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Adrius
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
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posted November 17, 2008 01:48 PM |
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@angelito: LOL  
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted November 17, 2008 01:50 PM |
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LOL Angelito
I think I heard it somewhere before
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Galev
Famous Hero
Galiv :D
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posted November 18, 2008 04:31 PM |
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Edited by Galev at 16:35, 18 Nov 2008.
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A blind drummer and a deaf violinist play in a pub.
"Are the guests dancing yet?" asks the drummer.
"Why, we are playing yet?" says the violinist.
ps.: Probably it could be told slightly better by a native speaker...
"Befour our wedding you have said I'm your godess!" -complains the wife.
"I became an atheist." responds the husband.
"You remind me of the sea."
"Am I romantic, wild and exciting?"
"You make me sick..."
The wife wispers in her husband's ear:"Say something dirty..."
"Kitchen..."
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted November 18, 2008 07:42 PM |
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
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Totoro
Famous Hero
in User
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posted November 20, 2008 09:06 PM |
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Quote:
A blind drummer and a deaf violinist play in a pub.
"Are the guests dancing yet?" asks the drummer.
"Why, we are playing yet?" says the violinist.
Hmm... how can the violinist hear the drummer's question? 
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted November 20, 2008 11:10 PM |
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A politician is elected to office.
His predecessor hands him two enveloppes. "Open these when you're in times of great need." He said in a serious tone of voice. the new president is like: "k, thx." and takes the position of power.
All goes well for about ten months, when suddenly an economic crisis cripples the nation. The opposition party gains popularity and the president opens the first enveloppe. It says: "Blame me." and so does our president and survives this crisis popular as ever. Then, as you might expect, another crisis hits the nation. The president nervously opens the second enveloppe. It says: "write two enveloppes."
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted November 21, 2008 03:17 PM |
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General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted November 21, 2008 03:20 PM |
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lol!!
Quote:
Hmm... how can the violinist hear the drummer's question?
He must have read his lips 
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The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
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Kronos1000
Promising
Supreme Hero
Fryslân Boppe
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posted November 21, 2008 03:38 PM |
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All right this is a pretty long one:
Once upon a time there was a girl fond of socks, but one day when she was walking down the mall she saw a pair of fantastic red socks. Of course she desprately wanted them, but they cost €50 and unfortunately she didn't have any mony left, so she leaves disappointed. The next day when she woke up she ran back to the mall to see if they were marked down, but unfortunately the weren't. Whe she got home she saw that her grandmother was there too, she told the girl that her microwave was broken. To which the girl replied that she would fix it and so she did. Her grandmother was really happy and she gave the girl €20, the girl ran back to the mall to see if the socks, were marked down now, but again they weren't. The next day her mother said that the stove was broken so the girl fixed it and got €20, once again she ran to the mall, but once again they weren't marked down. The next day her brother is disapointed that his scooter is too slow so the girl said that she would speed it up and so she did and she got €10 for the job. She had enough money to buy the socks so she ran to the mall and bought them. The very next day she wanted to put them on, but at the same moment there was someone knocking at the door, it was the undertaker saying that her grandmother died, because the microwave exploded, the funeral was also the same day so the girl couldn't where her socks, 'cause they don't go so well with black clothes. The next day the girl thought now I can wear the socks, when there was someone knocking at the door, it was the undertaker again saying that her mother died while she was using the stove again the funeral was today so the girl still couldn't wear her socks. The next day there was someone knocking at the door. Again it was the undertaker saying that her brother died in a crash with his scooter, the funeral was the same day so she couldn't wear the socks again. The next day the girl realized that everyone around her died, but she could now wear the socks. Right after she put them on, there was someone at the door. It was a bear, what did it say?
- Nothing, bears don't talk.
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Hwær cwom mearg? Hwær cwom mago?
Hwær cwom maþþumgyfa? - 'The Wanderer'
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted November 21, 2008 03:44 PM |
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@Kronos: ROTFL
Now my turn.
A guy kisses with a woman on a bench in the park. A little fellow comes, sits on the bench and starts to look at them.
The guy exclaims: "Incredible!! How rude!! What are you staring at?!!"
The little fellow says: "Excuse me, sir. But she is my wife and I would like her to give me the key of our house. I can't enter. "
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5 Times TV
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted November 21, 2008 05:44 PM |
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what?!!!!
aww, man!
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted November 21, 2008 07:06 PM |
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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted November 21, 2008 07:36 PM |
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Edited by zamfir at 19:36, 21 Nov 2008.
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What a wonderfull family. It's very touchy, really.
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5 Times TV
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted November 24, 2008 02:49 PM |
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As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I did not recognize you."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted December 01, 2008 12:24 AM |
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Classic Pet Diaries
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
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Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted December 01, 2008 12:54 AM |
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ma nu dictionary!
Abnormal: Anyone or anything that differs from my idea of "average."
Afternoon : The part of one's day spent worrying about how the morning was wasted.
Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.
Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Archaeologist: Man whose career lies in ruins.
Architect, n.: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money
Atlas: Finally
Atom bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Autobiography: A history of cars
Baby-sitter: Teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
Bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable
Bank : A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.
Better: What we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own
Boss:
1) Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
2) Someone who can say something really stupid without having anyone disagree.
Buffet: A french word that means "get up and get it yourself."
Business:
1) Other people's money.
2) acting busy in an office environment.
Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong
Celebrity:
1) One who is known by many people he is glad he didn't know.
2) A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
College: The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
Conclusion : What you reach when you're tired of thinking
Courage: The fear of being thought a coward.
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
Credit Card: A device allowing you to buy things you cannot afford
Criminal: Someone no different from the rest of us, except that he got caught.
Dating : For males: trying to have sex. For women: trying to find a rich prince to marry.
Deja Moo : The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Democracy: 1) Being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
2) Government accepted by a majority of people who believe in dreams
Dentist : a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
Desert: useless piece of land, appreciated by children.
Diet: a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.
Dilemma : A politician trying to save both of his faces at once.
Dinosaur: How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
Diplomacy : The art of letting other people have your own way.
Diplomat: Person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Disneyland: People-trap operated by a mouse.
Doctor: Person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Dog: The only thing on Earth that will love you more than you love yourself.
Economist: A person who knows more about money than the people who have it.
Egotist: 1) An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me
2) Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Emergency numbers : Telephone numbers for: police station, fire department, ambulance and places that deliver pizzas.
Exercise: Bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it, and if you are sick, you shouldn't take it.
Eye contact: Method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another.
Difficult for men because woman's eyes are not located on her breasts.
Fable: Story told by a teenager arriving home too late
Fairy tales : Horror stories for children to prepare them for the newspapers.
Fancy restaurant: Expensive location that serves cold soup on purpose, and fried ice when you are lucky.
Flying: Learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Fobia: Fear of misspelled words.
Fork: an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
Free advice: Kind of advice that that costs nothing unless you act upon it.
Freedom: just another word for nothing left to lose.
Friend: A person who knows you well, but likes you anyway.
Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted December 01, 2008 01:02 AM |
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted December 01, 2008 01:06 AM |
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Dagoth
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The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
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Celfious
Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
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posted December 01, 2008 01:13 AM |
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Edited by Celfious at 01:13, 01 Dec 2008.
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I was out of my mind in the navy when I made a stupid joke, here it goes.
In the beggining there was onlyA, and B, and they talked.
A says "Know whats funny?"
B says "No what?"
A: "C!"
lol its not even funny but I thought it would be for senior citizens.
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What are you up to
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 01, 2008 03:10 PM |
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"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
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This thread is pages long: 
