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| Thread: Cat Bathing as a Martial Art |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 · NEXT» |
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted October 18, 2002 02:46 PM |
bonus applied. |
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Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
I don't normally do this, but when this one showed up in my mailbox, I fell off my chair laughing. So sorry for the forward, but trust me, it's a good one.
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penny.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
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privatehudson
Responsible
Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
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posted October 18, 2002 02:59 PM |
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LOOOOOOOOOL
Mind you I was kinda thinking of another cat...... but ignore me 
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted October 18, 2002 03:11 PM |
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I honestly hadn't even thought about that... Although, since she's taking kick boxing now, it could be a possibility...
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privatehudson
Responsible
Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
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posted October 18, 2002 03:16 PM |
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Hmmmmmmmmmmm yes must stop those naughty thoughts......
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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Wolfman
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Insomniac
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posted October 18, 2002 03:38 PM |
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Did you write that or did you get it off of a joke website?
It is very funny though, my puppies acted like that the first time I gave them a bath.
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted October 18, 2002 03:54 PM |
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E-mail forward. I wish I had written it.
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Lith-Maethor
Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
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posted October 18, 2002 04:54 PM |
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LMAO
one more reasons I don't like cats 
...no, not that Cat
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You are suffering from delusions of adequacy.
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tuapui
Famous Hero
Poetic Psycho Baby BlackDragon
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posted October 18, 2002 05:15 PM |
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You don't BATHE cats. well, at least I don't. They are terribly agile and I fear it is difficult to put them anywhere else but between my teeth. Oh just a comment.
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 <<<Hy
peractive Do not touch.
Highly Psychotically Poetic.
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Zephyr
Hired Hero
Patiently waiting
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posted October 18, 2002 07:16 PM |
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Very Funny!
I used to raise Persian cats and one vet that I went to was stupid enough to think that cats don't need baths either. There is nothing nastier that a long-haired cat that didn't quite make their last trip to the bathroom all neat and tidy.
Most of the cats I bathed behaved themselves quite nicely but there were a few that I was tempted to strangle while I had them in the tub.
The author of the e-mail got things pretty close.
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The one who seeks to pluck the stars will miss the jewels at his feet.
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KittenAngel
Supreme Hero
Lee's wifey
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posted October 18, 2002 09:13 PM |
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LMAO, that was cute! AHEM btw Lith just remember I am a CAT here!!!
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Never wear anything that panics
the cat.
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Neptunus
Tavern Dweller
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posted October 19, 2002 02:05 AM |
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There must be a simpler way though... Why can't somebody use a simple tree, a simple chain, a simple soft collar and an even simpler hose ?
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted October 19, 2002 03:24 AM |
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Yes, PH.....i was thinking the "other" cat too.....LOL.....Cat taking kickboxing in the shower........Hmm......hehehe
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted October 19, 2002 04:42 AM |
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SInging in the shower can be more deadlier then Martial arts.
Can you imagine hearing Andi singing death metal in the shower 
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Dreaming of a Better World
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted October 19, 2002 04:45 AM |
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LMMFAO.....Singing in German.....lol, thats scary......
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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KittenAngel
Supreme Hero
Lee's wifey
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posted October 19, 2002 08:52 AM |
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theres nothing wrong with the german language! I am german so i think it is quite cool!
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Never wear anything that panics
the cat.
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted October 19, 2002 09:01 AM |
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German women are sooo cute 
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Dreaming of a Better World
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tuapui
Famous Hero
Poetic Psycho Baby BlackDragon
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posted October 19, 2002 09:08 AM |
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Bootlicking lowly suckup extremus bah!
I think german women are handsome 
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<<<Hy
peractive Do not touch.
Highly Psychotically Poetic.
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AzureMajesty
Promising
Adventuring Hero
Gaea Mother Earth
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posted October 19, 2002 10:12 AM |
bonus applied. |
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This is another I received in a email many times, felt it kind of belonged here.
How To Feed Pills to Cats and Dogs
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG:
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.
This might be the reason I have 3 collies & only 1 cat, the cats name is Salem but I call him "Norman Bates" for obvious reasons. hehe
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tuapui
Famous Hero
Poetic Psycho Baby BlackDragon
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posted October 19, 2002 05:23 PM |
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Hehehe....It is safe to deduce that cats (kittens) are vicious and they bite (scratch, claw, rip, tear, ...etc..). It is also safe to deduce that dogs are not so intelligent. Either way, dogs should be kept as household pets rather than cats.
Tips To rid the Cat with minimal casualties.
Equipment:
Cage (Steel, preferably adamantine.)
Automatic Sentry Gun (with laser, heat and ultra sensor targeting. Any other will not hit.)
Spike trap (with special in built containment unit)
Powered Armor (again preferably adamantine)
Flamethrower (with 360 degree flame action)
If you do not have these, you'll have to do with paperclips and rubberband, and a supersoaker. Wear as many layers of wool as possible. And of course, try to get the cage.
Do not get a dog. They will end up in your arms, leaving you disabled
Look for kitty. Should be around here somewhere. Motion Tracker comes in handy. Is he behind the sofa? Let's take a look. ARGH! MY EYES!!! Now where did the bugger go? Reload weapon. Set traps or automated sentry gun, if not, ask dad or sibling to stand guard. Go to bedroom. AHHH AMBUSH! Unload clip, flame room, if not, shoot water. (WARNING: note that water gets them berserk.) Where is? Go out. Find sentry gun destroyed, trap triggered or relative sprawled on the floor in pool of blood from scratching. Ready weapon. You are the only one left. Concentrate on motion tracker. Play scary music in background. Backup to corner. Call mom on handphone to say you tried. Hang up. Pray. Write will. Say you're sorry.
Disclaimer: We tried. We're sorry. We will not take any responsibilty for any mishap, fatality, or death resulted in the use of this guide.
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<<<Hy
peractive Do not touch.
Highly Psychotically Poetic.
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KittenAngel
Supreme Hero
Lee's wifey
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posted October 19, 2002 05:45 PM |
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LMAO Azure, thats sounds a bit like me and taking pills
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Never wear anything that panics
the cat.
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