|
| Thread: A little love story |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · NEXT» |
|
Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
|
posted December 19, 2015 03:17 PM |
|
|
A little love story
No, not mine  It's about my cousin, really. He's a bit on the crossroads, and I'd like to gather some feedback for him, on his behalf.
A while ago, my cousin (let's call him "C." for short) met a girl he's always dreamt of: beautiful (I admit personally - she is.), smart, and very artistic (a painter and a singer).
However, as most "too good to be true" things, there was a catch... the girl had some personality issues. After being fiercely in love with some random kid for quite a while (three years) and getting dumped in the end, she felt burnt out, and had some issues with feeling proper emotions. At least that's what she was telling him.
They were dating for some time, several months, and C. fell in love with the girl. However, he always used to say that she feels a little disconnected and distant.
Growing anxious, C. tried to talk with the girl couple times, but she told him that she just needs time to start "feeling" again and that she's not sure if she will truly love him, as she feels incapable of feeling deep emotions at the moment, but he's worth every second spent with him and she'll try.
Hearing that, I advised him to dump her, because in the past I had an extremely similar case. C. however felt that it's an opportunity: that as a male with average height, average muscle mass and average.. well, you-know-what, he won't have many opportunities to date a stunning beauty with a sharp intellect.
However, even he couldn't feel good with the constant anxiousness and overall awkwardness of the situation. After confronting her yet another time, he finally admitted that it isn't working. What totally broke him was when she said she felt "nothing at all" when making out with him, even though she "really wanted to".
However, instead of dumping her, he begged her to rethink the situation, to try a therapy again (she had one after the breakup with her prince charming, it didn't work that well), and offered his support. He also ensured her that he really wants to be with her, but it just feels impossible with her emotional blockade.
Two weeks later, when chatting with her, she admitted she has found herself a boyfriend. TWO WEEKS AFTER.
So, C. was literally devasted. Took me some time to "nurture his mind" back on track and out of the cuckoo land. Eventually, C. found a girl he liked, and they got in relationship, going for several months now.
However, eventually, the "artist" girl contacted him again. She's dumped her boyfriend, because "he was a liar"; C. felt a mixture of relief, joy and sadness, but agreed to meet with her. A couple of innocent "dates" later, he already contemplates on dumping his girlfriend to try a relationship with the "artist" again. When asked about this, he said "she has changed", but admits that she changed only a bit. When asked of his current relationship, he says that it's fine, but lacks a "punch" and that he always wanted a "stunning" girlfriend (visually) and his current one feels "average" in that department.
Personally, I think it's a big mistake, but I don't want to patronize him. However, I am quite interested in what people think, and so is he.
So feel free to give feedback:
what do you think about this whole situation?
what would you do in his shoes?
Do you think that beauty enough is worth all of that?
____________
We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
|
|
Zenofex
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 03:32 PM |
|
Edited by Zenofex at 15:33, 19 Dec 2015.
|
|
I'd personally answer him "Do whatever you want but be ready to face the consequences - if you don't think you can handle them, drop the bull**** now." Especially if the "punchless" girl is actually worth it in other areas beside the not-so-stunning visuals, with time that becomes more and more important. If it is like you explain it, he doesn't sound like a guy who can take crises well and she is not someone you can rely on. Frankly the whole thing sounds like a early-20s crush - without underestimating the head-messing power of such ventures one bit (been there), it would be better to knock some sense into his head which he'd later probably regret lacking at the moment.
|
|
Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 03:41 PM |
|
|
he's 24. She's 21. So you're right on that
His current girlfriend is (IMHO) an awesome person: very friendly, very reliable, very smart, very loyal and she loves him to the death. And they have many common interests.
His only issue (and a big issue, it seems) is her "average" exterior: she's not ugly, but she's not pretty either.
____________
We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
|
|
artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 03:51 PM |
|
|
Sounds like he doesn't love her but "her kind of girl." If he was deeply in love, no advice would change his decision anyway but in this case, I second Zenofex. If he thinks it's worth the emotional risk (which won't be so devastating when you are not in for all, anyway), give it a go.
It's kind of ironic that he's about to do to her current girlfriend what the stunning one did to him. But you can't base romance on justice, it's all about if it works or not. Some effort will go a long way if the relationship is worth it though, people give up too easy these days and they are hasty on boredom without actually giving anything into a relationship within themselves, like it's some sort of shopping on a mall. You can never feel satisfied if you constantly and only want more.
And please, please tell me this is not one of those situations in which your "friend/cousin" is actually you.
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
|
|
Zenofex
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 04:01 PM |
|
|
|
Bah, at this age there's nothing even remotely close to maturity, girls in general look for the guy with the shiniest car and the biggest drill while boys put the girl's sex-appeal above everything else, quite often unconditionally. Even the smart ones on both sides. There are exceptions of course but that doesn't seem to be one of them. He'll probably break his head anyway, advices or no advices, question is whether he can handle a potentially (and seemingly likely) bad outcome emotionally and if he'll emerge smarter after that. The current girlfriend... whatever happens he'll not stay with her for long it seems. Except if she's REALLY forgiving - he's already cheating on her, one way or another - and he gets over his femme fatale affection somehow.
|
|
Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 04:18 PM |
|
|
artu said:
And please, please tell me this is not one of those situations in which your "friend/cousin" is actually you.
I always wrote about myself when it was me So no 
I think it is an "issue" as old as humanity itself... attractive girl vs. cool, fun, faithful but somewhat average (visually) one.
C. is somewhat torn because he always considered himself very average. I think the situations where random pedestrians were glaring at the artist he was with kinda got to his head and boosted his ego - in a "wow, look what I picked up!" way.
And there's of course all sorts of facebook e-peen boosters, with his friends drooling over that girl.
People are really into vanity and that's what he really wants from his relationship it seems: something other people will be jealous of.
____________
We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
|
|
artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 04:22 PM |
|
Edited by artu at 16:22, 19 Dec 2015.
|
@Zenofex
I don't think there's anything new about most people caring about financial income and similar stuff, if anything, it was more direct in the old days, you used to go to the girl's father and offer him this many sheep and that many cows etc.
What changed recently when it comes to urban relationships is the internet and cell phones. Back in my twenties, they weren't this common and platforms like Facebook didn't exist, so people actually had to put effort to interact with alternatives and if they weren't significantly in search of something new, they didn't do that. Today, everybody is in constant connection with too many potential flirts, and with ideology constantly pumping "what you want, you deserve it, go get it, listen to yourself" etc, it creates a vacuum of desire where everything can turn quite superficial very easily.
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
|
|
Zenofex
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 04:48 PM |
|
|
|
I know, my point is that's how things are - the reason isn't that important. Having a crush is one thing but maintaining a relationship which evolves into something more is something completely different and in the long run only the latter matter, if your aim isn't a one night stand of course. That's where the brain has to keep the emotions in check and remind the hormone-infested wretch that you actually need both sides to have similar interest in each other and feel similarly in order to hope for something lasting. When you're 20-25, you're usually too inexperienced, naive and confused to bother with such thoughts, everything is "here and now" and reason be damned. Like I said, I don't underestimate these crushes at all, right now I'm having one with a girl who has a boyfriend so no matter how much I remind myself to look elsewhere, there's some ba$tard at the back of my head who keeps trying to impress her whenever he gets the chance ((un)luckily there's another one who supervises him not to go too far).
|
|
Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
|
|
posted December 19, 2015 05:40 PM |
|
|
For one, what is the C searching for? Just dating the looks and boosting own self esteem in the process, 'can't' be the only reasons. There gotta be some sparkles, I have dated shallow girls in the past, you gotta ask yourself what does this relationship/game give me and what i really want.
For what we have heard, only one can think that it will not end happily. Another is the new relationship, what that gives. Hard things, hope that you'r cousin don't hurt himself in the process.
____________
Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
|
|
Galaad
Hero of Order
Li mort as morz, li vif as vis
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 03:54 AM |
|
Edited by Galaad at 04:13, 20 Dec 2015.
|
Doomforge said:
His only issue (and a big issue, it seems) is her "average" exterior
Sorry for coming out a bit blunt but what is she to him then, a placeholder? When you love your partner to you she's beautiful, even if she's objectively average. Sounds like they should just be friends (not really possible anymore though since you said she loves him to death), to me the whole thing sounds like he's nuts for the other girl and will eventually end his current relationship sooner or later no matter what happens. IMO he should try again with the artist, but the "she doesn't feel anything when making out" part sounds awfully bad so he needs to keep that in mind and be prepared for being single for a while in eventual case of failure.
____________
|
|
Kayna
Supreme Hero
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 06:46 AM |
|
Edited by Kayna at 06:49, 20 Dec 2015.
|
If she is far more attractive than he is as a man, going her way is just following his dick. Let's be honest, she'll find another man later. A girlfriend too hot is just too much trouble if he's not at least 5 foot 10 with impressive muscles to repel the other cocks around.
Both partners must have a roughly equal amount of goods to offer each other, or else it will probably not last. Well, I read somewhere that pretty bipolar girls are known to get ugly boyfriends.
My suggestion to him would be to first look at himself in the mirror and see what he has to offer, from physical appearance to personality to money to intelligence and strength and yada yada. Then, he should compare himself to these two girls. Note that often, the man has to offer more on the table, and that's why you're gonna see a fat girl with a guy in shape while walking the streets once in a while.
If his current girlfriend offers something similar to himself, he should keep her. If she's that uninteresting, he's probably going to dump her later on though, so he might as well go for the hot looking gal for some short lived fun, with the expectation of getting dumped again in the future, because she obviously need a man near her at all times and he's just a filler. If he's a normal guy that wants a pretty girl, he better start training right now and find every way to isolate her from the rest of the world whenever she wants, with a place to live and a car, so yeah. Muscle and money.
|
|
mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 08:23 AM |
|
|
The artist girl is unstable and he's not attracted to his current girlfriend. Maybe he should break up with his current one and not start a relationship with his new/old one. Getting back together is a bad idea to begin with, and the factors of her quickly getting together with another guy and that she hasn't changed much all count against her even more.
Wanting a relationship to make other people jealous is a bad motivation.
____________
Eccentric Opinion
|
|
JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 09:29 AM |
|
|
Doomforge said:
what do you think about this whole situation?
Hopeless for your friend - both relationships have no future. He doesn't really want what he has, but won't get what he wants.
Quote:
What would you do in his shoes?
I wouldn't be in that situation. But as it is, there are 3 ways to go:
1) Staying with his current. Won't work - he'll forever ask himself whether he might have missed something great (and blame her for it, unconsciousl, at least).
2) Breaking up with his current and making another serious effort; won't work either, since he'll feel obligated to be special all the time and make up for his "averageness". Won't work either, because she'll leave him as soon as he tires and another glowing star is crossing her orbit.
3) Be honest with his current girlfriend, tell her, he has to make that try, is sure he'll fall flat on his face and will see a lot better what he has with her. Something of a long short, but probably the only way to come out of all with no total loss.
Otherwise, he'll end up with nothing - except, of course, a lot of experience which may come in handy later.
Quote:
Do you think that beauty enough is worth all of that?
OUTER beauty is in the eye of the beholder and a chimera, that doesn't last and is very easily destroyed. A human being is a very complex thing, and in the end it's the full package that makes a human beautiful, not just looks.
|
|
Drakon-Deus 
Undefeatable Hero
Nixonite
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 10:01 AM |
|
|
Forget the past, focus on the present, because the future is now.
But love is... unusual
|
|
friendofgunnar
Honorable
Legendary Hero
able to speed up time
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 10:35 AM |
|
|
haha, I found myself in a similar situation today when I was having lunch with a hot chick who was mentally unstable.
I mean really hot.
and really unstable.
I'm not actively pursuing it but I think if there was any movement on her end I'd allow myself to get sucked into her vortex of insanity. There's just something about hot women that short-circuits guys brains.
So basically DD I'm saying there's absolutely nothing you can possibly say to your cousin that'll stop this train wreck from happening
|
|
markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 11:56 AM |
|
|
Unfortunately Fog probably called it, unless 'C' will realize he's truly in lust. (some said the early 20s things and that's the same)
About <ahem> beautiful maidens, one should always be ready for them to be weak and driven by constant attention, one way or another; at since she is young, there is lots of temptation ahead for her to wreck 'C's life <imo> He should be looking for a girl that, among the other things, is also 'beautiful on the inside.'
How is C going to deal with the same garbage at 30? and 40? if she never settles down? Good time to flee the scene now. while he can recover and set-up his life in good order. Relationships are commitments and he shouldn't cast away his heart and life like he's playing the lottery and hoping for a one in a million. It's his call but I would never make it.
I enjoy love and loving and want no skin-deep beauty.
____________
"Do your own research"
|
|
Doomforge
Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 12:07 PM |
|
|
Well, that's more or less what I think too, guys.
We talked about it yesterday, I reminded him how fast she forgot about him in the arms of another and that she obviously didn't care one bit. He agreed with me, with some hesitation, but the issue is that his current girlfriend's "averageness" seems to torment him for some reason.
What he says is basically this : "when we're together, it's awesome and I feel happy, but when we go out and I compare her to the beauty that i.e. sits two tables away from us, it's like a kick in the nuts and I feel like a loser."
Seems to me that it's less about those particular women here and more about some serious complex.
____________
We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
|
|
Galaad
Hero of Order
Li mort as morz, li vif as vis
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 12:57 PM |
|
Edited by Galaad at 13:04, 20 Dec 2015.
|
Doomforge said:
We talked about it yesterday, I reminded him how fast she forgot about him in the arms of another and that she obviously didn't care one bit.
From what I understood is your cousin who ended the relationship because he couldn't bare her distance right? It's very typical to go into someone else arms after a break-up, some people can feel especially vulnerable at these times and I know some very beautiful women who then start to lower their self-esteem and they need to be reassured. It doesn't necessarily means she does not care about him, but from what you said it looks like she doesn't feel lust for him and MAYBE that is because he feels insecure in his inner self.
Quote:
What he says is basically this : "when we're together, it's awesome and I feel happy, but when we go out and I compare her to the beauty that i.e. sits two tables away from us, it's like a kick in the nuts and I feel like a loser."
Well if all he really cares about is what people think about him instead of seeking for a healthy relationship JJ hits nail on the head, he'd be better off single for now, for the sake of his current gf who's heart he will inevitably break and his own, as it seems he's dating both these girls for the wrong reason. But then again, are you completely sure all he cares about the artist is her looks? Because from what you depicted in the OP the crush he has on her seems pretty serious.
____________
|
|
Zenofex
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 01:21 PM |
|
|
|
The "looks" are never just "looks". One woman can have the perfect man-killer genes but have such a terrible character, manners or lack of intellect that the initial, hard-coded in every man good impression melts in no time, leaving only some "what a bloody waste of beauty" feeling. Obviously there's more.
|
|
Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
|
|
posted December 20, 2015 01:45 PM |
|
|
Idk your cousin seems pretty daft, I mean being in a relationship that brought no joy or satisfaction even if it is with an eyecandy is totally detrimental to the whole point of being in a commited relationship. It seems to me that he's simply holding onto hope that he can both have the cake and eat it, i.e that he snagged himself an attractive woman and now he also wants her to have a golden personality (and into him), while I'm sure there's women out there that are thus, this chick don't sound like it.
____________
"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness." Jenny
|
| |
|
|
