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| Thread: Pertinent information about the US military |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · NEXT» |
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The_Gootch
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posted July 17, 2002 06:18 PM |
bonus applied. |
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Pertinent information about the US military
I tracked down all of the different oaths of enlistment that each service has. Any garbage you might've heard about 'I swear to defend and uphold the Constitution of the United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic' is a bunch of bull. Here are the real oaths of enlistment. Note: I already posted the navy's awhile ago, so I'm not bothering with it again.
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________
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U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ U.S.
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U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted July 18, 2002 09:59 PM |
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Hmm, I'm surprised I missed this (infact any)thread.
Yes people. Dont join ifyou cant hang with the oaths
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The_Gootch
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Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
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posted November 06, 2002 11:36 PM |
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Such a great post only got one reply?!!?
I'm insulted.
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted November 06, 2002 11:36 PM |
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Wolfman
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Insomniac
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posted November 06, 2002 11:56 PM |
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That is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. You obviously know nothing about the military. There is more knowledge in the U.S. military than you give them credit for. On September 11, Bush was rushed to Offutt Air Force Base and into a special room where the real decisions are made. I have been in that room.
I can't believe you got a bonus applied for that!
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted November 07, 2002 12:02 AM |
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Um Wolfman... Gootch is a Marine.
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Wolfman
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Insomniac
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posted November 07, 2002 12:07 AM |
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I don't care, that is crap!
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privatehudson
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Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
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posted November 07, 2002 12:47 AM |
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Hasn't he forgotten to add that the air force guys swear to the fact that they can't read maps or identify the enemy targets from the allied ones? 
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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IYY
Responsible
Supreme Hero
REDACTED
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posted November 07, 2002 12:48 AM |
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privatehudson
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Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
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posted November 07, 2002 01:20 AM |
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The following is just a script of a sound file I downloaded once which I found hillarious. Before anyone gets upset, it's a joke and not a dig at america! It's meant to be a answerphone message.
Thank you for calling the United States Armed Forces. All of our units are busy assisting other customers in various trouble spots around the world. When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, the nature of your crisis and a number where we can reach you. As soon as we've finished cleaning up the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, Y2K and our compulsary "considerations of the feelings of others" orientation classes, we'll be happy to return your call. Please press "1" now for further options.
If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, underfunded and close to the ocean, Press "1" for the United States Marine Corps.
If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, please press "2" for the United States Air Force.
If your crisis can be solved with a lot of grey flanel, flags and a really good marching band press "3" for the United States Navy. Please note the tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first come, first served basis.
If your crisis in non-urgent, press "4" for the rapid deployment force.
If you are in real trouble press "5" for the US Army Special Operations Command Center. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsary credit check has been processed. Please note that the army's special command may bill your account at any time, and the actual specifics of the charges will be........ classified.
If you'd like to JOIN the US Armed Forces, where you'll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work long hours, risk your life in all kinds of weather and terrain, whilst watching congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed over army recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.
Thank you for calling the United States Armed Forces Hotline.
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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Wolfman
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Supreme Hero
Insomniac
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posted November 07, 2002 01:36 AM |
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That is funny, what the GOOCH wrote is terrible.
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IYY
Responsible
Supreme Hero
REDACTED
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posted November 07, 2002 02:17 AM |
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That is just LOL  and what Gooch wrote is also very funny.
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privatehudson
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The Ultimate Badass
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posted November 07, 2002 03:12 AM |
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Navy's don't recruit you, they press gang you 
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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bort
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Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted November 07, 2002 05:38 AM |
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For the record, I thought what Gootch wrote was funny.
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LichKing
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Known Hero
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posted November 07, 2002 06:28 AM |
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Great post, Gooch
Not bad at all, especially for a jarhead
Now, let us cast all fiction aside and I will tell you a true story from my old army days. I remember it well, and I can attest to its accuracy because I was there.
A marine captain was leading a whole brigade of jarheads on a forced march.
As they marched past a hill the captain was enraged when he looked up to the top of it and saw an army private flipping him the bird.
He ordered his formation to stop and then sent 3 young marines up to the top of the hill to "kick that army punk's ass and teach him a lesson!!!"
Well, the jarheads got to the top of the hill and attacked the army private, and suddenly all that could be seen was a cloud of dust from all the commotion going on. Soon the dust settled and the captain was dismayed to see all 3 of his men come rolling down to the bottom of the hill--graveyard dead.
So now the captain is really peeved and he sends a whole platoon to take this private out and bring back his head. They rush the hill and disappear on the other side of it, and after several minutes here they all come rolling back down, one after another--graveyard dead.
The captain is pissed. He turns and screams at then entire brigade to storm the hill and not leave a single identifible piece of the private behind to be found. They run screaming up the hill, disappear behind it, and start rolling back down one after another--dead, dead, dead, graveyard dead!!
The last remaining marine rolls down to the bottom of the hill, and in the true spirit of a dedicated soldier uses his last few dying breaths to crawl over to the feet of his captain. He looked up, and his last words were: "Sir........there were 2 of them!"
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SOUND THE CHARGE!! INTO GLORY RIDE!!!
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tuapui
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Poetic Psycho Baby BlackDragon
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posted November 07, 2002 09:33 AM |
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I bet everyone heard of the joke about the guy who cant hit anything with a firearm, and was unable to shoot himself either. There is another joke, maybe not very common. There was this private, and he could'nt shoot for nuts. He had an automatic, a machine gun, a sniper rifle, and even a bazooka, but he could not hit the target. So, the drill instructer said, "you know once there was this guy who couldn't shoot, and I told him to go shoot himself, and he could'nt hit himself. So you know what I did?" And then he pulled out a pistol and shot the private.
If you were thinking, "bullsnow", I couldn't agree better. To tell you the truth, the drill instructor missed. Happy ending.  Moral of the story, don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you.
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 <<<Hy
peractive Do not touch.
Highly Psychotically Poetic.
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The_Gootch
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Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
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posted November 07, 2002 01:18 PM |
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*Grins @ Wolfman*
On the subject of humor.
This is about the most PG military joke I've ever heard.
A priest dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who immediately offers to give the priest a tour of his new home.
"We have a great 1 bedroom apartment available for you. It's comfy, it's cozy, it's your reward for a life of spreading god's word."
Just then, a marine drill instructor went up to the pearly gates. St. Peter told the priest, I need to take care of this one...care to accompany me?"
The priest nodded his assent. St. Peter greeted the drill instructor and proceeded to list off his rather luxurious accomodations in heaven...5 bedroom penthouse suite on beach front property...the works.
The priest was taken aback. "St. Peter", he said, "I don't understand. My entire adult life I have been devoted to god and for my reward...well...it seems paltry in comparison with this man."
St. Peter turned to the priest and explained, "Well sir, during your sunday sermons, at least half of the congregation slept through or paid it no heed. Now that drill instructor over there? HE REALLY MADE THOSE RECRUITS PRAY!"
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bort
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Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted November 07, 2002 01:39 PM |
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Slightly different version of Gootch's joke that I heard about lawyers.
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who immediately offers to give the priest a tour of his new home.
"We have a great 1 bedroom apartment available for you. It's comfy, it's cozy, it's your reward for a life of spreading god's word."
Just then, a lawyer went up to the pearly gates. St. Peter told the Pope, I need to take care of this one...care to accompany me?"
The Pope nodded his assent. St. Peter greeted the drill instructor and proceeded to list off his rather luxurious accomodations in heaven...5 bedroom penthouse suite on beach front property...the works.
The Pope was taken aback. "St. Peter", he said, "I don't understand. My entire adult life I have been devoted to god and for my reward...well...it seems paltry in comparison with this man."
St. Peter turned to the Pope and explained, "Well sir, that's because we get tons of Popes here, but that's the first lawyer we've ever had who managed to get here!"
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tuapui
Famous Hero
Poetic Psycho Baby BlackDragon
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posted November 07, 2002 02:28 PM |
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talkin of St.Peter jokes, there was this three women who went to heaven. St. Peter was in charge of accessing them. So, St. Peter interviewed them one by one. They were asked the same question: "Have you ever been unfaithful to your husband" The first woman replied that she never ever cheated on her husband. With that, St. Peter gave her a gold key to heaven. The second woman, though, was not so faithful. She explained how it was all cicumstancial, and gave different reasons. St. Peter nodded in understanding and gave her a silver key instead. The third woman was dressed in a bunny outfit. When asked the question, she never refrained from the truth. She told of her cheating and the number of husbands she had, and was proud of it. So, St. Peter, a very understanding person, nodded and passed her a key. The woman was curious, and asked how she was still allowed to go to heaven, given her faults. St Peter replied simply, "That is my room key"
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peractive Do not touch.
Highly Psychotically Poetic.
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The_Gootch
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posted April 09, 2003 10:47 PM |
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I've seen this in its many inceptions. In my outfit's case, it really fits.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that my friends, is how marine corps policy begins.
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