|
|
JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
|
posted December 20, 2008 01:26 PM |
|
|
Those are the moments I usually end up throwing the guy with anything I can get my hands on.
____________
DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
|
|
Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
|
|
posted December 20, 2008 03:03 PM |
|
|
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
____________
|
|
Vidoja
Bad-mannered
Known Hero
Checker for Heroes Competiton
|
|
posted January 11, 2009 03:20 PM |
|
|
Hey, I saw those jokes about Norwegians so I thought that I could tell you a few jokes from the Balkans. I think they won't be funny to anyone who is not a bit familiar with the situation, but here goes:
#1
An Albanian that committed a crime in Serbia is being chased by an officer. He is finally caught by the officer. The Albanian starts begging him:"Please, don't take me in jail, I love Serbs, I really love Serbs. And the officer says in Croatian accent: "Mate, I don't care about that!"
#2
The Prime Minister of Montenegro, Milo Đukanović, is driving around in a brand new Mercedes. He suddenly hits a tree and his car crashes. Three brothers that were working on a field near-by came to help him. Milo than says: "Thank you for getting me out of that car. Each one of you can tell me what you want and I will give you that. After all, I'm in charge." The first one wished for a house by the sea. The second one wished for a Mercedes like Milo had before the crash. The third one wished for a Milo Djukanovic sculpture. When years passed, Milo went to see how each of them are doing. The first one he found in a hotel, because he lost the house gambling. The second one said he survived a crash and that he doesn't have the Mercedes anymore. The third one, by the look of his house when Milo was approaching, was very very rich. Milo asked him: "How did you get so rich when I only gave you the sculpture of myself." He said: "1 euro to spit on it, 2 euros to pee on it and 3 euros to crap on it!"
#3
The President and Prime Minister of Montenegro, Filip Vujanovic and Milo Djukanovic, were doing a bit of looking around in their country. They first went to a Kindergarten. It was really in a poor condition. The walls had holes, the tables missed legs, the children didn't have anything to eat. Filip said to Milo: "Milo, give them some money!" Milo gave them 1 million euros. Secondly, they went to a prison. It was also in pretty bad form, the prisoners were lying on the ground starving, the floor was of cold stone, etc. Filip again demanded that Milo gives them some money. Milo gave them 5 million euros. When they went out, Filip asked: "Milo, why did we give them 5 million euros?" Milo replied: "What do you think, that we are going to end up in a Kindergarten?"
____________
|
|
TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
|
|
posted January 11, 2009 04:01 PM |
|
|
Quote:
The President and Prime Minister of Montenegro, Filip Vujanovic and Milo Djukanovic, were doing a bit of looking around in their country. They first went to a Kindergarten. It was really in a poor condition. The walls had holes, the tables missed legs, the children didn't have anything to eat. Filip said to Milo: "Milo, give them some money!" Milo gave them 1 million euros. Secondly, they went to a prison. It was also in pretty bad form, the prisoners were lying on the ground starving, the floor was of cold stone, etc. Filip again demanded that Milo gives them some money. Milo gave them 5 million euros. When they went out, Filip asked: "Milo, why did we give them 5 million euros?" Milo replied: "What do you think, that we are going to end up in a Kindergarten?"
ROFLMAO  
____________
The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
|
|
Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
|
|
posted January 15, 2009 09:25 PM |
|
|
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
____________
|
|
Aleksandr
Hired Hero
|
|
posted January 17, 2009 07:28 PM |
|
|
Dirty one:
Q: How many hair does an average c*** have?
A: Three hundred. Rest belong to arse.
Not dirty:
A guy goes into a bar with a giraffe and gets the giraffe all snowed up and the giraffe passes out on the floor.
The guy gets up to leave and the bartender says "Hey! You can’t leave that lyin there!"
And the guy goes "That's not a lion, it’s a giraffe."
____________
http://aleksandr-ii.mybrute.com/
|
|
kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
|
|
posted January 21, 2009 06:47 PM |
|
|
Few tips how to piss off your parents(not recomended)
1. Follow them everywhere at home
2. Run around and bump in the walls
3. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion
4. Wear a t-shirt that says "I'm a psycho!"
5. Have 20 imaginary friends and always talk to them
6.(in public) shout: No, mom/dad i won't have sex with you!
7.(in public) hold your parents' hands and whisper: "i can see people"
8. Try to swim on the floor
9. Pretend that you've been beaten up
10. Crawl everywhere
11. Superglue your finger to your nose
12. Talk with a pen
13. Stick an icecream cone to your forehead and say that you love unicorns
14. Eat everything that isn't edible
15. When taking a bath yell "I'm drowning!"
16. Try to dive in a fishbowl
tips how to kill time:
1. Try to eat with a screwdriver
2. Look at the sun through a telescope
3. Become a ninja
4. Try to bite off your nose. If you succeed take a photo.
5. Hunt down a flower and eat it.
6. Kiss your ear
7. Lick a goat
8. Jump off a bridge and see if your friends do the same.
9. Interview a tree
10. Give fish a hug
11. Cook a microwave oven in a microwave oven
12. Make friends with a ketchup
13. Eat ten pieces of paper. If you feel fine, eat another ten.
14. Turn back and eat the first thing you see
15. Eat a car battery
16. Eat a bag of sugar. Now eat a bag of salt.
17. Jump off a tall building. If its possible jump off again.
____________
"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
|
|
Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
|
|
posted January 21, 2009 07:20 PM |
|
|
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.
His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
____________
|
|
Vidoja
Bad-mannered
Known Hero
Checker for Heroes Competiton
|
|
posted January 26, 2009 11:22 PM |
|
|
Some more of my ethnic humor:
#1 In an evening school, where all adults go when they don't finish regular school on time, the holidays ended and students again started to attend the school. The teacher asks a student, apparently a Croat, what he read for the holidays. He answers: "I read the Collected Works of Franja Tudjman "Greater Croatia"[A Croatian inspired by fascism which describes the extremes of Croatian nationalism, which represents literally pure evil to the Serbs]". A Serbian student stands up and says: "Teacher, teacher, give him an F, fairy-tails are for the first grade!"
#2 How is a Gypsy house of cardboard (which you can see often in Serbia) called? Barrack Obama
#3 "... The former Government of Serbia brought the country to the edge of a cliff! The current Government decided to make a productive step forward! ..." [parody to the speech of a politician]
#4 (this one won't be funny to those who don't follow the situation on the Balkans) A man says to his wife: "I must go to the doctor's, my appointment is today." He returns after half an hour and say to his wife: "The doctor wasn't in he left me this note:
Quote:
Dear Mr. Pera,
I am sorry that I couldn't come to your appointment due to inconvenient circumstances. My apologies,
Dr David Dabic
____________
|
|
Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
|
|
posted January 30, 2009 03:12 PM |
|
|
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.
"Shut Up", replied Shut Up.
"Stupid", replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.
"Shut Up!"
"Stupid!"
The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"!!!
Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"
____________
|
|
Vexon
Adventuring Hero
|
|
posted January 30, 2009 06:33 PM |
|
|
A priest and a rabbi were walking down the street, on the other side they saw a young boy walking.
The priest looked at the rabbi and said, "Let's screw him!", the rabbi replied, "Outta what?"
|
|
Ednaguy
Supreme Hero
My water just broke! No, wait.
|
|
posted February 01, 2009 10:51 AM |
|
|
A plane was crashing at an island, and the only survivors were a American, an Australian and a Japanese guy. The American quickly decided he should be the leader of the survivors, and told them what to do. "You go and find food and water," he said to the Australian, "You can find some supplies," he said to the Japanese, "and I'll find a place to make a camp. We'll meet here again in one hour."
Later that day the American and the Australian had made the camp, and was making some dinner over a campfire, but the Japanese was nowhere to be found. They decided to go looking for him in the forest. When they get in the forest, the Japanese suddenly jumps down from a tree and shouts: "SUPPLIES!"
____________
"Edna, there's a special, tiny, tiny place in hell, waiting just for you... "
|
|
Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
|
|
posted February 01, 2009 05:21 PM |
|
|
lol
A friend asked me how to change the Windows password, and after I explained, obviously I said: "try a temporary one: 123456". To which the response was: "with capitals?"
____________
|
|
Ednaguy
Supreme Hero
My water just broke! No, wait.
|
|
posted February 02, 2009 05:51 PM |
|
|
Blonde jokes: (Don't get me wrong, I don't believe blondes are more dumb than others)
When does a blonde have two braincells?
When she's pregnant with another blonde.
Why did the blonde want to buy curtains for her computer?
Because she had windows.
A blonde is driving a little too fast, and is stopped by the police, an other blonde. The blonde police if she can see the blondes driving license. "My what?" the blonde says. "It's a card with a picture of you on," says the police. The blonde searches through her purse and finds a mirror. "This is a card with a picture of me on it." The policewoman looks at it and says: "Oh, if you'd told me that you were a police officer too, I'd never had stopped you!"
A blonde is in serious need of some money, so she finds out she'll kidnap a kid, and then demand ransom. So she goes to a boy in the park with a note where it stands: Put 100 000$ under the rock next to the big tree in the park tomorrow before 10 AM, or you'll never see your boy again. She gives the note to the boy, and tells him to go and give it to his mother. The next morning at 10 AM she goes to the rock and finds the money, but also a note where it stands: How could you do this to another blonde?
____________
"Edna, there's a special, tiny, tiny place in hell, waiting just for you... "
|
|
TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
|
|
posted February 02, 2009 05:54 PM |
|
|
Quote:
A blonde is driving a little too fast, and is stopped by the police, an other blonde. The blonde police if she can see the blondes driving license. "My what?" the blonde says. "It's a card with a picture of you on," says the police. The blonde searches through her purse and finds a mirror. "This is a card with a picture of me on it." The policewoman looks at it and says: "Oh, if you'd told me that you were a police officer too, I'd never had stopped you!"
____________
The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
|
|
Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
|
|
posted February 03, 2009 05:19 PM |
|
|
By following the 10 simple instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
10. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
____________
|
|
TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
|
|
posted February 03, 2009 06:07 PM |
|
|
That's something Luc would say
____________
The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
|
|
mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
|
|
posted February 04, 2009 05:01 AM |
|
|
The funny thing is that the kids these days don't know what diskettes are.
____________
Eccentric Opinion
|
|
Ednaguy
Supreme Hero
My water just broke! No, wait.
|
|
posted February 04, 2009 01:01 PM |
|
|
Two Sweedes are hammering nails into a wall. One of them takes up a nail, lokks at it, then throws it away. "Why did you do that?" the first Swede asked. "It was defect," the other one said, "It was pointing in the wrong direction." "You stupid," said the first Swede, "They're ment for the other side of the Wall!"
(Please don't get offended by this, anyone, I love Sweden )
____________
"Edna, there's a special, tiny, tiny place in hell, waiting just for you... "
|
|
Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
|
|
posted February 04, 2009 04:33 PM |
|
|
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
____________
|
| |
|
|
This thread is pages long: 
