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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted May 29, 2016 02:11 AM |
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Raenus
Famous Hero
Grouchy curmudgeon
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posted May 29, 2016 08:13 AM |
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Three women (one with red hair, a brunette and a blonde) are stranded on a deserted island following a storm that sank the boat they were on.
They are close enough to land to see the shoreline in the distance and doing so decide to try and reach it. Red, the weakest of the bunch, makes it a quarter of the way and gives up. Brunette seeing this decides to try it herself, she manages to make it a third of the way before coming to the same conclusion. The blonde being by far the most athletic of the group attempts it last. Alas she also gives up and heads back after making it halfway there.
A few days in the women discover a lamp and to their immense joy and relief discover it is in fact of the magical persuasion and decide to split the wishes three ways.
The brunette thinks it over and says, "I wish I was back home with my friends and family." and it is so.
The redhead follows suit and says, "I wish I was with my husband again." and it is so.
The blonde happily says goodbye to the island and says, "I wish my friends were with me." and it is so. And that is how three women earned a lifetime supply of free coconut and a home on the beach.
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted August 25, 2016 07:22 PM |
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Bobby is in math class, teacher asks:
- There are 7 birds on a tree, I pick a stone and drop one of them, how many are left?
Bobby replies:
- None, the other birds would fly away in panic.
Teacher says:
- Well, the correct answer was 6, Bobby. But I liked the way you look at things.
Years go by, it's graduation day, Bobby steps up to the teacher and asks:
- Tell me, Miss Highsmith, there are three women eating ice cream on a park bench, one bites, one sucks and the other one licks. Which one of them is married?
Miss Highsmith hesitates:
- Hmmm, I don't know... The one who licks?
- Nope, the one with the ring on her finger. But I liked the way you look at things.
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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Neraus
Promising
Legendary Hero
Pain relief cream seller
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posted August 25, 2016 08:43 PM |
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Three friends gathered after a long time at a bar.
Since all of them got married had kids and lived quite the life they had a lot to talk about.
The first then started talking about his eldest son:
"Ya know, my son had always this passion for planes, he became a pilot, and he worked so hard he became a manager of Lufthansa! He became so rich that he even gifted a private jet to a friend!"
The other two were impressed, and so the second, not wanting to feel like his son was inferior talked about his son:
"Well, you remember that my son repaired your car once? He works with Ferrari now, and he got to be in the board of directors, he got so rich he gifted a Ferrari to a friend!"
The third, followed suit, and told the story of his son:
"My son was always fascinated with animals, and I'm happy to say that he realized his dream, he trains horses now, he was even called by various Arab businessmen, he got so rich he gifted one of the best horses he trained to a friend!"
They started congratulating each other, and suddenly another friend of their childhood walked by that place, the three invited him and asked him to share what happened to his son.
And so the fourth friend told his only son's story:
"Well guys, my son... He kind of became a strip dancer in a gay night-club..."
The three astonished said: "What!? And aren't you ashamed of him?"
The fourth replied: "Why should I? His clients are rich people, they even gifted him a jet, a Ferrari and a horse!"
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Noli offendere Patriam Agathae quia ultrix iniuriarum est.
ANTUDO
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Galaad
Hero of Order
Li mort as morz, li vif as vis
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posted August 25, 2016 08:52 PM |
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A dude goes to the doctor and says he has a serious problem: everyday he takes a dump at precisely 8:30. Not 8:29, not 8:31, 8:30, without fail, every morning. Then the doctor asks him:
- That certainly is peculiar, but I fail to see the handicap?
- The handicap? every morning I wake up precisely at 9am!
____________
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted August 25, 2016 08:59 PM |
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Jesus was walking along the desert one day, when he saw an old humble man with a long white beard, he asked him what he was doing in there and the old man replied:
- I'm looking for my son, I lost him.
Jesus took his hand:
- Let me help you fellow stranger, we'll search together. Now, what did your son look like?
- He had nails in his ankles and wrists.
- Father!!!
- Pinocchio??
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Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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Stevie
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted August 25, 2016 09:06 PM |
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted August 25, 2016 11:12 PM |
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Edited by Celfious at 23:13, 25 Aug 2016.
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some of you may know where I got this from but anyways...
I went to a zoo the other day, but it turns out there was only one dog.
It was a schitzu
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What are you up to
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted September 12, 2016 02:03 PM |
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Edited by Homer171 at 14:06, 12 Sep 2016.
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Actually not a joke, rather real life event of mine:
I was in Chinese restaraunt with my wife some time ago. The food was good and the service was excellent, you know how huble they can be. Lady in the desk was speaking pretty good, understandle finnish. I was so moved by their elegancy, soft moves and bows, that it made me tough, I should properly thank them from good service they have given us.
As we where leaving, I said to my wife: "I have something to say to them before we go." I walked to the desk and said: "Arigato." And bowed my head as sign of respect. The lady watched me to my eyes and said: "That's Japanese."
Never, ever have I been so embarrased, we left the place, my wife laughing at me all the way to the car. That's some finnish nightmare for you, true story. 
____________
Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
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AnkVaati
Famous Hero
Nighonese National Front
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posted September 12, 2016 03:04 PM |
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Miru
Supreme Hero
A leaf in the river of time
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posted September 12, 2016 08:58 PM |
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@Homer
Thank you in Chinese is "Xičxič"; it's pronounced like this. Sounds like "Sheh-Sheh" to me, but what do I know.
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I wish I were employed by a stupendous paragraph, with capitalized English words and expressions.
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted September 12, 2016 09:30 PM |
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Thanks Miru, but I will never walk in that restaraunt again 
Well, in truth I may go there someday but Finnish or English is the only language I will speak and no dramatic gestures 
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Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted September 12, 2016 09:40 PM |
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What do I have in common with a death row inmate?
We both don't have a future.
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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AnkVaati
Famous Hero
Nighonese National Front
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posted September 12, 2016 10:59 PM |
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Edited by AnkVaati at 23:00, 12 Sep 2016.
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- What's the textbook definition of "cultural appropriation"?
- It's when a hipster wears a Palestinian keffiyeh but forgets to blow up the bus on his/her way home!
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Ank's Old School (kinda) H8 proposal <- best thing evvah, trust me
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted September 17, 2016 02:59 AM |
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted September 17, 2016 05:08 AM |
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Celfious said:
bullsnow, i walk over and offer to help. what i get is an instant semi. 
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted January 11, 2017 12:34 AM |
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Edited by artu at 00:35, 11 Jan 2017.
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One day, the president of the United States sighs and tells his driver:
- Damn, I really miss driving sometimes, Dave. Back in collage, I used to race all my friends... You know what, get in the back. I want to get on the wheel like I used to.
So, he gets on the front seat and once he does, boy he steps on that gas. Soon enough, a rookie cop signals them and they pull over. The president rolls down the window, and says "good evening officer, was I driving too fast?"
Looking at him, the cop is naturally stunned, he calls his superior officer on the radio:
- Sir, I got a VIP who was overspeeding, this is real big fish, sir.
- Doesn't matter who he is son, the law is the law, give him a ticket.
- But sir, this is somebody of real importance, shouldnt we reconsider?
- The law applies to all of us, son. Just give him his ticket and be done with it.
- Sir, I urge you to reconsider, this may really come back and bite us, sir.
- Look, nobody is above the law. I am ordering you to write that ticket. Who the hell are you talking about anyway?
- Sir, I can't see his face through the dark glass, sir. But his driver is the president of the U.S.!
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted February 02, 2017 05:08 PM |
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Artu
An old couple sits in their living-room talking about an old friend.
Wife: "Yes;<long pause> poor Joe's mind is not what it used to be."
Husband: "What do you mean dear?"
Wife: "Joe's son Jim said his dad is forgetting stuff all the time now."
Husband: "That's sad. Thank God our minds are still sharp as tacks" and the old man raps the top of the wooden-table next to him and adds; "Knock on wood."
The old couple both quickly glance over to their front door and ask nearly in unison; "I wonder who could that be?"
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted March 19, 2017 06:15 PM |
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A guy goes to Africa for safari and takes his dog with him, dog gets loose and he's lost in the jungle, while he hops around sniffing exotic flowers and chasing butterflies, he suddenly notices a leopard running towards him in hunter mode, he also sees some bones scattered around him. Just when the leopard is about to put his claw on, he goes:
- Mmmmh, that was so delicious, I can't wait to eat another leopard already!
The leopard, puzzled by this alien weird creature, gets stunned, he immediately switches to "run for your life" mode and climbs up a tree. On the tree, there is a monkey who had watched all of this from above, he looks at the leopard and says :
- Man, he got you good. Can't believe you actually fall for that!
Furiously, the leopard replies "hop on my back, let's go and get this little snow, I'll spare you some left overs for telling me the truth." So, monkey hops on the leopard's back and they go for the attack. This time, the dog starts cleaning his teeth and licking around:
- Damn, I'm hungry again already. I wonder what takes that monkey so long to bring me another leopard!
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Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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AlHazin
Promising
Supreme Hero
النور
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posted March 19, 2017 06:20 PM |
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Hahaha that's my dog.
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Nothing of value disappears from this world, it will reappear in some shape or form ^^ - Elvin
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This thread is pages long: 
