted December 02, 2005 03:08 PM |
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Perhaps you have that chance Lith, but where I live, getting married does not make any difference when it comes to financial matters.
Indeed, we have here what is known as "common-law" which means that after a certain amount of years that the 2 of you have been living together, you are given this title and there is absolutly no difference between "common-law" and "married" status.
Which is the root of this thread really and is why I asked Jebus this question, since I knew he did want to get married.
So the question is this: Financial issues put aside, what is the difference?
I think that women answer the question better then men. Most people (look above) get married because it is a traditionnal thing, and such are their values.
That's fine, but then some of these people (not all) tend to spend the value of a brand new car on this "tradition". Is that worth it?
The irony here is that I also will end up getting married. I'm getting married in the carrabeans somewhere, hopefully Cuba and on a beach during sunset. I plan on inviting my immidiate family and my intimate friends. I wish to have a small wedding and celebrate it with the people on this earth that are dear or closest to me.
For me, this wedding is motivationnal for these factors:
- It makes my wife happy. yeah, it is worth it, because she is worth it. I really don't mind making her happy.
- It'll be combined into a nice vacation much needed.
- It will be a celebration of our love and affection together spent with the people that mean the most to us. What I mean is that it's so far that only the people that are really close to me will come. I will not have to make a choice, they will. That way, no feelings get hurt.
I just don't really understand when people get married for tradition and end up blowing big bucks they don't have and end up in debt. (like my brother) I really don't understand spending loads of money because of "tradition". Isn't a wedding something more than a tradition?
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted December 03, 2005 03:49 AM |
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Ah Yes . . .
"Common Law" marriages . . .
I've heard Texas upholds this concept as well. I heard the time table was 6 months.
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I
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draco
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted December 03, 2005 07:39 AM |
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I think the Timetable here is 2 years.
I will end up getting married but its basicaly for religious reasons, that and I dont like the sound of Common Law.
I too am looking at a carribian wedding, perhaps visit some family in mexico and get married then, with only immediate family, and intimate friends. and probably my wife to be...
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Nidhgrin
Honorable
Famous Hero
baking cookies from stardust
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posted December 04, 2005 05:44 PM |
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Quote:
the bond of marriage is a symbolic gesture of my commitment to her, as well as her to me.
As far as I'm concerned, this describes pretty well what catholic marriage means to me. It adds nothing to the relationship as such, but since you can marry only once for the church, partners (like you suggest) maybe think things through more thoroughly before getting married, and stay together longer where a not-married couple would have split up already.
I will never get married for the church, simply because I'm not longer a catholic, so that wouldn't really make sense But I was engaged once, and in a way common law marriage is a symbolic gesture aswell, don't you think?
The reason why common law relationships aswell as catholic marriages break down more quickly nowadays in my opinion is that most couples decide to get married on the basis of being 'in love with' each other. Being in love and loving someone are two totally different things. Being in love is like being high, you lose all perspective and everything looks so much brighter. Depending on the intensity, this feeling can last from several days to two or three years but eventually it does fade. If your relationship is based on nothing more profound than this, it ends along with the feeling of being in love. Ironically this is the kind of 'love' all love songs and poems are all about...
If you feel enough love for your partner to choose for her and to continue to choose for her, you don't need no marriage or other symbolic bond at all. A love relationship is not something you should ever take for granted, married or not, but something you should work on every day to continue to make it work.
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted December 04, 2005 09:19 PM |
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**chuckles** . . .
hehehehe . . . Oh Nidhgrin, how right you are. You poor devil, how right you are. Welcome to the reality of love.
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted December 05, 2005 03:28 PM |
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Edited By: Conan on 5 Dec 2005
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Devil's advocate
Nidhgrin,
When I read your post I noticed you based much of your arguments about the fact that when people get married, it should be for life and that by getting married in a church, it more or less "forces" people to stay together. But is that a really good thing?
Well, some would argue why stay with your partner when you are unhappy.
Getting married when all is going well is one thing, but people change, don't they? Why is it such a big deal to stay with a partner for a whole lifetime? How do we know what our partner will be like in 30 or 40 years from now?
Yeah, we live in a culture that enforces this ideology on us. I'm guilty of it too. We should stay with one partner for the rest of our lifes. And if that parnter changes and you're not happy any longer, what do you do then?
I guess it comes down to what is important for you. Happiness, being "normal", your kid's happiness (to see theire parents together), money? ...
Life is a complex set of questions...
I did, however, very much agree with the last part of your post, the part on making it work every day.
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted December 05, 2005 04:03 PM |
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Conan,
is the last post actually your thoughts on relationships?? (does your present gf and mother of your child know this?)
The point of marriage is not to 'be forced to stay with the same person for life', it`s a commitment to one person that through thick and thin, you`ll try to make things work... marriage (for catholics, and correct me if im wrong) is the corner stone to committing to starting a family and working together to raise kids in the catholic faith.
When I get married, and my future spouse agrees, that it`s for life, and that divorce is not an option.
(of course, we never know what can happen in the long term, but that`s the beauty of marriage, you never know what challenges lie ahead, but you`re a team that has agreed to face those challenges together.)
would you imagine that not long ago, love wasn`t even an issue??
But in your post, you`ve demonstrated the number one reason I would NOT want to be simply in a common law relationship... it`s too easy to abandon.
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted December 05, 2005 04:21 PM |
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Edited By: Conan on 5 Dec 2005
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Quote:
Conan,
is the last post actually your thoughts on relationships?? (does your present gf and mother of your child know this?)
As I said, I was playing devil's advocate. 
(just trying to heat up the debate, or make it interesting.)
Quote:
But in your post, you`ve demonstrated the number one reason I would NOT want to be simply in a common law relationship... it`s too easy to abandon.
Hmmm... I personnaly don't agree. But I can see where you are coming from. It is only harder to abandon a marriage if you have faith. For the rest of us, common law is just as binding as marriage because marriage does not have any religious "meanning" to it.
And that is the reason why I asked you that question, but in the end, you just answered me: because of your faith. Which is as good as any answer!
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted December 05, 2005 04:29 PM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 5 Dec 2005
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ok well since this is an opinion thread... and not so much a argue with your buddy thread 
what are your feelings on long term relationships?
Would you just pick up and leave if things weren`t going well and you guys weren`t happy?? Do you think people today give up too easily in their relationships?
(I know you`ve worked in Social services so Im curious to hear your thoughts)
(aren`t you planning on getting married mister devil`s advocate??)
EDIT:
I hate it when you post something only to find someone edited their post!!
well as long as you like my reason.
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"You went over my helmet??"
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DragonMaster
Known Hero
Master of Dragons
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posted December 09, 2005 07:12 PM |
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If I am allowed to crash in....
I think marriage is overrated.
It is supposed to be a ritual to join two families through the love of two people, but nowadays, I feel it is nothing more than a contract with insurance for failure (wife gets half and stuff like that).
If two people get married, it's because they love each other, and I myself personally would not be pleased to get married and after that be forced to sign legal documents just in case something goes wrong and we get divorced. If you're married, you're bound to still have a visual of the person you fell in love with, maybe hiding the person he/she has become since then, but since you are married, you want to make things work, because you're simply bound together by law. '' 'Till death do us part '' is true, if you truly love your partner and would sacrifice stuff like you job to have a happy relationship. If you are not willing to make changes, you cannot continue with that person, because he/she is, in your mind, not worth it. In that case, I say, do not get married, even if you think this is the one for you.
In this situation, and under other circumstances, it is much better to just be together, as partners, yet not married, it is indeed easier to break off, but if people change, and grow apart, to a point where you don't recocnise the person you first met, you can split up without going through the trouble of signing another set of legal documents and stuff.
As my parents got divorced because of my fathers love for another woman (whom he married not a month after) I know people get married because of their children, but if you want you children to be happy with their parents, you should consider what it does to yours. If you are not happy with your wife/husband you reflect that, and your kids will notice (as did I and my brother) although we were still quiet young.
In short, I feel marriage is a step you should only take if you are both willing to sacrifice things to make it work, and not do it because it is the right thing to do at a given moment.
Please do not take my mere 14 years of experience in life as a way to downgrade my opinion, as some of you here at HC have done before, because anyone has an poinion that counts, based on their experiences, which of course are different for every person, so, do not see me as a 14 year old kid, see me as a person with his own opinion, thank you...
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Russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted December 09, 2005 07:25 PM |
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Quote:
In this situation, and under other circumstances, it is much better to just be together, as partners, yet not married, it is indeed easier to break off, but if people change, and grow apart, to a point where you don't recocnise the person you first met, you can split up without going through the trouble of signing another set of legal documents and stuff.
You wish it would be that easy. But, unfortunately, the lawyers invented something called the "common law marriage". Half a year of living together, a bunch of lawyers and you can have your $10,000,000 house taken away from you by your spouse.
That does complicate things a little, but it could be a good thing in a way, because with the "common law" in place, marriage loses all of its legal meaning, and becomes more of a spiritual thing.
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DragonMaster
Known Hero
Master of Dragons
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posted December 09, 2005 07:29 PM |
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As is my point, that it's about two people, not a law firm. But that law you guys are talking about, I've never heard of it. Could be that here in the Netherlands there is no such thing
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Russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted December 09, 2005 07:32 PM |
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If that is the case, then you people really lucked out
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DragonMaster
Known Hero
Master of Dragons
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posted December 09, 2005 07:35 PM |
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I'd probably never get married anyway...although you can never say never (dang it said it twice) but I have no idea what the use is besides writing down your love in a book at the city hall, I love my way, and nobody has to know who I love but those themselves.
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Russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted December 09, 2005 08:02 PM |
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... and the law firms
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