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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted March 19, 2017 08:16 PM |
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Never trust in atoms.
They make up everything.
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted June 28, 2017 05:46 PM |
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Edited by artu at 17:47, 28 Jun 2017.
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Professor and his students are standing around a cadaver, he starts to speak with an authoritarian voice:
- My young co-workers, the first thing you should know to become a real doctor is pure and simple, you should not feel disgusted about anything related to the human body, now watch, learn and do as I do.
The professor then, puts his finger up the cadaver's ass, takes it out and starts licking his own finger.The students first think this is some kind of a joke. But as they realize how serious their teacher is, they all follow his act and start licking their own fingers afterwards. The professor continues:
- This brings me to our second lesson. While examining the patient, you must always focus and be really careful in your observations. You see, I put my middle finger up the cadaver's anus and licked my index finger afterwards. Now, you know how important it is to pay attention to detail.
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted June 28, 2017 07:45 PM |
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I've heard that same joke, only it's a farmer with kids on a field trip, and the ass is that of a cow.
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted October 15, 2017 03:22 PM |
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Edited by artu at 15:23, 15 Oct 2017.
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Two youngsters are arrested for selling drugs, the judge decides to go easy on them and sentences them to attend to an educational programme about the harm of drugs, sharing their experience. After a month, their parole officer checks up on them:
- So, how's the programme?
- It's been good. I already convinced around a 100 people to stay away from drugs.
- Is that so, how did you manage that?
- I drew two circles on the board, told them the big circle is their brain before taking drugs and the small one is their brain after taking it.
- Straight to the point and simple, I like it. How about you?
- Oh, I did a little better, about 700 people.
- 700! Really? Well... how?
- I drew two circles on the board, told them the small circle is their butt hole before going to prison because of drugs and the big one is after they do.
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Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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Tsar-ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted October 16, 2017 01:32 PM |
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A gypsy and his son are hauling a cartload of bags. They are stopped by a police officer who says-
'Alright then what have you stolen? Out with it- what's in the bags?!'
The Gyp father answers-
'just grass officer all it is'
The officer is avin none of it, he rips a bag open, filled with grass then another the same.
'Alright then off you go'
As they're trotting off the father speaks to the child
' You see ma boy? That's how you sreal a cart.'
____________
"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness." Jenny
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Twinflower
Tavern Dweller
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posted December 20, 2017 01:15 AM |
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Professor and his students are standing around a cadaver, he starts to speak with an authoritarian voice:
- My young co-workers, the first thing you should know to become a real doctor is pure and simple, you should not feel disgusted about anything related to the human body, now watch, learn and do as I do.
The professor then, puts his finger up the cadaver's ass, takes it out and starts licking his own finger.The students first think this is some kind of a joke. But as they realize how serious their teacher is, they all follow his act and start licking their own fingers afterwards. The professor continues:
- This brings me to our second lesson. While examining the patient, you must always focus and be really careful in your observations. You see, I put my middle finger up the cadaver's anus and licked my index finger afterwards. Now, you know how important it is to pay attention to detail
____________
The blood in me gives me eyes to see (c)
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Galaad
Hero of Order
Li mort as morz, li vif as vis
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posted February 01, 2018 09:13 AM |
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Here's an old one but reading it again made me chuckle.
An elf, a halfling and a dwarf are standing side-by-side at the urinal.
The elf finishes and proceeds to wash his hands. he is scrubbing and washing his hands clear up to his elbows. He turns to the other two and comments: our elders have taught us elves to be clean.
The halfling finishes his business and only used a little water to wet the tips of his fingers and comments: our elders have taught us halflings to be conservative of nature's resources.
The dwarf finishes his business and heads straight for the door, he turns and comments: our elders have taught us dwarves how not to piss on our hands.
____________
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted February 06, 2018 04:39 AM |
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There is a Mars voyage planned. It is crucial to the future of humanity. Unfortunately, the mission is a one-way ticket and the astronaut won't be able to come back. So, they are looking for a volunteer.
First, they ask a priest. The priest says, "I require a million dollars, I'll donate it to charity. Then, I'll go."
- Ok, we'll stay in touch.
Later, they ask a scientist. The scientist says he would require 2 million dollars.
- I will spare a million for my family and the rest would go for research.
- Let us get back to you.
Finally, they ask a politician. The politician says he'll close the deal for 3 million dollars. What, why on earth would we do that, they ask.
- Well, I'll take a million, I'll give a million to you guys and then we can send the priest to Mars.
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted March 19, 2018 03:52 PM |
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Middle-aged guy goes to the doctor and cries for help:
- Doctor, I have this terrible gas problem. I keep farting and farting. I fart at the breakfast table, I fart when I get up, I fart in the bus, I fart during a date, it just goes on and on. Thank goodness, it's the kind of fart that isnt heard or smelled but nevertheless, I'm very uncomfortable. Please help me.
Doctor prescribes the man some medicine, tells him to take it daily and come back a month later. And a month later indeed, he storms into the practice:
- What have you done, man! The farting didn't go away but it's all noisy this time. I fart so hard I can wake up the neighbors.
- I see we managed to fix your hearing. Now, let's do something about that nose of yours.
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted March 19, 2018 07:05 PM |
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i'm adding these i told to poly to cheer him up. don't care that they're jokes for kids. 
who gives alligators presents on christmas?
SANTA JAWS!
what do you get when a duck bends over?
IT'S BUTTQUACK!
what do you call a bear with no teeth?
A GUMMY BEAR!
what do you call a nosy pepper?
JALEPENO BIZNESS!
why do chicken coups always have two doors?
BECAUSE WITH FOUR, THEY'D BE CHICKEN SEDANS!
what do clouds wear under their shorts?
THUNDERPANTS!
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Stevie
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted March 20, 2018 01:13 AM |
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Edited by Stevie at 02:16, 20 Mar 2018.
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Salamandre
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Wog refugee
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posted April 04, 2018 11:39 AM |
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“Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?"
She: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... "
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
She: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price”
- W. Churchill
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted May 20, 2018 02:08 AM |
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Lol at the new joke about the rise of the dollar and our money (Turkish Lira) losing value:
Kid goes to his father and asks for a 100 dollars on his birthday.
- 400 TL? 450 TL is a lot of money son! Besides, what do you need 480 TL for anyway?
____________
Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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blizzardboy
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Nerf Herder
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posted May 20, 2018 03:14 AM |
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Hyperinflation: where everybody gets to be a millionaire.
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted May 22, 2018 02:33 PM |
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a priest asks a convicted felon who's about to be executed by electric chair, for a last request.
the convict goes, "yeah, i'm scared. can you hold my hand"?
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Stevie
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted May 22, 2018 11:15 PM |
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted May 22, 2018 11:28 PM |
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I have traumas from him.
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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blizzardboy
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Nerf Herder
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posted May 23, 2018 12:59 AM |
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@79fred
rofl
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"Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us."
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Ghost
Undefeatable Hero
Therefore I am
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posted May 25, 2018 04:22 PM |
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In the summer, the penis are big, because the temperature tells the size. If you live in Africa, for example. You are a happy man! 
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted September 25, 2020 11:22 PM |
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what is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
i've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
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This thread is pages long: 
