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| Thread: Just Jokes |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · NEXT» |
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 29, 2007 04:51 AM |
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Poll Question:
Just Jokes
Basically this post has nothing to do with anything. It's just here to make you laugh.
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted January 29, 2007 04:54 AM |
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Good thread.
This could be namely for telling jokes 
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Dreaming of a Better World
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 29, 2007 05:28 AM |
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Thanks.
Yup and thats what im doin starting now.
This is just a thing I found on the forums but I seriously cried when I saw it!
http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=11912
lol heres another
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A
strange woman answers. The guy says, 'Who is
this?'
'This is the maid', answered the woman.
'We don't have a maid!'
'I was just hired this morning by the lady of
the house.'
'Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'
'Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with
someone who I just figured was her husband.'
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, 'Listen,
would you like to make $50,000?'
'What do I have to do?'
'I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den
and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with.'
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears
footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. 'What should
I do with the bodies?'
'Throw them in the swimming pool!'
'What pool?'
'Uh.. is this 832-4821?'
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 29, 2007 05:31 AM |
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Clinton was asked if Monica Lewinsky was lying.
His reply was, "No she was kneeling"
Oh and here's another one:
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 29, 2007 05:31 AM |
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Q: What do you call a smart blonde??
A: A Golden retriever.
and here's another one:
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is
the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3
million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I
can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the
accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know
what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant,
"Wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!,
the money is hidden in a brown suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says, Go to hell, you don't have the guts
to pull the trigger."
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frostwolf
Famous Hero
livin' in a bottle of vodka
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posted January 29, 2007 03:58 PM |
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A jewish guy, a priest, a lawyer, a homosexual, a black man, a blonde, a policeman, and a drunk all walk into a bar. The bartender goes: "You've got to be shi*ing me."
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What can you expect from a world where everybody lives because they're too afraid to commit suicide?
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted January 29, 2007 04:18 PM |
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Moses, Jesus and some old guy decided to go to the country club one day and play some golf.
Moses gets ready, hits the ball, but it falls into a pond. He comes to the edge of the pond, divides the water inside it like he divided the sea in the Bible, hit the ball again and it falls into the hole.
Jesus gets ready, hits the ball, but it falls into a pond again. Jesus walks on water until he reaches it, strikes the ball again and it falls into the hole.
The old guy hits the ball, yet it falls into the pond again. A dolphin emerges from the pond carrying the ball in its mouth, and while it's jumping over the water a hawk passes over and takes the ball into its talons. It flies over the pond, and drops the ball on the ground. Suddenly, an earthquake starts and the ball rolls over to the local bush. A monkey emerges from the bush and takes the ball. It throws the ball into a tree, from where a mountain lion grabs it into its mouth and walks over across the field, finally putting it into the hole.
Jesus turns to the old man and says "Ok, dad, did we come here to play golf or to screw around?!"
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 30, 2007 04:43 AM |
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lol
ok here's one and thanks for the support.
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started
talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said
there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or
an immediate family member's death. One smart
ass, male student said, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom
burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher
glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse,
you can use your other hand to write."
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 30, 2007 04:47 AM |
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Edited by pandora at 05:14, 30 Jan 2007.
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and another to, haha
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them
for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he
notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells
the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what
this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know
when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that
they will stop standing around and will, instead,
lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some
thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them
out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes
and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he concludes that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck
again. He drives them out to the woods, does each
pig twice for good measure, brings them back and
goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the
pigs still just standing around. One more try, he
tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and
drive them out to the woods. He spends all day
shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself
from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife
to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck
and one of them's honking the horn."
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*edited out by Pandora*
Please keep your jokes within the CoC guidelines- also make sure that you edit out any foul language yourself using **** or you will be penalized - thanks.
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 30, 2007 05:06 AM |
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a
sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun
and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender
shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot
my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man,
I'm a Panda! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the
following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling
marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and
leaves."
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and heres a really good one
One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who
were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on
all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
such that going into the final they had a
solid A. These two friends were so confident
going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chemistry final was
on Monday), they decided to go up to Uvirginia
and party with some friends up there. So they did
this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything,
they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather
than taking the final then, what they did was to
find Professor Bonk after the final and explain
to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UV for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to
study, but that they had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get
help for a long time and so were late getting
back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they
could make up the final on the following day. The
two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next
day at the time that Bonk had told them. He
placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They
looked at the first problem, which was something
simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw
on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted January 30, 2007 03:22 PM |
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One day, the seven dwarfs show up at the Vatican and ask to see the pope. He agrees to see them and Grumpy asks him:
"Holy father, is there a nun somewhere in the world that's lower than us?"
"No, there isn't" says the pope.
"Are you completely sure about this?" Grumpy insisted.
"You are dwarfs. Of course there is no nun lower than you guys" the pope tells him. Then all the other dwarfs start laughing and singing:
"Grumpy screwed a penguin, Grumpy screwed a penguin..."
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alcibiades
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
of Gold Dragons
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posted January 30, 2007 03:49 PM |
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Quote:
Thanks.
Yup and thats what im doin starting now.
This is just a thing I found on the forums but I seriously cried when I saw it!
http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=11912
Ha ha that was actually really funny. I especially love the boy in the fore.
Ding Ding!
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What will happen now?
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Evil_Warrior
Famous Hero
Duke of Demon
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posted January 30, 2007 04:12 PM |
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A japanese tourist wants to go to his apartment by taxi. while on his way in the taxi, a Honda City car passes away.
Tourist : "Honda! Made in Japan! Very Fast!!"
Driver : "....................."
Then, a Mazda passes away.
Tourist : "Look that Mazda!! Made in Japan! Very Fast!!"
Driver : "Bah!!"
Everytime Japan-made-car passes away, the tourist always says that the car is very fast as it made in Japan.
Then, when the taxi arrives in front of the tourist's apartment, the tourist becomes angry because the Taxi's costs is too expensive.
Tourist : "What the ****!! How could it be??? That's too expensive!"
Driver : "This Argometre, made in Japan. VERY FAST!!!"
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 30, 2007 10:27 PM |
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hahaha thanks hers another two
Q:A Blonde, Brunette, and Santa Clause all jump
off a bridge, Which on hits first??
A: The Brunette,
because Santa Clause Doesn't Exist,
and the blonde has to stop and ask for directions
This guy keeps falling asleep in church and his
wifes getting sick of it. She decides she'll
bring a pin to church with her and poke him when
he starts falling asleep. They're in church that
next sunday and he starts falling asleep right as
the preachers saying, "and the lord god created
the heavens and the earth." His wife pokes him
and he jumps up yelling "HALLELUIA!!" The
preacher, looking startled, says "very good, very
good." A little while later he starts falling
asleep again as the preachers saying, "and the
lord parted the red sea for moses". His wife
pokes him and he jumps up yelling, "PRAISE THE
LORD!!" The preacher exclaims, "very good, very
good!" A little while later he falls asleep again
just as the preacher says, "and what did eve say
to adam after they had their second child?" His
wife pokes him again and he jumps up yelling,
"STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN AND I'M GONNA BREAK
IT OFF!"
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 30, 2007 10:45 PM |
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oh and heres another two
There were three gentlemen waiting at the pearly
gates. St. Peter comes out and says, "I've got
some disappointing news for two of you. We are
having some problems in our admissions area. I
can only let one of you come into heaven today.
I can get the other two tomorrow, but only one
today."
St. Peter continued to explain, "The person who
can tell the best story how they died will be the
one who comes in to heaven today." The gentlemen
thought this was fair.
The first man stood up to St. Peter and began:
"I knew my wife was cheating on me, I rushed home
from work, flew open the door and there she was,
lying on the couch, naked. I knew I caught her!
I ran all through the apartment. Upstairs,
downstairs, under the bed, in the closets,
Nothing! I was just about to apologize to her
when I heard a Scratch, Scratch, Scratch at the
window. I opened the window and there he was,
hanging from the windowsill. I grabbed a skillet
and banged him on the head. I watched him fall
down down down, but he landed in some bushes. I
was still flaming with adrenaline! I edged our
refrigerator over to the window and it was just
about to fall when I noticed my coat was hooked
to the frige. So down I fall to my death."
St. Peter couldn't help but be shocked! He said,
"That was a great story! You are sure to be the
winner today."
The next man steps up and says, "Well, I was a
window washerman. I was doing my job one
afternoon when all of a sudden the ropes broke and
I'm falling to my death. I had my arms raised up
to God praying to catch me. At one moment my
hands caught a window ledge, I was saved!! I was
giving my thanks and trying to get the people
inside to open the window by scratching at the
window when all of a sudden a crazy man opened the
window and beaned me with a skillet. Once again I
was falling to my death. But once again, I was
being watched. I fell into a nice group of bushes.
As I opened my eyes to thank God, a refrigerator
was screaming down at me. That is my story."
St. Peter was stunned. He looked at the last man
and said, "You better have a good story, because
the last man had a doozy!"
The last man smiled and said, "OK, picture this,
Naked, hiding in a refrigerator..."
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The night before a couple were about to be
married, they both were killed in a car
accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked
St. Peter if they could still get married.
The couple were called in to actually see God.
God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not
right now. It may be a few days or a few years,
but I will allow you to be married.'
Five years came and went and the couple were
finally call upon to get married. After one day
of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see
if they could get a divorce. They were sure the
marriage would not last.
God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get
a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much
longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'
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wog_edn
Promising
The Nothingness
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posted January 31, 2007 01:23 AM |
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Man ask: "Why did you make the woman so pretty?"
God answer: "So you can love her."
Man ask: "But why did you make her so stupid?"
God answer: "So she can love you."
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted January 31, 2007 02:08 AM |
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,
every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he
pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant
- an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and
he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell
you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm
not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll
take it."
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No
problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came
in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over,
gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Crazyjp13
Tavern Dweller
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posted February 03, 2007 07:15 PM |
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Here's A Lesson For Ya
Healthy Eating
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram
of water 1 degree Celsius. Translated into
meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a
very cold dessert (generally consisting of water
in large part), the natural processes which raise
the consumed dessert to body temperature during
the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories
out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0
degrees C (32.2 deg F) will in a short time be
raised to the normal body temperature of 37
degrees C (98.6 deg F).
For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes
approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law,
6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg x 37 deg x 168 gm)
are extracted from body fat as the dessert's
temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the
dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately
5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the
better off you are and the faster you will lose
weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very
cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer
contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036
calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the
temperature normalizing process. Thus the net
calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate
that 12,240 calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are
extracted from the body in the process of drinking
a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more
beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt
them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg C) and an
additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to
body temperature. The results here are really
remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an
excuse to drink pop, pizza (loaded with latent
calories and served above body temperature)
induces an opposite effect. But,thankfully, as
the astute reader should have already reasoned,
the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer
with pizza and follow up immediately with large
bowls of ice cream.
We should all be thin very soon if we adhere
religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream
diet.
Happy eating!
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texcaboose
Known Hero
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posted February 04, 2007 05:32 PM |
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She read drinking was bad, so she quit drinking.
She read smoking was bad, so she quit smoking.
she read sex was bad, so she quit reading.
ha!
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Ted
Promising
Supreme Hero
Peanut Exterminator
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posted February 04, 2007 07:14 PM |
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Q. Why was Henry the Eighth good at chess?
A. Because he had six queens
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