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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted July 29, 2008 07:18 PM |
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Man: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doc: When did you first notice this problem?
Man: What problem?
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Sam: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted July 30, 2008 12:39 PM |
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1st MAN: I've just bought my wife a bottle of toilet water for £100.
2nd MAN: ....
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TEACHER: What do you know about the Dead Sea?
PUPIL: ....
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TEACHER: What do you call the small rivers that flow into the river Nile?
PUPIL: ....
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1st BOY: Do you always bath in dirty water?
2nd BOY: .....
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STRANGER: I'm looking for a man with a wooden leg called Johnson.
LOCAL: ....
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DINER: Waiter! Will my hamburger be long?
WAITER: ....
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1st FRIEND: I know a cafe where we can eat dirt cheap.
2nd FRIEND: .....
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DINER: Waiter! What's wrong with this fish?
WAITER: .....
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CORONER: And what were your wife's last words sir?
HUSBAND: ....
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NERVOUS PASSENGER: How often do planes of this type crash?
AIR HOSTESS ....
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PASSENGER: Guard! How long will the next train be?
GUARD: .....
NOW CHOOSE THE CORRECT PUNCH LINES
.About six carriages, sir.
But who wants to eat dirt?
Dead? I didn't even know it was ill.
I don't see how they can make a profit selling this chicken at 2p per pound.
It was clean when I got in.
Juveniles
Long time, no sea, sir.
No. It will be round and flat, sir.
Only once, sir.
What's his other leg called?
You could have had some from my loo for nothing.
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5 Times TV
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted July 30, 2008 02:16 PM |
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A man walks through the pet-market with a bear on rope and looks into faces very attentively. Somebody asked him:
- What are you looking for?
- I'm looking for the man who sent me a little hamster a year ago...
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted July 31, 2008 02:10 PM |
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Scientists have identified a new type of food that, after digested, can have negative effects on people, including aggressive behaviors on women, psychotic moments on men, and severe depressions on both. It's called: "wedding cake".
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keldorn
Promising
Known Hero
that casts green flames
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posted August 04, 2008 10:44 AM |
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A man is driving along a road, going at 100 m/h. He suddenly notices another man standing near the road. He decides to help him, so he takes him up. They are going still at high speed, when they arrive at a curve. The drives doens't slow down, so the passenger sais: Slow down dude or we'll die! -Don't worry, man. I've benn driving this road for 15 years, I always take this curve. And so he does. They carry on going and a big curve occures again. -Slow down, man! We'll die! -Calm down. I've been driving here for 15 years, I always take this curve. So he does again. They arrive at a 3rd curve, but this time the passanger doesn't say anything at all, considering the driver knows what to do. He doens't slow again, and the car craches into the rocks. Everything's full of broken glass and small car pieces. The driver gets out of the wreck, and sadly sais: -Ahhh! I've been driving here for 15 years, but I have never managed to take this curve. 
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted August 04, 2008 12:15 PM |
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Based on a "true story"
Friend of mine was watching movie Troy on theathers and on the scene where they take that big wooden horse inside the town and the soldiers comes out of it at night.. Instantly somebody in the audiance shouted: I knew that's gonna happen!
Yeeea, well not much of a story but i tough it was pretty funny 
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Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted August 05, 2008 11:03 PM |
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Ok, here's a long but great one:
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that snowing fence wasn't electrified."
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted August 05, 2008 11:34 PM |
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One prisoner says to another, "The food was better when you were governor."
---
"The problem with political jokes is that they get elected." - George Bernard Shaw
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Eccentric Opinion
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted August 06, 2008 01:38 PM |
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Three guys in a tunnel. An optimist, a pessimist and a realist.
The optimist: "I see the light at the end of the tunnel!"
The pessimist: "I don't see any light. We are stuck here forever!"
The realist: "I see the train that is coming this way!"
The train driver sees three idiots on the tracks...
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Galev
Famous Hero
Galiv :D
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posted August 06, 2008 02:04 PM |
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Nice ones
Notes from pilots to engineers and answers for them.
Pilot: The tyre of the left-side undercarriage almost needs to be changed.
Engineer: The tyre of the left-side undercarriage has been almost changed.
Pilot: Test flight was done all right, though the automatic land was rather tough.
Engineer: There's no automatic land installed in this plane.
Pilot: Something become loose in the pilot-cabin.
Engineer: Something has been tightened in the pilot-cabin.
Pilot: There are dead bugs on the window.
Engineer: Alive bugs have been ordered.
Pilot: The robot-pilot is producing a 60 meters/second descending when in keep-height mode.
Engineer: We couldn't reproduce the problem on ground.
Pilot: The DME is unbelievably noisy.
Engineer: DME has been turned down to a more believable volume.
Pilot: The plane is flying rather funny.
Engineer: The plane has been warned to grow up and behave itself.
Pilot: Noise is coming from under the instrument panel as if a goblin is smashing things with a hammer.
Engineer: Hammer was taken from the goblin.
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Incidence? I think it's cummulative!
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted September 04, 2008 04:42 PM |
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Two women talk at a cocktail.
"Why do you have the wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Because I married the wrong man."
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted September 04, 2008 04:51 PM |
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-When I argue with my wife, she becomes historical.
-You mean hysterical.
-No, historical. She reminds me all my mystakes.
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5 Times TV
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Geny
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted September 04, 2008 05:10 PM |
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-Doctor, doctor! I'm gonna die in 59 seconds!
-Hold on a minute...
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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Galev
Famous Hero
Galiv :D
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posted September 04, 2008 05:14 PM |
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Edited by Galev at 17:15, 04 Sep 2008.
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I heard these two and found them be amongst the most funny jokes I ever heard (and that is something)
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The bunny is very cool, he is flying above the forest, he fell trees with his very arms. Very cool the bunny is, flying above the forest, felling trees with the arm and he spots the fox. He yells:
"Hey, fox! Do you want a big nasty biff?"
the fox sees that the bunny has became very cool, flying above the forest and felling trees with the arm.
"N-no." He replies.
The bunny is flying, flying above the forest, felling trees with his own arm when he spots the wolf.
"Hey wolf! Do you want a big nasty biff?"
The wolf realises that the bunny has became very cool, flying and felling the trees with his own arm.
"N-no." He replies.
Still the bunny is flying above the forest and making trees fall with his very arm then he spots the bear.
"Hey bear! Do you want a big nasty biff?"
The bear as well can't help percepting how cool the bunny has became: flying high above the forest, felling trees with his very arm. But still, He is the coolest animal of the forest, so he replies:
"Y-yes, I do."
"Then go to the edge of the forest, that's where I got one."
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The bunny finds a revolver in the forest. He thinks the day has come for him to give the fox a "present". He stops at the entrace of the fox's cave.
"Fox!" BANG! BANG!
"I've just sh** on your doormap!" BANG! BANG!
"Come out!" BANG! BANG!
"Eat it!" Click. Click.
"...or I will eat it myself."
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted September 04, 2008 05:16 PM |
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Quote:
The bunny finds a revolver in the forest. He thinks the day has come for him to give the fox a "present". He stops at the entrace of the fox's cave.
"Fox!" BANG! BANG!
"I've just sh** on your doormap!" BANG! BANG!
"Come out!" BANG! BANG!
"Eat it!" Click. Click.
"...or I will eat it myself."
ROFL
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted September 10, 2008 05:51 AM |
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-Doctor, people are always ignoring me.
-Next!
-Doctor, I don't have any friends. Can you help me, you miserable, disgusting old fool?
What should you do if you get cancer on your wrist?
Undergo emotherapy.
How do you catch a unique wabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame wabbit?
Tame way - unique up on it.
[try saying it out loud if it doesn't make sense]
-Doctor, my friend's doctor told him that he had pneumonia, and he died of a heart attack!
-Don't worry, with me, you'll die of pneumonia.
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Eccentric Opinion
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted September 10, 2008 02:05 PM |
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LOL the first one was great
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted September 10, 2008 02:23 PM |
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The one with pneumonia reminded me of a joke.
A young man was in love with a girl. To make her family know him better, she invites him at dinner. The man, being shy, coms with his friend.
During the meal, the family and the two friedn start discussing:
Father: What to you want to become?
Young man: I would like to be a bookseller, Sir.
Friend(tries to help): He is just modest. He already owns a line of supermarkets.
Fa: I see. Do you have a car?
YM: Yes, a nice one.
Fr: Nice? It's a super Bentley.
Fa: Wat do you drink?
YM: Usually, Nestea.
Fr: Yesterday, he drank a Jack Daniels. For the third time this week.
YM don't feels so good.
Fa: What's the matter?
YM: I'm afraid I caught a flu.
F: A flu? He's modest. he has pneumonia.
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5 Times TV
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted September 12, 2008 09:53 PM |
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A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking."
How to get thrown out of chemistry lab: Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted September 18, 2008 03:40 PM |
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The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left only with seven."
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